Subject: Fwd: Scottish lateral thinking
                                                     

 A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important

position,so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from

different parts of the world.
                           
                         

 In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours

and the one with the best answer would get the job.
                           

The question was:   "A man and a woman are in bed, nude.

The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the

woman's back.
                           
                         

 What is the man's name?"
                             
  After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from the USA , says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
                             
   

The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the

information we were given." 
                             
The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either:

Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"
                             
                           The Scotsman got the job. ;~)

A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner.
 

 His wife screams at him, "My hair & makeup are not done,
 

 the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,

I'm still in my pajamas &

I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
 

What the f*ck did you bring him home for?
 

"Cause he's thinking of getting married."

The Haircut
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
 
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

 
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
 
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
 
 
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

in copying the old canons and laws of the

church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks

are copying from copies, not from the original

1. So, the new monk goes to the

head abbot to question this, pointing out that

if someone made even a small error in the first

copy, it would never be picked up!  In fact, that

error would be continued in all of the subsequent

copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying

from the copies for centuries, but you make

a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath

the monastery where the original manuscripts

are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't

been opened for hundreds of years.  Hours go

by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down

to look for him.  He sees him banging his head

against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R !

We missed the R !

We missed the %*@# R !"

His forehead is all bruised and he is

crying uncontrollably.  The young monk

asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

'The word was...

CELEBRATE

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.  

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
 
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....
 
Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before !

Find the black & white cat, then send this puzzle along to annoy your friends! 
 

Do not forward this until you find the cat! It is there walking in plain sight.

 
Do not share this photo unless you actually find the cat ..... PLEASE.... Do not post the answer!

Is there any solid evidence that the Queen hated Margaret Thatcher as Thatcher was Prince Philip's mistress?

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

What are you on?

 Philip likes them feminine

  and Thatcher wouldn't have let him get on top.

Two guys were discussing popular  family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.
Bill said, 'I  didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry  replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked:  'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well,  son, you must have got it from your
mother, cause I've still got mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very  carefully,' the divorce
Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give  your wife £250. a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband  said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks  myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed  to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like  the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.  'But she's a great cook and
really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he  can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without  hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can  you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York  City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde  says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were  investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked  one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A  golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole  in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe:  'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the  Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K.  But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he  answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband  and I passed a
display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten  years and twenty
pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing  suit, so I sought
my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.  'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he  replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive  care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely  finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a  tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder  rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor  and calmly said, "Well, she's there"!

EATING IN THE UK  IN THE FIFTIES
* Pasta had not been invented.
* Curry was an unknown entity.
* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet
* Spices came from the Middle East where we believed that they were used for embalming
* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.
* A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
* Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
* The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage, anything else was regarded as being a bit suspicious.
* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.
* Soft drinks were called pop.
* Coke was something that we mixed with coal to make it last longer.
* A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
* A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.
* Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
* Oil was for lubricating your bike not for cooking, fat was for cooking
* Bread and jam was a treat.
* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves, not bags.
* The tea cosy was the forerunner of all the energy saving devices that we hear so much about today.
* Coffee was only drunk when we had no tea….. and then it was Camp, and came in a bottle.
* Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.
* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.
* Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist
* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.
* Soup was a main meal.
* The menu consisted of what we were given, and was set in stone.
* Only Heinz made beans, there were no others.
* Leftovers went in the dog, never in the bin.
* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.
* Sauce was either brown or red.
* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.
* Fish and chips was always wrapped in old newspapers, and definitely tasted better that way.
* Frozen food was called ice cream.
* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.
* Ice cream only came in one flavour, vanilla.
* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
* Jelly and blancmange was strictly party food.
* Healthy food had to have the ability to stick to your ribs.
* Indian restaurants were only found in India .
* Cheese only came in a hard lump.
* A bun was a small cake that your Mum made in the oven.
* Eating out was called a picnic.
* Cooking outside was called camping.
* Eggs only came fried or boiled.
* Hot cross buns were only eaten at Easter time.
* Pancakes were only eaten on Shrove Tuesday – and on that day it was compulsory.
* Cornflakes had just arrived from America but it was obvious that they would never catch on.
* We bought milk and cream at the same time in the same bottle.
* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
* Prunes were purely medicinal.
* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.
* Turkeys were definitely seasonal.
* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
* We didn't eat Croissants in those days because we couldn't pronounce them, we couldn't spell them and we didn't know what they were.
* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour bread.
* Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging triple for it they would have become a laughing stock.
* Food hygiene was only about washing your hands before meals.
* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning."
However, the one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties …. ELBOWS
 
 

Subject: Three cheers for engineers .................

