Four Worms in Church




A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.



The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead. 





The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead. 




The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive . 

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?" 


Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said, 

"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" 

That pretty much ended the service !!

A  plane is on its way to Toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets

up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight

attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she

will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm

beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the

co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that

belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because

she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto

and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police

waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't

listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll

handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." he goes back to the

blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." and gets up

and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said

to make her move without any fuss. "I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto . "

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Mum'.  With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.


'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.  We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.  She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.  Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Nicholas.


PS: Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

the school report that's on my desk.

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home

These are classified ads,

 which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER


The Manchester manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Manchester are 2-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Manchester . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …

 A  blonde gets a job as a teacher 

She  notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are  running around having fun.

She  takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she  says.

'Yes.' he says. 
  'You  can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best  I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says:  "Because I'm the  goal keeper"

Travel options

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone.

You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.

 I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.

They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.

I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

 I live close so it's a short drive.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.

That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!

 It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

 I actually kind of enjoy it there.

So far, I haven't been in Continent; but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.

Wishing you all safe travels and a Happy New Year!

Tablets

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live…

*

*

*

*

*
... a COMMONTATER!"

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

The Butler Report

Suggested Alternatives for Council meeting Prayers No 3

Oh dear, poor Councillors,what is that mess

That Tory cuts have made to our City

Hush Hush , dear colleagues your salary is safe

Hidden in our Bankers kitty

Suggested Alternatives for Council meeting Prayers

Dearly beloved brethren is it not a sin

When you peel potatoes to throw away the skin

For the skin feeds our "Pigs"

And  "Pigs" must protect us

Dearly beloved brethren is it not thus

Suggested Alternatives for Council meeting Prayers No 1

I must not throw away the crust

Which now I cannot eat

For there are Council tax payers

Going hungry in the Street

For wilful waste in our Councils bins

And I may live to say

Oh how I wish we'd saved that crust

Which Pickles threw away

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

 Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
  
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
 
   "My son is a priest. When he walks into
a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."  
    
The second Catholic man chirps,
 
   "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
 The third Catholic gent says,
 
   "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
 
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
 
   "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well...?"
  
 She proudly replies,
 
   "I have a daughter,
 SLIM
TALL
38D BREASTS
24" WAIST and
36" HIPS.
 
  
 
When she walks into a room,   people say,
 
   "Oh My God". 
 

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock; that's more than can be said for his ship.

The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?

   Nothing - The bottom’s dropped out of both.

A couple of farming jokes...

A man owned a small farm.

The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them” demanded the rep.

“Well” replied the farmer, “there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £350 a week plus free room and board”

“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £250 per week plus free room and board”

“Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally”

“That's the person I want to talk to...the half-wit” says the official.

“That would be me” replied the farmer.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home,' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mother here?' "

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'

No sir, 'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one.

Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad.

It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearl Mae, pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how

much he gets fer Howard
 
 

FLU SEASON -

To avoid it... 

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, 

go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often.

If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. 

Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can. 

Get plenty of rest.

OR 

Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it...

When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So...

I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio...(fresh air)

Tell  jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!

REMEMBER:
'A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!'

Live Well -
Laugh Often -
Love Much

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome

and sex with 2 people is a twosome,

Now I understand why they call you handsome.
 

 

  Who needs Excuses

SMART ARSE ANSWER 5

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked. 
"Yes or no," she replied.

 
SMART ARSE ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. 
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ARSE ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said. 
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could." 
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 
SMART ARSE ANSWER 2

A truck driver was driving along on a country road.  A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car arrived.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

 
SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A teacher at a West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

   "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
 
 
 

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM ... AND HOW HE DID IT

 
Personally, I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* His last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* At the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* Liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* Marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* Exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* Wet

Q9. How can a man go for eight days without sleeping ?
* He sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built by the previous 8 men.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 
  
"You all have obsessions," he observed. 
  
To the first mother, he said, "Mary, you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." 
  
He turned to the second Mom: "Liz, your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." 
  
He turned to the third Mom: "Joyce, your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, 
Brandy." 
  
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,

ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT

 WHO OBTAINED 0%

I would have given him 100%

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE !

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Management lesson:  Adults
 
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else....

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed! 
 
 
 
 

Grandma's Oranges 

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. 

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by. 

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" 

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. 

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. 

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?" 

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry." 

The policeman fainted...
 

WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.  
 
 I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
 
 
 FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
 
 
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
 
 Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
 
 
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
   and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
   and
It's all organized by the Italians.
 

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
 
 
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
 

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
 
 
 A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.
 

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
 
 I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
 
 
KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
 

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
 
 
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
 

In Memorium  
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,
which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote
"The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.  
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.
 

money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
 
 
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
 
 
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
 
 
I am having an out-of-money experience.
 
 
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
 
 
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
 

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the people in the back seat of his car.
 
 
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
 

Japanese Hotel Service


A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down
to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"'I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the
hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Sceptical' but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00,
and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to
buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and
surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures;
$20.00'.

