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1 Jokes-Dog Latin for Beginners ?
Updated: 28 Jul 2014
Gwynne's Latin
 
Gwynne's Latin; The Ultimate Introduction to Latin Including the Latin in Everyday English.

POMPEY AD SUM JAM FORTE

CAESAR ADERAT

17
2 Jokes -The Meaning of Aplomb
Updated: 27 Jul 2014

THE MEANING OF APLOMB:

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Carson

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His Lordship


His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached

and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found

a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is

self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember

a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived

to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff

and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember

when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb

very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself

remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own

dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore.

Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

 

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship,

Kate inquired of Will with a loud voice: 'Darling, does your prick

still throb?'

. . . “And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

 

THAT is ‘aplomb.’”

21
3 Jokes- Suitable For Sunday
Updated: 27 Jul 2014

 


 
 

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21
4 Jokes- More Fun
Updated: 26 Jul 2014


 
 
 Fun



 
 

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41
5 Jokes- Observations
Updated: 26 Jul 2014
OBSERVATIONS/Some New Ones in Here!!!

  
  
cid:E2678AF0-F372-46BB-968B-EC1137DE48F8

  
  
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.

  
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Old age is when you have stopped growing at both ends,
and have begun to grow in the middle.
 
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A man has reached old age when he is cautioned
to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.

  
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
 
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You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

  

cid:5538E946-8624-4FC1-B8E5-FFFD677DBAB9

  
  
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

  
  
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Old age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

  
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40
6 Jokes-Our Father
Updated: 26 Jul 2014

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a Priest, said, .... 'I am a Father..' The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that..' 

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Fatherof hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

41
7 Jokes - Confucius Says
Updated: 26 Jul 2014
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Confucius Say.
OK to let a fool kiss you,
But not OK to let a kiss fool you.
 
Confucius Say.
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs
For real merchandise downstairs.

Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.
 
Confucius Say.
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy

Confucius Say.
Drunken man's words
Often sober man's thoughts.

Confucius Say.
Marriage is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Confucius Say.
Viagra just like Disneyland .......
One hour wait for 2-minute ride.

Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say.
Joke is just like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.
39
8 Jokes - Sipping Vodka
Updated: 25 Jul 2014
 
 
SIPPING VODKA
 
 
 
Finally, a chain letter that I don't mind forwarding.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
It's funny (don't break chain)
 
 
 
 
 
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
 
 
 
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
 
 
 
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
 
 
 
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
 
 
 
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
 
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
 
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
 
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
 
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
 
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
 
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
 
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
 
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
 
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
 
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
 
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
 
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
 
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's nota peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 
 
 
The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.
 
 
 
Do not keep this letter. Do not send money just forward it to twelve of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh. You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken.
37
9 Jokes -"Post Tortoises" - Politicians and their role as our leaders
Updated: 18 Jul 2014

This pretty well sums up the M.P.s of today!

An elderly farmer was in the Emergency Ward having stitches put in his hand,

due to an accident with a piece of machinery.

The doctor carrying out the procedure struck up a conversation with the old man,

and eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'Post Tortoise' was?

The old farmer said,

"When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top,

that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer, seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face, continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there,

he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function,

and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

.........Best explanation I've heard yet !!!!!

43
10 Jokes- A.A.A.D.D.- Know the Symptoms of an OAP
Updated: 18 Jul 2014

Subject: A.A.A.D.D. DISORDER

A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table,
And see that there is only one cheque left.


My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

P.S. I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry

44
11 Jokes- Your English lesson for today
Updated: 18 Jul 2014

Here's your English lesson for today!

 
 
This for a good laugh. 
 
        No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However,
 
during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world,
 
Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.
 
 
         The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between
 
‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”
 
 
        Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you
 
are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.’”
 
 
        His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
41
12 No Joke ? -Job at the FBI
Updated: 18 Jul 2014

Job at the FBI


The FBI had an opening for an assassin ...


After all the background checks, interviewsand testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

 

the men to a large metal door and handed

 

him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your

 

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

 

in a chair . . . kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

 

never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

 

for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

 

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

 

quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

 

but I can't kill my wife..' The agent said, 'You don't

 

have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

 

same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

 

gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

 

after another. They heard screaming, crashing,

 

banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

 

quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

 

woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

 

beat him to death with the fuckingchair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

43
13 Jokes- Bumper Stickers for OAP's
Updated: 16 Jul 2014

I can relate to most of these

 

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44
14 Jokes- Farmer McCoy
Updated: 16 Jul 2014

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer,

received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions

stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage

and they would send an inspector to interview them.

 

alt

 

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit

. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky

and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

37
15 Jokes- Children All at Sea
Updated: 14 Jul 2014

Children Writing About the Ocean


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly,
age 6)

2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have
ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy,
age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and
comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to
make
the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful
and I
like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like,
really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my
willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go
down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up
her
big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I
don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What
he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James,
age 7)

43
16 Jokes-What is a Grandparent ? - Aged 8
Updated: 14 Jul 2014
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?    (taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
 
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.  They like other people's.
 
A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
 
Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.  They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.  It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
 
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
 
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
 
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.  They wear glasses and funny underwear.
 
They can take their teeth and gums out.
 
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
 
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
 
When they read to us, they don't skip.  They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
 
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
 
They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
 
GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH!   HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
 
It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
43
17 Jokes- For Women ?
Updated: 09 Jul 2014

Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed. Soon after take-off, the blonde man called a stewardess to his seat and said "I have a live grenade in my pocket. I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo". Perplexed, the stewardess said "But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo". "Damn!" replied the blonde passenger "I got on the wrong plane!"
--
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes". "Did you hit her with that golf club?" "Yes. Yes, I did" the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know. Five... six... put me down for a five".
--
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out "Watch the fucking wall!"
--
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex". The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

--

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud 'THUD', and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest "Where are you going, Father?" The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road. "I'll give you a lift".

