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Jokes - A Beautiful Climbing Rose
Updated: 06 Dec 2013
Oh what a tangled language English is
and how easy it is to misconstrue;
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said…..
"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."
Jokes- The First for Christmas ?
Updated: 04 Dec 2013
First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to
get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Jokes - Our Father
Updated: 03 Dec 2013
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation,
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
"Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
Joke - Senior Drivers
Updated: 30 Nov 2013
Senior Drivers No Longer
Need Drivers License
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a 1980's white 4-door sedan that came crashing
through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to still be driving.""Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.
"I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?" "That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me
and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut it
into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'. So I thanked him and
Jokes - Enjoy
Updated: 30 Nov 2013
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when
he was shot by the woman’s husband.
A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out
for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"
Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he
achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed!!
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For god sakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
Sex Research (could be handy)
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome,
now I understand why they call you handsome!
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "
Jokes- My Blackberry is not Working
Updated: 28 Nov 2013
Here's one for all you Golf Geezers...........................
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway."Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel
like you have to pee.. And most of the time nothing happens.""Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't
have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit
on the toilet all day and nothing happens.""Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.""Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old."No, I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no
problem at all.""Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" asked the 70 year old."No, I have one every morning at 6:30 am."Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You
pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6:30 am. So
what's so tough about being 80?""I don't wake up until seven."
Jokes- Test Your Skills
Updated: 28 Nov 2013
Here's another trick of Doctor Dementia to test your skills ...
Can you meet this challenge?
I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer's is a long long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.
To my 'selected' strange-mindedfriends:
If you can read the above paragraph, forward it on to your friends with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!
If you can read this, you have a stragne mnid, too.
Can you read this? Only 55 people out of 100 can.
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it.
FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT. Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line.
Jokes - I Love You
Updated: 28 Nov 2013
The Effect of Four Little Words....
The effect of those FOUR little words ... "I LOVE YOU, SWEETHEART"
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.
Here are some of the replies: 1. Who the hell is this? 2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??4. What now? Did you crash the car again?5. I don't understand what you mean?6. What the f*ck did you do now?7. ?!?8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?9. Am I dreaming? 10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??
Jokes - The Miracle
Updated: 28 Nov 2013
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won't say what it is but wants Father Flannigan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings the priest into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that."
"Well," Fr. Flannigan says, "it's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, measurements, etc."
An investigation of some rigor is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but also by scientists sent from the Archbishop in Dublin.
The final ruling is negative, however. It read:
"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."
Jokes - Complaints Made to Councils
Updated: 28 Nov 2013
Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16.. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
Jokes - Stress Management
Updated: 26 Nov 2013
A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an
audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or
half full?'... She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called
out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.
She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute,
that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm." "If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call
an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued,
"and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes
increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're
refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in
the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick
them up tomorrow.
1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird
names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*
Jokes - More and More
Updated: 26 Nov 2013
- We miss Rodney Dangerfield ..........
Because he said .... My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips,
yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door.
She was wearing a sexy negligee.
The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over there's nobody home.'
I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said,
'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.
That's when you put a bag over your head in case
the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen
the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked.
I asked him, 'Why?'
He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy.
When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Jokes - A Wee Bit
Updated: 26 Nov 2013
A Weeeee Bit
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
Jokes- The Good Word ?
Updated: 26 Nov 2013
Subject: Fw: So it is written. so it shall be.
Two Laws in the Bible were fulfilled on the same day.
For those who haven't heard, Washington State passed two landmark laws:
"Gay marriage" and the "Legalization of marijuana".The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on
the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they
should be stoned."
Jokes - Peaches and Peas
Updated: 25 Nov 2013
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the
store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing
throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied,
"Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?" The
judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might
speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"
The husband said, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
Jokes - A Senile Moment of Madness
Updated: 25 Nov 2013
A senile madness moment
I wonder if they deliver Emails on Sunday ?
Joke- Or No Joke ?
Updated: 25 Nov 2013
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his
chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and,
tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Jokes- The Benefits of Being George
Updated: 15 Nov 2013
The new royal baby, George, has already done three of the things on my bucket list.
1. Became a billionaire
2. Met the Queen
3. Sucked Kate Middleton's Boobs
Jokes- Adam and a Lemon ?
Updated: 15 Nov 2013
A woman went through a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
She replied, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn!
Jokes- The Perks of Getting Old
Updated: 15 Nov 2013
NOT TOO SURE ABOUT NO;9
Perks of reaching 50
or being over 60
and heading towards
70 or beyond! 1..
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.2.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first. 3.