FIRST  TIME  
 

 A  girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a  dinner with her parents.  
 

 Since  this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after  dinner, she would like to go out and

make love for the first  time.  
 
The  boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to  the pharmacist to get some condoms..

He tells the pharmacist it's his  first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells  the boy

everything there is to know about condoms and sex. 
 

At  the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to  buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. 

The  boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy,  it being his first time and all.  
 
 That  night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his  girlfriend at the door. 
 
"Oh,  I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on  in!"  
 
 The  boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's  parents are seated. 

The  boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and  the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.  
 
 
 10  minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.  
 
 Finally,  after 20 minutes with his head down,

the girlfriend leans over and  whispers to the boyfriend,

'I had no idea you were this  religious..'  
 
 
 The  boy turns, and whispers back, 
 
'I  had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'  

A recent article in the Cincinnati Enquirer reported that a woman,one Myra Yablonski, has sued Bethesda North

Hospital , saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex. 

     A hospital spokesman replied, “Mr Yablonski was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct

his eyesight...”

Fwd: 50 Shades of Grey

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination

to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk 

who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life. 



The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a 

good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She 

claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry 

and I checked the shower and it was completely dry, too. I knew she was 

into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the 

balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the 

rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his 

fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was 

broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I 

found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the 

balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this 

point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and 

died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office. 



The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the 

roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled 

over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the 

balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out 

on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but hit 

some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge 

chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed 

and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle 

as he directs the man to the next room. 



He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He 

apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as 

the fellow in here just before you." 



"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'

in this cedar chest....." 

PURE LOGIC ?> 

       What deep thinkers men are...
>
>
>        I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a
> cold beer.
>
>        The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
>
>        Finally I thought about an age old question:
>
>        Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
>
>        Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
>
>        Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that  question.
>
>        Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
>
>        A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
>
>        On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
>
>        I rest my case.
>
>        Time for another beer.

New Version of the Three Bears Story

.


A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.... 

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***** Porridge YET

Cinderella is now 95 years old.
 
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,
 she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching
 the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
 named Ted for companionship.
 
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the
 fairy godmother. 


 
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you
 doing here after all these years'?
 
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have
 lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there
 anything for which your heart still yearns?'
 
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some
 thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and
 I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
 
Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
 
The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do..
What do you want for your second wish?'
 
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth
 I once had.'


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful
 young visage returned. Cinderella  felt stirrings inside
 her that had been dormant for years.
 
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the
 corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Ted,
 my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Ted suddenly underwent so fundamental
 a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood
 before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him
 neither she nor the world had ever seen.
 
 
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
 
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
 
For a few eerie moments,
 
Ted and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful,
 stunningly perfect man she had ever seen..
 
Then Ted walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed
 in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young
 muscular arms.
 
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
 
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off.'

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.  

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic. The barman puts an apple on the bar and said, "try this, it's all the rage at the moment."
  "But it's an apple" the man said.
  "I know" said the barman, "but bite into it, you'll see what I mean."
  So the man bit into the apple and exclaimed, "that's brilliant, it tastes just like Gordon's, but where's the tonic?"
    " Turn it round and bite, then mingle the juices" the barman said.
    " That's fantastic" the man said, "I could get used to this!"
Another guy walks into the bar and orders a vodka and coke. The barman again puts an apple on the bar.
The guy said, "what's this, I didn't ask for an apple I asked for a drink?"
The barman said, "bite into it, you'll be pleasantly surprised."
So the guy bit into the apple and yelled "wow, that's extraordinary, a vodka flavoured apple and it tastes just like Smirnoff." 
"Told ya" said the barman.
"But where's the coke, I can't taste the coke?"
"Turn it round, take a bite and savour the two flavours" said the barman.
" That's just like the real thing" said the guy. "I could do this all night!"
Another chap, a typical Brummy, already in the bar watching the apple service, and as drunk as a skunk, said to the barman in a slurred drawl, "Oil bet yow haven't got an apple that tastes loike a pussy" (Said with a Brummy accent.)
With that the barman places another apple on the bar and said, "that's where you're wrong sir, bite into that."
The drunk took a bite and immediately spat it out, "yuk, aaargh" he cried, "that tastes loike shit!"
"Turn it round," the barman said, "turn it round."

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

 "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned

with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,

"All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned. "Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer. 

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle,

Fred replied, "The balcony."