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud 'THUD' Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer".

The priest replied "That's okay... I got him with the door".

--

A blonde man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a FOURTH TIME with the same result.

He did this a FIFTH TIME and now was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got FIVE tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

--

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.

Sid asks Abe "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?" Abe replies "I don't know, let's ask our waiter".

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.

"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews".

Abe isn't satisfied and asks "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies "I check once again, senor" and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico ....
Our people are scattered everywhere".

The waiter returns and says "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews".

"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE" replies the exasperated waiter. "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews".

--

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says "Who was that?" "Oh" replies the husband "she's my mistress".

"Well, that's the last straw" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that" replies her husband "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours".

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress" says her husband. "Ours is prettier" she replies.

54
18 Jokes- Air Traffic Control Freaks -"Just Keep Circling"
Updated: 09 Jul 2014

A few gems from Air Traffic Control

 

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles"...
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

 

=========================

 

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 

=========================

 

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. 
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

=========================

 

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

 

=========================

 

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

 

==========================

 

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727.
An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!

You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you

to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"


Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!

You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour

and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you

and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

 

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

 

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent

after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging

the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

 

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.


Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

54
19 Jokes- A Very Unlikely One
Updated: 09 Jul 2014

An elderly very hand-sum Italian man named Vince, who lived on the outskirts of Rome,

Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest
slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father Tim ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from
our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to
hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
 
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you
have no need to confess that."
 
"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with
sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes
twice on Sundays."
 
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you
did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people
under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of
the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions,
you are indeed forgiven."
 
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have
one more question."
 
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
 
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
45
20 Jokes- Suarez - The Bite - Bright - Right Man ?
Updated: 09 Jul 2014

Suarez - Once bitten Twice Cry?

I'm just going out for a bite ?

Bite back ? - yes please ?

Bite with all thy Might ?

Suarez was see out with a Bittern ?

A Bird in the hand is worth two Bites ?

"Having a Bite with You" ?

Love Bite ?

OK your turn ------------------

 

Radical

38
21 Jokes- World Leaders ?
Updated: 09 Jul 2014

  AS SEEN BY THE REST OF THE WORLD....

 
 
 
Everyone in Europe gets these funnies, but not in the US.
 
I'm sure if published in a US newspaper, they would have to answer to Holder, the IRS and the CIA.
 
These are some good ones.
 
They certainly show the great esteem in which Europeans hold Obama, and by extension, the modern U.S.A.
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41
22 Jokes - Hindsight ?
Updated: 09 Jul 2014

We don't make this stuff up in New Zealand

 

A recent article in the Wellington, New Zealand newspaper The Dominion Post,

reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital,

saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest

in sex.

 

A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract

surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

42
23 Jokes - Hello Sailor
Updated: 25 Jun 2014

Norman & the prostitute 

 
 
 Norman, an old retired sailor,

Puts on his old uniform

And heads for the docks once more,

For old times sake and some hot sex.

 

He engages a lovely prostitute

And takes her up to a room.

 

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,

But needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

 

The prostitute replies,

'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

 

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

 

She says,

'You're knot hard, you're knot in,

And you're knot getting your money back.

46
24 Jokes- Who needs Parents anyway ?
Updated: 25 Jun 2014

 

1.      My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside...I just  finished cleaning."  

2.  My Parents taught me RELIGION.  
"You better pray that comes out of the carpet."  

3.   My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't cut it out, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next  week!"  

4.  My Parents taught me LOGIC
" Because I said so, that's why."  

5.  My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC .  
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with  me."  

6.  My Parents taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're hit by a bus."  

7.  My Parents taught me IRONY.  
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."  

8.   My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."  

9.  My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"  

10.  My Parents taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all those peas are gone." 

11.   My Parents taught me about WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 

12.  My Parents  taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 

13.  My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it."  

14.  My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like a goose!" 

15.  My Parents taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 

16.  My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home." 

17.  My Parents taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"  

18.  My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 

19.  My Parents taught me ESP
"Put your jumper on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"  

20.   My Parents taught me HUMOUR. 
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."  

21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.  
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."  

22.  My Parents taught me GENETICS.  
"You're just like your father."  

23.  My Parents taught me about my ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"  

24.  My Parents taught me WISDOM.  
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 

25.  My Parents taught me about JUSTICE. 
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
49
25 Jokes- Girls -Don't Mess with Old Men ?
Updated: 23 Jun 2014

Old men can still think fast.

TRESPASSERS……….

 
An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables,

horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. 

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,:- ..............
 

 

 

 

 

 

'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'

Some old men can still think fast

48
26 Jokes- Signs of Life ?
Updated: 23 Jun 2014

TRUTH AND WISDOM IS EXPRESSED IN THESE SIGNS,

BE SURE TO READ THE SMALL PRINT!!

``

If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life,
Then let's all get wasted together
And have the time of our lives.


Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC

Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity.

The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO

No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her shit.


Men ' s Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

=0 A

It's hard to make a comeback
When you haven't been anywhere.


Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ

Make love, not war.
Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!


Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT

If voting could really change things,
It would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .

If pro is opposite of con, then what is

the opposite of progress?

Congress!


Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC

Express Lane:
Five beers or less.


Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ

You're too good for him..


Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

 

No wonder you always go home alone.


Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it.

Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX

0A



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot

and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and

not try to understand her at all.
______________________________


LONGEVITY


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men

are a lot more willing to die...

_____________________________

...AND MY FAVORITE

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE

FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking

me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them

at funerals.

46
27 Jokes- The Agony of it all
Updated: 23 Jun 2014
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS
 
AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING LETTERS:
 
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a
social worker in her mid twenties. These two women
go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man
go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they
could be Lebanese?
 
 
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl
Language and Violence on my VCR?
 
 
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust.  He cheats so much,
I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
 
 
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who
has been on the pill for two years.  It's getting expensive
and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but
I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
 
 
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around,
and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything
and said it would never happen again.
 
 
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy
who was raised in a good Christian home turn against
his own?
 
 
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.
Now how do I get out?
 
 
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.
He must be crazy.
 
 
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know
he drank until one night he came home sober.
 
 
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she
is going through mental pause.
 
 
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest
in sex to send him to a doctor.  Well, my husband lost all
interest in sex and he is a doctor.  Now what do I do? 
53
28 BMW Grammar Mistake - Sour Krauts ?
Updated: 23 Jun 2014

Grammar Obsessed Teen Takes On BMW

2 days 17 hours ago, Broken News Daily

Earlier this year 15-year-old British schoolboy Albert Gifford was in the news when he forced the British Supermarket chain
 
Tesco to change the labeling on their orange juice packaging because of a grammatical error. Now, the fastidious teen is
 
upset with a new commercial BMW UK is running that features the slogan “Bites As Bad As It Barks.” Albert’s problem with
 
the slogan is that it uses bad as an adverb, and bad isn’t an adverb.
48
29 Las Vegas Casino Chips in Catholic Collecting Plates
Updated: 23 Jun 2014

Las Vegas Churches

I DID NOT KNOW THIS ABOUT LAS VEGAS




Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas

but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash

when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos,

the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting

and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.


This is done by the chip monks.

48
30 Jokes -A Birthday Surprise
Updated: 23 Jun 2014
"You never surprise me" a woman moaned one day to her long-suffering husband.
 
 "Buy me a surprise for my birthday. Something that can accelerate from 0 to 180 in under 4 seconds, and I'd prefer a blue one," she hinted.

Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday.

Finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her.

 
 
 
 Blue Weigh Scales?
 
He's dead now, but he died a legend.
 
 
 
 
53
31 Jokes-Rooney Scores - So that's alright -"Home Boys to cash the Cheque"-
Updated: 20 Jun 2014

Rooney Scores - So that's alright -Home Boys to Cash in the Cheque

 

Allegedly, when the England team arrived in Brazil, the pilot opened his cockpit window, as they were disembarking,

to ask Hodgson if he wanted him to keep the engine running.

 

Hodgson allegedly replied - Will you be turning the plane round first or going straight on ?

 

A crash course in diplomacy ?

83
32 Jokes - Student Answers
Updated: 19 Jun 2014
Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
 
Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
 
Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
 
Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
 
Q5.. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
 
Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch &dinner
 
Q7.. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
 
Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* Wet
 
Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
 
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has one hand.
 
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands
 
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.
 
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
52
33 Jokes - It's a Miracle
Updated: 18 Jun 2014
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your 'ass', didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

50
34 No Joke - The Wrong End
Updated: 18 Jun 2014
 
*** The End III
 
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.   The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner.  Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."
 
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well.
 
"Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."
 
She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.  After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom.  They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.
 
Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her...
 
"Honey?" he whispers.
 
She rolls over and again proceeds to make love.
 
Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.
 
Well, the man decides to tap her again.
 
"Honey?" he whispers.
 
She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"
48
35 No Joke - The Other End
Updated: 18 Jun 2014
*** The End II
 
As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlour the family discusses funeral arrangements.
 
Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos."
 
Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."
 
They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."
 
Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough."
 
Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."
45
36 No Joke - The End
Updated: 18 Jun 2014
*** The End I
 
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.  While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.  He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.  With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
 
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.  Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted  wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
 
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......
 
"Don't touch them," she said, "they're for the funeral."
48
37 Jokes-Travel Agent Tales
Updated: 18 Jun 2014
*** Travel Agent Tales
 
The following are [allegedly] actual stories provided by travel agents:
 
I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
 
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
 
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response...click.
 
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
 
I got a call from a man who asked "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said "No" He said "But they look so close on the map."
 
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1 hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
 
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
 
A woman called and asked "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said "No, why do you ask?" She replied "Well, when I checked in with the airline they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
 
I just got off the phone with a man who asked "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
 
A woman called and said "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said "Yeah, whatever"
 
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
 
A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere" The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.
46
38 Jokes- Blown it ?
Updated: 16 Jun 2014

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as:

"I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than

"I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
 

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

52
39 Nick Clegg: Spain on course to win World Cup after 5-1 defeat
Updated: 15 Jun 2014

Nick Clegg: Spain on course to win World Cup after 5-1 defeat

14SaturdayJun 2014

Posted by in spite

(satire?)

The Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has said Spain is well on the way to winning the World Cup after its 5:1 routing by

Holland in Brazil.

Mr Clegg told reporters it was “never easy” seeing “dedicated, hard-working” opponents score against them, but he

insisted the Spanish were still succeeding where they “focused on their achievements.

Based on the results which have come in so far, it has obviously been a mixed result for Spain, but other teams have had

mixed results too,” Mr Clegg said.

Although the Deputy Prime Minister conceded that Spain had suffered a minor setback at the hands of a Dutch surge, he

added that the Spanish team was “doing well in the areas where they have good organisation on the ground.