No one expects you to run --
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'5.
People no longer view you as a
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.7.
Things you buy now
won't wear out.8.
You can eat
supper at 4 PM.
You can live without sex
but not your glasses.10.
You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.11.
You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge.12.
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room. 13.
You sing along
with elevator music.14.
Your eyes won't get
Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off. 16.
Your joints are more accurate
than the national weather service.17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
a manageable size. 19.
You can't remember
who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all
in big print
for your convenience.
Forward this to everyone
you can remember
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER ,
under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
Jokes - Talking Dog
Updated: 14 Nov 2013
*** Talking Dog
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
"Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’."
"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough!" the dog answers.
The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.
"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you."
He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!" goes the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
Jokes- Doggie Bag
Updated: 14 Nov 2013
*** Doggie Bag
Rhonda made a trip to the butcher shop every Friday in preparation for having the family to dinner Sunday. One
she saw something most peculiar – a dog walked right into the butcher shop.
"What’ll it be today?" the butcher asked the dog. "T-bone?"
The dog shook his head.
"Roast?" suggested the butcher.
The dog shook his head.
"Lamb?" tried the butcher.
The dog wagged his tail excitedly.
The butcher wrapped up two pieces of lamb, gave them to the dog and the dog trotted out. The same thing happened the following Friday and Rhonda was so intrigued that she decided to follow the dog out of the shop. She saw the dog walk up the steps to a house, stand on his hind legs and ring the doorbell with his nose. A man answered the door and immediately started shouting angrily at the dog.
Rhonda was incensed. "You should be ashamed of yourself," she told the man. "That is the cleverest dog I've ever seen. He goes to the butcher's, fetches your food, brings it home and rings the doorbell. And you treat him like that!"
"That may be," said the man, "but it's the fourth time this month that he's forgotten his key."
Updated: 13 Nov 2013
I DIDN'T BELIEVE THESE LAWS AT FIRST, BUT HAVE FOUND THEM TO BE TRUE FROM ACTUAL EXPERIENCE.
1.Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch, you'll have to pee and your cell phone will ring.
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
6.Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.Murphy's Law of Lockers- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Jokes- Divorce v Murder
Updated: 13 Nov 2013
DIVORCE vs. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his
eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband,
that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "Why didn't you didn't tell me you had a prescription?"
Jokes- Irish Humour
Updated: 11 Nov 2013
Subject: Irish Court
The judge says to a double murder defendant, "You're charged with
beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to
death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom: "Sir,
I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no
more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that
Paddy stands up and says: "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen
years I've lived next door to that asshole, and every time I asked to
borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
Jokes - Home Sweet Home
Updated: 11 Nov 2013
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
14.. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful
parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Jokes - Whose Smarter ?
Updated: 08 Nov 2013
A guy and his date are parked on a back road some distance from town. They are messing around when the girl stops the boy abruptly. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge twenty dollars for sex."
The boy reluctantly pays her, and they carry on. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sits in the driver's seat, staring out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asks the girl.
"Well, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is twenty-five dollars."
Jokes- The Laws of Golf
Updated: 08 Nov 2013
Subject: FW: The Laws of Golf
(I never make fun of my own haircut.............see Law 15)
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly
made with this most unusual natural alloy.
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother in Law does not come close.
Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.
If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if you're still 4 feet away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Jokes- Your Wife ?
Updated: 08 Nov 2013
Subject: Fw: You're not going to believe
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe who had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ... naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much?"
- "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
Jokes- Best Golf One Ever ?
Updated: 02 Nov 2013
Subject: Best golf joke in a while!
A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab
being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back
of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious. "You probably saved my life," says the grateful
Arab. "I am a member of the
Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you
desire as a reward."The golfer glances at his golf bag. "Some new golf clubs would be nice," he
says. Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up."We've got your golf clubs," she says,
"but the Sheikh would like to apologize
to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."
Jokes- A Fairy Tale
Updated: 02 Nov 2013
Subject: Who can resist a fairy tale. . .
- Little Afternoon History -
Once upon a time there lived a King.
The King had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth...
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red .
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
I WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES.
Jokes- Halloween ?
Updated: 02 Nov 2013
Subject: Your first Halloween message
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket
banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clappingclappity-
BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on his heels, the terrified man runs
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and,(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
.The coffin stops!
Jokes- Rye Bread
Updated: 02 Nov 2013
A man was walking around a new town, looking for a place to eat, when he spotted a restaurant called "Anything
A notice on the window read "We can fix any dish you ask for - if we don't have it, you will be paid $200".