"Why not?" thought the salesman.
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot and the machine started
to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they
were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "This Machine Provides a Service Men
Need When Away from Their Wives: 50 Cents."

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his
fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When
the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost
passed out. Fifteen seconds later, it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit,
which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
> She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
> "What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this Was
> the day you spent with your family."
> "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.
> We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented
> golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
> "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your Day
> of recreation was not relaxing?"
> "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
> vain today!"
> "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell
> me all about it!"
> "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540
> yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the
> drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
> And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it
> hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
> "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't
> make you blaspheme, Sister!"
> "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom
> what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
> runs off down the fairway!"
> "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
> "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself!
> And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops
> out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still
> clutched in his paws!"
> "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
> "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as The
> hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the
> hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
> paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
>
> Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
> fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
>
> "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

1. (The correct answer is "True".)2. (The correct answer is "In a boxing ring".)3. (The correct answer is "Gilded cakes".)4.(The correct answer is "Printer's type blocks".)5. (The correct answer is "Wearing your best leather jacket".)6. (The correct answer is "A shady area".)7. (The correct answer is "A faint hearing of one's own name".)8. (The correct answer is "The supposed habit of weasels of sucking eggs".)9. (The correct answer is "The debris remaining after a shipwreck".)10. (The correct answer is "The person showing least intelligence".)11. (The correct answer is "The Middle Eastern name 'norange'".)12. (The correct answer is "The British difficulty in understanding Dutch".)13. (The correct answer is "An elephant in Barnum's circus".)14.(The correct answer is "The parts of a flintlock musket".)15.(The correct answer is "The outer limits of a settlement".)16. (The correct answer is "William Shakespeare".)17. (The correct answer is "The film Fatal Attraction".)18. (The correct answer is "The text on the first Christmas card".)19. (The correct answer is "The belief that drinking alcohol will cure a hangover".)20. . (The correct answer is "The giving of gifts in boxes at Christmas".)21.. (The correct answer is "Dressing well, in one's best clothes".)22.. (The correct answer is "Just entering/leaving a port".)23.. (The correct answer is "Florence Nightingale".)24.. (The correct answer is "The American politician Joseph Davies".)25.. (The correct answer is "A variant of 'umble pie', i.e. a pie made from innards".)

Christmas Shopping

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.  Suddenly the wife realized that her husband had 'disappeared'.  The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded, "Where the hell are you?"

He replies, "Darling do you remember that Jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money at that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

His wife, with a smile, blushing says, "Yes, I remember that, my love."

"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to that shop."

Christmas quiz - answers tomorrow

 

1. The first 'Jumbo' was

An elephant in Barnum's circus

A Disney cartoon character

A ceremonial Hindu prayer wagon

2. The expression 'Double Dutch' derives from

A skipping game

An advocat cocktail

The British difficulty in understanding Dutch

3. 'Oranges' got their name from

The colour oranage

Spray tanning

The Middle Eastern name 'norange'

4. 'Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year' was

Coined by US advertisers in the 1920s

The text on the first Christmas card

A traditional greeting by members of the German Royal Court

5. 'Umbrage' was

A BBC radio serial

A type of medicine

A shady area

6. 'Dressed to the nines' derives from

Suits made from nine yards of cloth

Dressing well, in one's best clothes

The name of the famous Dutch giraffe - Nyne.

7. 'Lock, stock and barrel' derives from

The parts of a flintlock musket

A 1990s gangster film

A Hanna-Barbera cartoon

8. If you were 'Spruced up' you were originally

Committed to a lunatic asylum

Climbing a tree

Wearing your best leather jacket

9. 'Say cheese' was devised by

Mickey Mouse

From 'shiraz', the German word for 'smile'

The American politician Joseph Davies

10. 'Beyond the pale' derives from

The belief that white skin is unhealthy

The outer limits of a settlement

The banning of white trousers in Soviet Russia

11. If you were 'saved by the bell', where you be?

In a coffin

In a boxing ring

In a pub

12. 'The hair of the dog' refers to

A corruption of 'the heir of the Doge'