Mr Clegg added: “We will see what the further results today, what story they tell. But so far what I have seen is that where

Spain can work really hard to tell their side of the story, they can win.

He urged Spanish players to highlight the positive things their team had brought to the 5:1 defeat, such as their ability to run

around aimlessly for 90 minutes without getting a stitch and managing not to burst into tears, at least in public.

51
40 Jokes -Pastor's Teeth
Updated: 10 Jun 2014
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
After he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
Talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
To talk for more than 10 minutes. But,
the third Sunday, he put his
Wife's' teeth in by mistake and......he couldn't stop talking...

60
41 Jokes- No Sex Tonight
Updated: 10 Jun 2014

No Sex Tonight!

I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either…

59
42 Jokes- Aisle,Alter,Hymn
Updated: 10 Jun 2014
The Aisle, the Altar, the Hymn

 
Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:
 
Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get
married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once
their vows are exchanged?
 
Finally, the riddle is solved.
 
A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.
When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down
the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir
singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts
where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:
 
Aisle, altar, and hymn.
 
She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these
perceptions:
 
Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn.
 
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is
complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:

 
'I'll alter him!’

 
HERE ENDETH THE LESSON
55
43 Jokes - Tomatoes
Updated: 10 Jun 2014
 Tomatoes
 
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
 
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
 
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
 
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
 
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
 
No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
57
44 For those who thought they knew everything
Updated: 03 Jun 2014
 
 

alt
alt


 

alt

*****************************************************************************
altThe liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.
***************************************************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Oh go ahead ... I'll wait... ****************************************************************************
Donkeys kill more people annually
altthan plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )
************************************************************************
You burn more calories sleeping
altthan you do watching television.
**************************************************************************
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
****************************************************************************
The first product to have a bar code
altwas Wrigley's gum.
*************************************************************************
The King of Hearts is the only king
alt
WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
***************************************************************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 2013 by eliminating one (1) olive
altfrom each salad served in first-class. **************************************************************************
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
alt
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)
(That women are going in the 'right' direction..?)


 

*********************************************************************
Apples, not caffeine,
alt
are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .
************************************ ***********************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from
alt
DEAD SKIN !
************************************************************************ ****
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
alt
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
***************************************************************************
Walt Disney was afraid
alt
OF MICE!
**************************************************************************
PEARLS DISSOLVE
alt
IN VINEGAR!
*********************************************************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
**********************************************************************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
alt
but, not downstairs. 

************************************************************************ 
A duck's quack doesn't echo,
alt
and no one knows why.
************************************************************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
alt
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
***************************************************


 

And the best for last.....
alt
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)


 

So.......................

alt


 

Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on......
and go move your toothbrush! 
alt


 


 


 

And stop folding that damn paper!

73
45 Jokes - How do you tell the difference between Police Officers
Updated: 07 Jun 2014
 


How do you  tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a  Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish  police officer?

QUESTION: You're on  duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant  hates you) walking on a deserted street late at  night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife  comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,  raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are  carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it.  However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches  you.  What do you do ?

ANSWER:

British   Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider  the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or  oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does  not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a  ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that  would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively  ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing  my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

  1. Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings  ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind  of message does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely  want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

  1. If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab  and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns  and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and  kills himself ? 

13) If I hurt him and lose  the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me,  cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home  ?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG  !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG !  BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG  !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG  ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG  !


Glasgow Police Officer:


"Haw,  Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer  arse!"

 
56
46 Job Descriptions
Updated: 01 Jun 2014
 Daily Smile - Job Descriptions
 
Accountant:
Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
 
Auditor:
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
 
Banker:
A fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
 
Economist:
An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
 
Statistician:
Someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
 
Actuary:
Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
 
Programmer:
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
 
Mathematician:
A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
 
Topologist:
A man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
 
Lawyer:
A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a 'brief'.
 
Psychologist:
Someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room
 
Professor:
Someone who talks in someone else's sleep
 
Consultant:
Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time
 
Committee:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours
74
47 Women
Updated: 25 Jun 2014


 

 
 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

King David


 


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sasha Guitry


 


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.

If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates


 


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous


 


The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

Dumas


 


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


Sigmund Freud


 


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'


 

Red Skelton


 


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'


Sam Kinison


 


'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra


 


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murray


 


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....


Nash


 


You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.


Anonymous


 


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.

Henny Youngman


 


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


Rodney Dangerfield


 


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


Anonymous


 

 

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous

83
48 Privatising the NHS -Humour
Updated: 30 May 2014

 


 

 
 
 
 

 THE BUDGET CUTS

The UK Health Minister "Runt's"  Decision to Back Door Privatisation of the NHS

The Allergists voted to scratch them, but the

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the

Neurologists thought he had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt he was labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the

Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the ideas were madness, while the

Radiologists could see right through them.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of
the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the

Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the

Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the ideas were a gas, but the

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
a#%@holes in parliament!

69
49 Thoughts of Life
Updated: 30 May 2014

EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER:
 


 Number 8

 Life is sexually transmitted.

 
 Number 7

 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 
 Number 6

 Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. They can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

 
 Number 5

 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

 
 Number 4

 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

 
 Number 3

 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 
 Number 2

 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
 
 
 And The Number 1 Thought 

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

 
 - - - and as someone recently said to me:
 
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

67
50 Hot Cross Nuns
Updated: 29 May 2014
Two Scottish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.
 
"Hey, show us yerr tits, ya f**in' penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
 
 
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "F**'aff ya wee wankers, before ah come over there and rip yer
 
f***n' balls aff!"
 