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying

only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to

'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and

said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully

intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in

his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,..........................
 
 
 

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

The New Job

 
 A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is

boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by

feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is

attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat

anything...

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South

American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and

smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because

lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another

lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with

Mushy Bees

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out.

After finishing, I left to take
care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,

she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
She wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

       
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"



Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.         


The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ....          


Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.      

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."         


 "That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.      

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.         

                 As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"         

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wonderingwhat  this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know?    He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."
 
"You're a politician  & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.             

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"          

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."
 

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

Capital letters:

Capital Letters?

Who uses them anymore?

A teacher’s explanation, short and to the point.

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed

that more and more people who send text messages

and e-mails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category,

please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalisation is the difference between

helping your Uncle Jack off a horse

and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Are we clear?

The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the
entire length looking for a seat,

               But the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

               The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat


               The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in
particular,

               'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that
seat.'

              The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only
seat left was under that dog.

                'Please, ma'am.  May I sit down?  I'm very tired
..........'

                She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are
also arrogant.

               This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked
up the little dog,

                tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

               The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour.

               'This American should be put in his place!'



               An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.

              'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the
wrong thing.

              'You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

               You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

              'And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch
out the window.'

Crow Mortality Rate Study

A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Ceduna SA.., and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The State hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.

The ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

FULL BODY SCANS AT THE AIRPORT:

The T.S.A. disclosed the Airport Screening Results

It was also discovered that 535 politicians had no balls.

Thought you'd like to know.

Part III

Part IV

Part V

And Finally!
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
 
B
 
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something
That needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
 
A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts

CLICK HERE

More Pope Jokes ?

Being Pope was a hot potato and I didn’t fancy the Fat Fryer treatment

Gods Banker or Wanker no more

Gods (Sales) Representative fore closure

A Pope eye steak out, no more horsing about

Ex benedicts had his chips

God's cutback ?

Popemobile ran out of juice

Confessions and trials of a Nazi sympathizer

Confessions of an Oily Father

Confessions of the Leader of Abusers

God turned him down ?

No Pope No hope

A Cardinal mistake

Heavens above- hurry or you’ll miss the last bus

The prick couldn’t stand it any longer ?

Mary , Nun of your funny business, signed Joseph R

Ratzinger you really shouldn’t have opened your Easter egg early

"That’s the last Easter story I’m telling"

Pope says the retirement age is now 85

The Pope collects his Tarot cards

“ He couldn’t stand the abuse”

"A horse A horse my Kingdom for a Hamburger "

Krauts Off

We won the war Pope ! eh Henry ?

Cat o Licks 0 - Paisley 1 

The Radical - Apologies -But its all my own work 

>    Bad Joke ...
>  A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming ..
>
>  He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded
> staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
>
>  After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young
> Cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke,
>  ... 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
>
>  The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
> his best cowboy manner says,
>  'Nah, you go ahead.'
>
>  Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
> place and starts spooning it in with
>  Delight.
>
>  He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
>  The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back
> into the bowl.
>
>  The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.

This one can make a complete fool of You.

Good luck. After you have thought about this for a while, pass it on to those poor unsuspecting friends you just love to pull something over on.


' Ron's ' Card Trick. Performed by: YOU !!
Pick one of the following cards. Don 't click on it; just keep it in your head.


scroll down when you have your card,

























Think about your card for 20 seconds in front of Ron. Ron will attempt to read your mind!
Scroll down after 20 Seconds













































The Great Ron Has Removed Your Card!





SCARY ISN'T IT. Now scroll up and do it again, this will freak you out. Enjoy

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone.  You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.
I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.
They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.
That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was ve ry important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in.
It's an age thing

>
>                        A man invites his mate back home for dinner.
>
>
>
>                  The wife screams at him
>
>                 "I've not done my hair, not done my make up,
>

                     not done any housework,

                     not done the dishes

                     & can't be bothered with cooking !
>
>
>                   What the f**k did you invite him round for ? "
>
>                   "Cos he's thinking of getting married "
>


Gutsy call !

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,

'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.

We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,

'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,

'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,

'I have Commandments ...'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

We'll take 10

There. That should upset everyone

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall,

exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything,

absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...
on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which

she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly

and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

A government survey has shown that 91% of immigrants come to this
 

country so that they can see their own doctor. 

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,

SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE ,

AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY,

I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH

SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ...

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1967.. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH

ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

Subject: FW: Durex

AGE IS A WONDERFUL THING

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting..."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.

She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,

"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know

we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name...

I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said,

"How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang..

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon ,

I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I25.

Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________

SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

_____________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad.

The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.

I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?

You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while

healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

----------------------------------

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

-----------------------------------

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

---------------------------------------------------------------

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

-------------------------------------------------------------

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

----------------------------------------------------------

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

----------------------------------------------------------------

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

--------------------------------------------------------------

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

-------------------------------------------------------------

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

---------------------------------------------------------------

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this

knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says,

"Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks,

"What am I going to do now?,"

but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and

just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs...

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

       TO MY AGELESS  FRIENDS

How to be  cruel to old guys:
AARP Eye Chart






 


  

Sex On Mars 
 
The year is 2222 and John and Geraldine  land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
 
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. John

asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
 
Finally, Geraldine brings up the subject of sex.
 
'Just how do you guys do it?' she asks .
 
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
 
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...

Geraldine and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips...

He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
 
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Geraldine.
 
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
 
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
 
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
 
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
 
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the

entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
 
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
 
The next day the couples re-join their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, John asks,

'Well, was it any good?'
 
'I hate to say it,' says Geraldine, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
 
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
 
IF YOU DON'T LAUGH AT THIS, YOU ARE BEYOND HOPE!!!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1.    AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE

VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2.    AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3.    FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,

THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4.    A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER

AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5.    IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.

THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6.    YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.

IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.

IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7.    IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

From Thomas Cook Holidays

listing some of their UK clientele’s genuine complaints.

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store in Indian villages does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
 
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.  I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg-slicer in the apartment."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.
We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

You know you've been in Thailand too long when:

You think it’s normal to have a beer at 9:00 a.m.

You begin to enjoy Thai TV programs.

You look four ways before crossing a one way street.

You realize that ALL your problems are caused by Thai girls or cranky ATMs.

You put salt and chilli on your fruit

A Thai cop stops you for a minor infraction and you automatically reach for your wallet.

You think that a Honda Civic is a prestigious car.

All your tee-shirts are emblazoned with the name of some bar.

You can’t remember the last time you wore a suit and tie.

You think a polo shirt and jeans are formal attire.

Someone tells you that watching Thai politics is like watching two chameleons making love and you understand the analogy.

You aren’t upset when the bar girl next to you eats beetles as a snack.

Later the same night, you actually kiss the bar girl who earlier dined on the beetles.

You haven’t had a solid stool for five years.

You wake up in the morning and realize that you have nowhere to go and all day to get there.

You think white wine goes well with Som Tam.

You understand when your Thai wife says, ‘My friend you’ or ‘Same, same, but different.’

A Thai bar girl you’ve just met tells you that her mother is deathly ill and you just laugh and walk away.

You realize that your Thai wife’s loyalties belong to
1. Her parents.
2. Her brats from a previous marriage to a Thai scoundrel who deserted her.
3. Any remaining blood relatives.
4. The family buffalo.
5. The family’s goldfish.
6. You.

The Thai Navy buys a new submarine and you’re not surprised when the first thing they do is remove the mufflers and hang a garland from the rear view mirror.

You consider you mobile phone a fashion accessory.

You start wearing slippers everywhere

You start driving cars barefeet

You no longer enjoy Songkran. Instead, you stay home with a stack of videotapes.

You become an expert on buying and selling gold jewellery
Dogs become animals you'd rather kick than pet.

When driving a car you'll start using every free inch of the road.

You flash your 4 indicator lights when driving straight on at an intersection.

It’s two days before payday, so you only go to bars with balloons strung outside.

You realize that all the important words in Thai begin with the letter ‘S’. Sanuk (Fun), Saduak (convenient), Sabai (comfortable), Suay pretty).

You believe that buying a gold chain is an acceptable courtship ritual, or at least a form of foreplay.

You think a calendar more useful than a watch.

You go to a Thai Boxing match and a soccer game breaks out.

You stand in the shadow of a telephone pole while waiting for a bus

> RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE
>
> As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,

I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!
>
> 1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

> 2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

> 3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

> 4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

> And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
>
> I'm retired. Go around me.
>
> God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
>
> Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
>
> 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
> .
> 2.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
>
> 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
>
> 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
>
> 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
>
> 6. If all is not lost, where is it?
>
> 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
>
> 8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
>
> 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
>
> 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
>
> 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
>
> 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
>
> 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
>
> 14.  When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
>
> 15. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
>
> 16.  All my wild oats have turned to all bran.
>
> 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
>
> 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . .

I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter
>
> 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
>
> 20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . ......
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began
to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2.... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the
patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3.. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was
a tattoo that read . .. .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'