Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."
Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.
Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back