Sister Immaculata smiles sweetly at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"
71
51 Too Rare ?
Updated: 26 May 2014
 
*** The Waiter
 
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say, 'well done'?"
 
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
58
52 No Oil Painting
Updated: 26 May 2014
 
*** The Painting
 
One day, Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business, when they uncovered an unusual painting.
 
At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if one looked closer, one could see that it was a remarkable painting. The tree trunk was actually made of fire, and its branches were made of ice, clouds and earth.
 
"What is it, Holmes?" asked Watson in awe. "It's an Element tree, my dear Watson," replied Holmes.
 
 
61
53 Chicken Farmer
Updated: 23 May 2014

A WOMAN WALKS INTO AN ACCOUNTANT'S OFFICE

AND TELLS HIM THAT SHENEEDS TO FILE HER TAX RETURN

 

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks," What is your occupation?"

 

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let us try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I ' m a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

 

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised 650 cocks last year."

 

"Chicken Farmer it is."

56
54 Mysteries - Mind Exercises -Answers
Updated: 21 May 2014

 ANSWERS:
>
> 1. It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail but there is
> no mail delivery on Sunday.
>
> 2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.
>
> 3. Frost forms inside of the window, not the outside. So Mr. Fiend
> could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Teddy's body

69
55 Mysteries - Mind Exercises
Updated: 21 May 2014

MYSTERIES - Mind exercise

 
 
  
  
 
 
Sharpen your minds and solves these minute cases.
 

 
> Mystery one
>
> A man was found murdered Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these
> answers:
>
> The wife said she was sleeping.
> The cook was preparing breakfast.
> The gardener was gathering vegetables.
> The maid was getting the mail.
> The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.
>
> The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did
> they know?
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>   Mystery two
>
> A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the
> eyes using a real gun with real bullets. He walks out alive, with no
> blood anywhere and no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other crusader wearing a cape.
>
> How did he do this?
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Mystery three
>
> Poor Mr. Teddy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend.
> Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police:
>
> "I was walking by Mr. Teddy's house when I thought I would just pop
> in for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek
> in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward."
>
> The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr.Teddy.
>
> How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?
75
56 The Lemon Squeezer
Updated: 21 May 2014

The Lemon Squeezer

At a bar in London the bartender was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing £1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron.

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.

Over the years, many people had tried,.....

weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, a scrawny little fellow came into the bar,

wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.

He sat down, ordered a glass of beer, & started looking around the bar.

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice:

"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said:

"Ok,..."

He grabbed a lemon and squeezed all the juice he could out of it ..

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence....

as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....

and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his £1000, and then asked:

"Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living?

Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied:

"I work for the Inland Revenue Service."

61
57 Caddy Remarks
Updated: 21 May 2014
TEN BEST CADDY REMARKS:
 
 
  #10
   Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
   Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
  #9
   Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
   Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
   #8
   Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
   Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."
  #7
   Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
   Caddy: "Eventually."
   #6
   Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
   Caddy: "I don't think so. That would be too much of a Coincidence."
   #5
   Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time.  It's too much of a distraction."
   Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
   #4
   Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
   Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."
   #3
   Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
   Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
   #2
   Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
   Caddy: "This isn't the golf course.  We left that an hour ago."
 
   #1 Best Caddy Comment:
   Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
   Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
59
58 The Monday Quiz
Updated: 19 May 2014
QUIZ FOR MY VERY BRIGHT FRIENDS
There are only nine questions. This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight answers..


1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3 Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

 
Answers To Quiz:


1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends:
Boxing.  

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls .. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons:
Asparagus and rhubarb.  

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.  

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw:
Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...  

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh:
Lettuce.  

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

66
59 In Laws ?
Updated: 17 May 2014

The doubtful wife ....

 
 There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.
 
For example....
The wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
 
From under the sheets she sees four legs instead of two.
 
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the sheet as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
 
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
 
"Hi, sweetheart", he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say, Hi?"
61
60 Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder
Updated: 17 May 2014
 
 Post Surgery
 
 A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and
 
 
his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,
'You're beautiful.' 
Then he fell asleep again.
    
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his
side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're
cute.'   
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it
was now 'cute.'
  
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'   

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
65
61 Paratrooper-
Updated: 17 May 2014
*** Paratrooper
 
A young paratrooper went for his first jump from an airplane.  Afterwards, he called his father to tell him the news.  "We got
 
in the plane, and the sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane."
 
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. 
 
"Not yet. The sergeant started to grab the other men, one at a time, and throw them out the door. I was the last man left." 
 
"Did you jump then?" asked the father. 
 
"No, I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and
 
refused to go. Finally he picked up his rifle and said, ‘Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this where the sun don’t shine.' "
 
"So, did you jump?" asked the father. 
 
"Well, a little, at first, but then I got used to it." 
64
62 Ear Popping
Updated: 17 May 2014
*** Air Force Pilot
 
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby
 
began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
 
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
 
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!"
 
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
 
The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum!"
60
63 Lottery Question
Updated: 17 May 2014

 

 

: Lottery Question
 
 
 
At breakfast, the husband says to his wife “What would you do if I won the Lottery?”

“I’d take my half and leave you” she says.

“Great” he says. “Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.

64
64 Just Ralphy
Updated: 17 May 2014
LITTLE
RALPHY ON MATH

 

A teacher asks
her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of
them, how many will be left?'  


 She calls on little
Ralphy.


He replies, 'None, they
will all fly away with the first gunshot.'


 

The teacher replies,
'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

 

 Then little RALPHY says,
'I have a question for YOU.'