Thinking this was a pretty good deal, the man went in and sat down at a table.
The waitress came over to take his order.
He said "I'll have roast elephant on rye bread, hold the mayo."
She snapped her gum, stuck her pencil back in her hair and walked into the kitchen.
All of a sudden, the man heard screaming and yelling, pots and pans being thrown, and dishes breaking.
The kitchen door slammed open as the owner came charging out.
He put two one-hundred dollar bills on the table, and said "I can't believe it.
I've been in business here for ten years, and this is the first time I've run out of rye bread!"
Jokes- The Sheer Nightgown
Updated: 31 Oct 2013
The Sheer Nightgown....
A husband walks into David Jones to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500 they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon
Jokes - Is Less better ?
Updated: 31 Oct 2013
Pretty well sums it all up…
WELCOME TO THE 21STCENTURY!
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
Everything is becoming LESS but still
In fact we are ~ Speechless
And Parliament is - CLUELESS!
And our Government is –WORTHLESS!
SUMS IT UP - DOESN'T IT ? ? ?
Jokes - To Make you Smile
Updated: 31 Oct 2013
*** Fastest Dad
Three kids argue, whose father is the fastest.
One says, "My father is the fastest, he can overtake an arrow he shot with a bow."
The second one says, "My father is even faster - when he hunts, he can shoot a deer with a gun and run up to it before it falls down."
The third kid says, "You actually don't understand what speed is. My father works for the city. He finishes work at 4:30 pm, but he's back home by 3:45 pm almost every day."
*** Snail Party
Tom and Mary lived in a beachside condo in Atlantic City. Mary loved entertaining and, strangely, liked bringing unique creatures to her affairs. For this event, she had booked a variety of exotic snakes, but a few hours before the doors were to open the snake handler cancelled.
Scrambling she said, “Tom, why don’t you go down to the beach and collect some of those sea snails we saw this morning.”
Now there were few things in the world that Tom hated more than Mary’s strange parties. So as he left the condo, he wanted to stall. He went out for dinner to his favorite steak house. Then he went to his friend Al’s place to watch the basketball game, and then out for a movie. Before he knew it, it was 1:00 in the morning and he hadn’t gotten his wife those snails.
Quickly he hurried down to the beach, picked up a few snails, rushed home, stumbled out of the elevator, dropping the snails.
At that moment, Mary angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and accusing him of ruining her party.
Tom looked towards the snails and said “C’mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we’re there!”
*** A Real Card
The Sales Associate at Wal-Mart notices an older looking man in the card section. When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help.
“Hello sir, my name is Mary,” she said.
“Hello Mary, I’m Fred Jones,” replied the man.
“Is there anything I can help you with Mr. Jones?”
“Well I don’t know, I’m having a problem. I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”
*** The Immigrant
A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your business in Australia?"
"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.
The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction record?"
Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."
*** Two Fingers Up
It's the first day at school and as soon as the first class begins, the teacher tells everyone, "Listen children. If at any time during the lesson any one of you needs to go to the restroom, all you have to do is to hold up two fingers."
After a few moments of thinking about what he's just heard, little Johnny, "Miss, how will that help?"
Jokes- Child Abuse ?
Updated: 31 Oct 2013
Subject: Fwd: Politically correct thinking and the answer
My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.
'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'
It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.'
Mom's Reply and Thoughts
Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D ...
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.
I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C..S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best. '
I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'
He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C .S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?'
Send to all people that have teenagers, have already raised teenagers, have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH.
MOM (Mean Old Mother)
Jokes- Auntie Acid
Jokes - Telephones
Updated: 30 Oct 2013
Subject: Fw: PHONE UPDATE . . . .
Jokes -Ambiguity and Idiosyncrasies
Updated: 30 Oct 2013
Subject: Ambiguity and Idiosyncrasies
1. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
(This one took me a minute)
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY,' THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
Jokes- The Seamstress and her Thimble
Updated: 25 Oct 2013
The Seamstress and Her Thimbles
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Tom Selleck.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Tom Selleck, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Tom Selleck."
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others
Jokes - Ladies Medical
Updated: 25 Oct 2013
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
Jokes- Another Golfing One
Updated: 25 Oct 2013
Subject: Fwd: Women Play Hard Golf
One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when
suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says,
Well, he's certainly not my husband.
As he passes by the second woman, she also glances at his
genitalia and says, He's not my husband either.
He then passes by the third woman, who stares carefully as
he runs by her.
Wait a minute, she says. He's not even a club member!!!!