The tradition of eating rabbit on Boxing Day

The belief that drinking alcohol will cure a hangover

13. The first person described as a 'living legend' was

Marilyn Monroe

Lady Gaga

Florence Nightingale

14. 'Boxing Day' got its name from

The giving of gifts in boxes at Christmas

Staged fights held on the day after Christmas

The mating habits of hares

15. The 'sorts' in 'out of sorts' were

Cockney stallholders

Liquorice sweets

Printer's type blocks

16. A 'dead ringer' was originally a horse substituted in order to gain advantage in a race

False

True

17. 'Weasel words' originated from

The Norwegian traitor Vidkun Quisling

The supposed habit of weasels of sucking eggs

A corruption of 'We will have words' before a fight

18. The phrase 'Salad Days' was coined by

Mrs Beeton

William Shakespeare

John Lennon

19. The 'booby prize' went to

The lady with the biggest bra

Whoever could catch a gannet for tea

The person showing least intelligence

20. 'Humble pie' was

A pie made from bees

Named after a 1960s pop group

A variant of 'umble pie', i.e. a pie made from innards

21. An 'inkling' was

A faint hearing of one's own name

A fairy's ghost

A sausage

22. 'Flotsam and jetsam' were

A 19th century music hall act

The debris remaining after a shipwreck

The spots seen after looking at a bright light

23. If you are 'in the offing' you are

In a Limehouse pub

Just entering/leaving a port

About to be married

24. 'Take the gilt off the gingerbread' came from

Gilded cakes

The Puritan belief that those eating biscuits were guilty of sin

A reference to the gilding of wooden sailing boats

25. The expression 'Bunny boiler' derives from

The British politician Sir Clarence Boiler

Bugs Bunny

The film Fatal Attraction

TENDER MOMENTS

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears:

'You know what?  You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 

'I'm beginning to think you're fucking bad luck... 
 

The Butler Report

CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE.


Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking  soda
* 1 cup of  sugar
* 1 tsp  salt
* 1 cup of  brown sugar
*  Lemon juice
* 4  large eggs
*  Nuts
* 2  bottles wine
* 2  cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to  check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the wine
again.

To be sure  it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink.

Repeat. 

Turn on the electric mixer.

 Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy  bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar.

 Beat again.

At this point it's best  to make sure the wine is still OK.

Try another cup...

Just in case. 

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and  chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging  fruit up off floor.

Mix on the turner..

 If the fried druit gets  stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample  the wine to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt.

Or  something.

Check the wine.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your  nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink.

Whatever  you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try  not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally,  throw the bowl through the window.

 Finish the wine and wipe counter  with the cat.

Go to  Tesco and buy cake.

Bingle  Jells!

You need a sense of humour to work
in a nursing home ~ that is for sure.

 
MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

 
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was
anything wrong.

 
'Yes, Nurse  Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am
very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little
forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was
walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out of his pyjamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she
said, 'You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like that.  Please put your
Private Part back inside your pyjamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr..
Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell
me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?'

(You've gotta love this.)
 

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING
SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!
 
 
 
 

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said.

Did Santa bring it to you?'

BOB & THE BLONDE:

 
 
 
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.
 
 
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

 
 
The blonde looked at Bob  and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
 
 
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
 
 
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
 
 
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

 
 
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
 
 
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob. 
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

 
 
Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."
 
 
The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."
 
 
Bob took the money

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it, we'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the Cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf,' and she said... 'Take a sweater!'"

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year, 
And every year Bill would say, 
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Blanche always replied, 
" I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, 
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, 
" Blanche, I'm 75 years old. 
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied, 
" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks " 
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! 
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. 
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. 
He did his daredevil tricks, 
But still not a word... 
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, 
" By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. 
I'm impressed! "
Bill replied, 
" Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Blanche fell out, 
But you know, 
Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! " 

ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was  walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful  rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As  he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling  in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot  grizzly bear charge towards  him.

He ran as fast as  he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again  and the bear was even  closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled  over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike  him...

At that  instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time  Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a  bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You  deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help  you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a  believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be  hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but  perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said  the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest  resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord  make me truly thankful, Amen.'

LESSON:1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch..'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say..            

 Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing..

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy..'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Dog Sitting 

The only problem was that the spinster's own dog was a bitch that was in 'heat' and the neighbour's dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

Late one night as she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep, she was suddenly awakened by awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs.

 She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating.

The dogs were in obvious pain whining but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.  The spinster explained the problem.

The vet said, "I want you to hang up then take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them.

I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch."

"Oh," said the spinster, "Do you think that will work?"

"Well," the vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED ON ME !!!!"

The unkindest Cut of all ?

What Cuts the Sewage Treatment Plant would have to accept ?

Its about the Treatment involved

They now only Cut up the turds

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet
behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 100 men walking single
file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so
sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you; but I've
never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's," answered the man.

''What happened to her?" the curious man asked.

The man replied, "She yelled at me, and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed
between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

Woman asks:   

Bottle of Wine
(

Women will LOVE this one!)

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.  She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.
Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back

True story

MEN DO REMEMBER 
ANNIVERSARIES   


A woman awakes during the night

to find that her husband

was not in their bed. 

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.. 

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. 

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' 

The husband looks up from his coffee, 
'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly. 

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 

'Yes, I do' she replies. 

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily... 

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. 

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 

'I remember that too' she replies softly. 

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 

'I would have been released  today. '

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ....

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a croaking noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog!” she said.

”Why?” asked Grandpa.

 “Because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!”

Five surgeons are having drinks together at a surgical convention and making jokes...

The first, a Florida surgeon, says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, a Michigan surgeon, responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded."

The third, a California surgeon, says: "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside of them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth, an New York surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth, from Washington D.C. shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

THE RADICAL ADDS-

DOCTORS BURY THEIR MISTAKES IN THE GROUND

POLITICANS MISTAKES ARE BURIED IN THE "HOUSE"