 

 There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream:

 

 

 
One is delicately
licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

 

 The third is biting off
the top of the ice cream.
 Which one is married?'

 

 

 
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied,
'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and
sucked the cone.'

 

 To which Little RALPHY
replied, 'The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I
like your thinking.'

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 LITTLE RALPHY ON
MATH

 

 Little RALPHY returns
from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

 

 'Why?' asks the father?

 

 'The teacher asked 'How
much is 2x3,' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

 

 'But that's right!' says
his dad.

 

 'Yeah, but then she
asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

 

 'What's the fucking
difference?' asks the father.

 

 'That's what I said
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

 LITTLE RALPHY ON
GRAMMAR


 

 One day, during lessons
on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

 

 First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful
In it.'

 

 'Very good, Suzie,'
replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

 

 'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned
out beautifully.'

 

 She said, 'Excellent,
Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

 

 'Last night at the
dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant', and he said
'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

 

LITTLE RALPHY ON
GETTING OLDER

 

 

 
Little RALPHY was
sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man
on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't
good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

 

 
Little RALPHY replied,
'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

 

 
The man asked, 'Did your
grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered,
'No, he minded his own fucking business.
 
52
65 Confessions of a 92 yr old
Updated: 17 May 2014

Confession

 
 An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great 
grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish!
 
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'
58
66 Two Whales
Updated: 17 May 2014
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
 
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as
the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that
killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million
pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew
enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors
were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh
no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"
57
67 A Bottle of Blonk ?
Updated: 14 May 2014

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag  and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or  two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'

70
68 Irish Text Message
Updated: 12 May 2014

A Great Irish Text Message

Paddy texts his wife...

"Mary, Im just having one more pint with the lads.
If Im not home in 20 minutes, read this message again.

66
69 Ops
Updated: 11 May 2014
Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.
Theirs will be first on the schedule.
The older boy leans over and asks,
"What are you having done?"
The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid." 
The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about.                 
I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up,
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze." 
The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?" 
The first boy says, "Circumcision."
"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
"Good luck, buddy.  I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
75
70 Buying Online
Updated: 11 May 2014

PLEASE BEWARE!!!!!!!!!

 


Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent $ 295 plus HST on a penis enlarger.

The bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only the instructions were "Do not use in sunlight."

73
71 Missing
Updated: 11 May 2014

Missing

 
 
A distraught husband filed a report on his missing wife:
 
Husband: I lost my wife (Misty), she went shopping yesterday afternoon & still has not come home yet.
 
Inspector: What is her height?
 
Husband: I never noticed.
 
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
 
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
 
Inspector: Color of eyes?
 
Husband: Never noticed.
 
Inspector: Color of hair?
 
Husband: Changes according to the season.
 
Inspector: What was she wearing?
 
Husband: Pant suit or dress..... I don't remember exactly.
 
Inspector: Did she leave in a car?
 
Husband: Yes.
 
Inspector: Tell me the make, model, color and license number of the car ?..
 
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. ….and then the husband started crying...
 
Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car...
81
72 Punography
Updated: 11 May 2014

alt

 
73
73 Jokes - Riddle for Smart People
Updated: 02 May 2014
A RIDDLE FOR SMART PEOPLE
 
Can you answer all seven of the following questions with the same word?
 
1. The word has seven letters.... 
2. Preceded God... 
3. Greater than God... 
4. More Evil than the devil... 
5. All poor people have it... 
6. Wealthy people need it.... 
7. If you eat it, you will eventually die.
 
 
 

Did you figure it out?
Try hard before looking at the answers.
 
 
 
Did you get it yet?
 
 
Give up?
 
 
 

Brace yourself for the answer....
 
 
 
 
 
The Answer is:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
NOTHING!
 
NOTHING has 7 letters. 
NOTHING preceded God. 
NOTHING is greater than God. 
NOTHING is more Evil than the devil. 
All poor people have NOTHING. 
Wealthy people need NOTHING. 
If you eat NOTHING, you will die..
89
74 Jokes - For Senior Citizens
Updated: 02 May 2014

  

Who says senior citizens don't wear stylish clothes.
alt

Gotta love us seniors

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older

person should be put in an old age home?"
 

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the

person to empty the bathtub."
 

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than

the spoon or the teacup.."
 

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON .
 

OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? :
 

MORE BELOW




A short neurological test

1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help. 

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests,
you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist.
Your brain is great and you're far from having a close
relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations! 
Oh. One more test.... 
Find the 44th USA President. 

alt
Well, congratulations, you're not colour blind either!

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
alt
HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

102
75 Jokes- Well Slap Me Down With A Wet One - A Fishy Tail
Updated: 22 Apr 2014

Fish Jokes

Posted  by photosbykev

 

A large collection of Fish jokes gathered from the four corners of the internet.

What do you say to Muppet who travels 100 miles on the whim of his "fancy" to find the Wet Fish Shop Shut  ?-

There is  No Plaice Like Home ?