Jokes -Seven advantages of Mother's milk
Updated: 25 Oct 2013
Subject: Mid-term Exam
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was:
'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
Jokes- Confucius Says :
Updated: 21 Oct 2013
Man who drive like Hell,
bound to get there.
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
Man who run in
front of car get tired
Man with one
chopstick go hungry
Jokes- That's what friends are for ?
Updated: 19 Oct 2013
Two very old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our
lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to
Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first ," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday."
Jokes - Suspicious Wifey
Updated: 14 Oct 2013
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his
friends for fishing.. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've
been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend....
And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?
We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..
Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,
She does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him
home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.”
He said “but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".
Jokes- Six in the place for One
Updated: 14 Oct 2013
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
Joke - Nymphomaniac Convention
Updated: 12 Oct 2013
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his
seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him."Hello", he
blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the
annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!Struggling to
maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?""Lecturer," she
responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality..""Really", he smiled,
"what myths are those?""Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well
endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."Suddenly the woman became
uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
know your name!""Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
Jokes- Animal Girl
Updated: 11 Oct 2013
A teacher asked her class "What do you want out of life"?
A little girl in the back raised her hand and said "All I want out of life is four animals".
The teacher asked "Really? And what four animals would that be"?
The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in my garage, a tiger in my bed and a jackass to pay for all of it".
Jokes- Americans -How Moving
Updated: 11 Oct 2013
Subject: Washington DC Airport Ticket Agent:
Airport Ticket Agent: Congressional Travel Questions
Hi – Here’s something that’s sure to make you laugh if it doesn't make you sick first.
These people run our country and advise our President who really needs help.
A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why the US Government is in so much trouble:
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ...''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..''
His response -- click..
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama, who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!
Jokes - Obama Care - Jest or What ? A Story of Washington Spoilt Brats ?
Updated: 11 Oct 2013
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a
lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists
considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh,
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter
pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists
thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
Jokes- Lunch and Crunch
Updated: 11 Oct 2013
*** Construction Lunch I
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 75th floor of a
new building. The lunch siren sounds.
The Irishman opens his lunch and said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more
time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to
jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The
Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna
and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef
and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated
burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
And as the two wives stared at the blonde’s wife, they both asked why she wasn't sad about her husbands
death. She replied "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
Jokes- Irish V The French
Updated: 11 Oct 2013
Irish vs The French!
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
Jokes- This is No Joke
Updated: 10 Oct 2013
Anything managed through bureaucracies!!!..
You will like this! ... And it is a true story!
A man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia )
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.
The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by
He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and
they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the
account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.
However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was
yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as
good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he
Had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
recover the debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
company nothing at all.
A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0..00
cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the
computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00
and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate
steps to recover the debt.
At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks
at the local courthouse that he was not joking.
They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties
he had been forced to endure during this debacle.
The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome
The gas company was ordered to:
 Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show cause,
within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court
for consideration under Company Law.
 Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
 Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.
 Pay the claimant's court costs; and
 Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
caused their client to suffer.
And all this over $0.00.
Who employs these idiots? an honest answer would offend.
This story can also be viewed on the ABC website
Jokes - Fast Lady
Updated: 10 Oct 2013
A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding..
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know
Jokes- Understanding Airline Pricing
Updated: 08 Oct 2013
Understanding Airline pricing
From an airline Captain with more than three decades in the airline industry.
He says "I never really understood how airline ticket pricing worked until I read this analogy.
Perhaps some of the airline pilots and passengers on your mailing list might also appreciate this."
Customer : Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk : Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer : Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk : Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer : What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk : Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer : Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk : When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer : I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk : Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer : When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk : You would have to start very late at night in 21 days, or about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer : You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk : I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer : You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk : But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer : The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk : Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer : Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk : Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. If you change any colors there is a $50.00 change fee, even if it is the same brand. Also, no refunds.
Customer : WHAT?
Clerk : We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer : What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk : We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer : This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk : Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer : But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $12 a gallon", signs?
Clerk : Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $6 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer : To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk : I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer : I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk : That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer : And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk : Yes, and we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer : You're insane!
Clerk : Thanks for painting with United!
~ Author Unknown ~
Jokes- Jewish Sunbathing
Updated: 10 Oct 2013
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally
deserted beach at Ft. Myers.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had
walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned
back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is
very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her
swimsuit and gave her the most passionate time of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How
did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?
Jokes- Gynaecologist's Assistant Wanted
Updated: 07 Oct 2013
A man went to a doctor's surgery in Harley Street in London having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked for details.
The receptionist pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails preparing the ladies for the gynecologist."
"You must help the women remove their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."
"The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Newcastle"
"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
"No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."