Noah started building several arks for various parts of animal kingdom. One was a split level job for all the fish – a multi-storey carp ark
What do you call a fish with no eyes?…Fsh
How do fish go into business?…They start on a small scale
A fish swam into a wall and said, “Dam!”
Why are fish so smart?…They are always in schools
Which fish go to heaven when they die?…Angelfish
What bit of fish doesn’t make sense?,..the piece of cod that passeth all understanding
What kind of money do fishermen make?…Net profits
What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird’s leg and a hand?…Birdsthigh fish fingers
Two parrots sitting on a perch…the first one says to the other “can you smell fish?”
What TV game show do fish like best?…Name that tuna
Where do fish wash?…In a river basin
What do you call a literary fish?…Salmon Rushdie
What part of a fish weighs the most?…It’s scales
What fish do road-menders use?…Pneumatic krill
What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?…A fish tank
Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?…Jack the kipper
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?…’Your plaice or mine’
Where does seaweed look for a job?…In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads
Why is a fish easy to weigh?…Because it has its own scales
What’s the difference between a newspaper and a TV set?…You can’t wrap your fish and chips in a TV set
What do naked fish play with?…Bare-a-cudas
Why are fish cleverer than humans?…Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?
What did the fish do when his piano sounded odd?…He called the piano tuna
Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?…Because they have electric ‘eels
What day of the week do fish hate?…Frydays
What was the name of Tom Sawyer’s fish?…Huckleberry Fin
Why are gold fish orange?…The water makes them rusty
What will santa bring your fish this christmas?…A scale letrix
What was the Tsar of Russia’s favorite fish?…Tsardines
The fish cam is looking great http://is.gd/rae9
Isn’t life just a burp?
Have you seen the active volcano yet? http://is.gd/rae9
When the lights goes off the infra red camera kicks in http://is.gd/rae9
The guppies are getting very friendly with each other http://is.gd/rae9
It’s not what you feel that matters, it’s who you touch
Both webcams monitoring the fish are running well http://is.gd/rae9
Burp the Frog :) http://is.gd/rae9
Burpppppppp oops http://is.gd/rae9
Underwater Snail racing, the new Olympic sport http://is.gd/rae9
What did the sardine call the submarine?…A can of people
What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?…You can’t tuna fish
What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?…A beer-a-cuda
Why do penguins eat fish?…Because donuts get soggy before they can catch them.
Where do some of the parts for a fish come from?…Finland
Why did the dog jump into the sea?…He wanted to chase the catfish
Which fish dresses the best?…The Swordfish – It always looks sharp
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?…Monkfish
What kind of fish will help you hear better?…A herring aid
What do romantic fish sing to each other?…Salmon-chanted evening
What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can’t refuse?…The Codfather
Why is a swordfish’s nose 11 inches long?…If it were 12 inches long it would be a foot
Which fish can perform operations?…A Sturgeon
What’s a sea serpent’s favourite meal?…Fish and ships
Where do fish wash?…In a river basin
Why are fish so gullible?…They fall for things hook, line and sinker
Where do little fishes go every morning?…To plaice school
what sea creatures would you bet on in a fight?…Mussels, they always win!
What fish goes up the river at 100mph?…A motor pike
How do you communicate with a fish?…You drop it a line
1st kipper: ‘Smoking’s bad for you’…2nd kipper: ‘It’s OK, I’ve been cured’
What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?…Skate
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?…Drop it a line
What puts white lines on the ocean?…Ocean liners
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?…A seahorse
Where are most fish found?…Between the head and the tail
What do fish sing to each other?…Salmon-chanted evening
What fish sounds like a telephone?…Herring, herring…herring, herring…
How do you tune a fish?…With its scales
What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?…A flat fish
What fish is the most valuable?…A goldfish.
What’s the best way to catch a fish?…Have someone throw it at you.
What sea animal can be adjusted to play music?…The tune-a fish
How did the fish’s tail get stuck in the anchor chain?…It was just a fluke
What is purple and lives in the sea and weighs 5000 pounds?…Moby Plum
Why are manatees so wrinkled?…Did you ever tried to iron one?
Why are fish no good at tennis?…They don’t like to get too close to the net
Why did the optician go ice fishing?…He had perfect ice sight
There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant…Four fish got battered
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?…A nervous wreck
What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head?…Ray
What side of a fish has the most scales?…The outside
How do you post a fish?…You send it COD … or first bass mail
What do you use to cut the ocean?…A seasaw
Where do you go to meet the best fish?…It doesn’t matter – any old plaice will do
What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on?…A Perch
Why should you use six hooks on your fishing line?…eFISHancy
What is a knight’s favourite fish?…A swordfish
What fish is best to have in a boat?…A Sailfish
How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea?…Skates
How does a group of dolphin’s make a decision?…Flipper coin
Why did the dolphin feel crabby?…Because he ate too many crabs
Does a dolphin ever do something by accident?…No, they do everything on porpoise
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show?…Whale of fortune
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?…He prawned everything
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?…Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!
What did Cinderella Dolphin wear to the ball?…Glass flippers
What did the baby dolphin do when he didn’t get his way?…He whale-d
How do the fish get to school?…By octobus
Who held the baby octopus to ransom?…Squidnappers
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus ?…I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand
How does an octopus go to war?…Well-armed
Who robs banks and squirts ink?…Billy the Squid
What fish make the best sandwich?…A peanut butter and jellyfish
What happened to the cold jellyfish?…It set
How can you tell if two octuspus’ are lovers?…They walk arm in arm in arm in arm…
What do you call a neurotic octopus?…A crazy, mixed-up squid
How do you stop a fish from smelling?…Cut its nose off
What is the fastest fish in the sea?…Go-carp
What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?…Show me your mussels
How do you kiss a pike?…Very carefully
What has big sharp teeth, a tail, scales, and a trunk?…A pike going on holiday
Why did the salmon cross the road?…Because it was tied to the chicken
Man: Can I have a fly rod and reel for my son?…Fishing Shop Owner: Sorry sir we don’t do trades
How do I avoid infection from biting insects?…That’s easy – don’t bite them
Where do you find a crab with no legs?…Exactly where you left it
What do you get if you cross a whale with a computer?…A four ton know it all
Why did the fish blush?…Because it saw the sea weed
What should you do if you find a shark in your bed?…Sleep somewhere else
What do you call a Shark with a rocket launcher?…Anything he tells you to
What do you call a deaf pike…Anything you like, he cannot hear you
How do you stick down an envelope under the water?…With a seal
What can fly under the water?…A bluebottle in a submarine
What do you give a seasick whale?…Lots of room
Mother: Have you given the fish fresh water today?…Son: No, they haven’t drank yesterdays
What whizzes along a riverbed on three wheels?…A motor-Pike and a side-Carp
Where do fish keep their money?…In the river bank
how many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?…Fish
Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says “You drive, I’ll man the guns!”
What is the fastest fish in the sea?…The one that got away
Why did the plaice go to the doctor?…Because he was feeling a bit flat!
What do you call someone who is good at catching fish?…Annette
Why did the fish cross the road?…It was the chicken’s day off
What is an eel’s favorite dance?…The conger
Why couldn’t the clownfish afford a house?…Because he didn’t have anemone
Where do fish go to borrow money?…A loan shark
Where do fish put their rubbish?…In a Whaleie bin
Where do baby fish go every morning?…To plaiceschool
What does a fish wrap round its shoulders to keep warm?…A shoal
What happens to sleepy fish at the edge of a reef?…They drop off
Which sea creatures come calling at Christmas?…Coral singers
Which fish can perform operations?…A sturgeon
What games do fish like playing the most?…Bass the parcel, Name that tuna, and Tide and seek
Why do fish like arcade games?…Because they are finball wizards
What do you call a fish with two eyes?…FIISH
Why is a fishmonger never generous?…Because his business makes him sell-fish
John asks the angler: Is this river any good for fish?…Angler: It must be. I cannot get any of them to leave it
What is a mermaid?…A deep-she fish
What do you get if you cross a whale with rotten fish?…Moby Sick
What does a diver get paid if he works extra hours?…Undertime
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?…To the prawn broker
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?…He prawned everything
Why did the whale cross the road?…To get to the other tide
Who has eight guns and terrorises the ocean?…Billy the Squid
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?…A blue whale
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?…On squid row
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?…Monkfish
Why are gold fish orange?…The water makes them rusty
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?…’Your plaice or mine’
Where do you weigh whales?…At a whale weigh station
What do you get is you cross a rose with a pike?…I don’t know but I wouldn’t put my nose too close to smell it
What has big sharp teeth, a tail, scales, and a trunk?…A pike going on holiday
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?…Because they dropped out of school
Oh cod, I can’t take any more of these fish puns, I’m outta this plaice!
Why are Sardines the stupidest fish ever?…They climb into tins – Close the Lid – And then leave the Key on the OUTSIDE!
Where do fish stay on a campsite?…In tentacles
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other “Its a bit wet in here”, the other says, “Blimey, a talking fish!”
Why do fish like arcade games?…Because they are finball wizards
Which fish likes to see fast and cool cars?…The tunafish
Why was the bluefish blue?…Because the blowfish wouldn’t
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?…On squid row
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?…Monkfish
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?…He got lockjaw
What happens when sharks take their clothes off?…They go sharkers
Why didn’t the lobster share his toys?…He was too shellfish
Two fish swimming down a river and one hits a cement block. He turns around and says “Oh..Damn!”
What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?…It gets wet
What happens when you throw a red rock into the Black Sea?…It sinks to the bottom
What happens when you cross a great white shark with a cow?…I don’t know but I wouldn’t want to milk it
What’s green and squishy and spends a lot of time underwater?…An avocado with an aqua lung
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean?…Nothing,it just waved
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?…A good start
What does stuck seaweed say?…”Kelp!, Kelp!”
What do fish use to make telephone calls?…a Shell phone
What do you find on a small beach?…Micro waves
Is it dangerous to swim on a full stomach?…Yes. It’s better to swim in water
What does a frog order at McDonalds?…Fries and a diet croak
How deep is a frog pond?… Kneedeep, kneedeep
Why are frogs so happy?…They eat whatever bugs them
What does a frog wear on St. Patrick’s day?…Nothing
What did the frog dress up for on Halloween?…A prince
How many frogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?…One frog and 37 light bulbs, slippery hands, ya know
Whats the preferred car of frogs?…The Beetle
What’s green and jumps?…A frog!! (groan!)
What’s green and red?…A very mad frog
What’s green with red spots?…A frog with the chicken pox
What’s green with bumps?…A frog with the measles
What’s black and white and green?…A frog sitting on a newspaper
What’s green and dangerous?…A frog with a hand-grenade
What’s white on the outside, and green on the inside?…A frog sandwich
What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog?…Hop in
What happens when two frogs collide?…They get tongue tied
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?…Open toad
What do frogs do with paper?…Rip-it
What is the first book a tadpole reads?…The Egg and I
How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?…Unhoppy
What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?…A rubbit
Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?…He liked a good croak and dagger
What happened to the frog’s car when his parking meter expired?…It got toad
What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again?…A dirty double-crosser
What’s green green green green green?…a frog rolling down a hill
What is a frogs favorite time?…Leap Year
Why did the frog go to the mall?…Because he wanted to go hopping
Why did the frog walk across the road?…He didn’t… he jumped
Why did the frog cross the street?…because the chicken crossed the road
Why did the frog cross the road?…to see what the chicken was doing
Why did the frog cross the road?…Some mean little kid super-glued it to the chicken
Why did the frog stay in the middle of the road?…He ran after a fly and was hit by a car
Why did the frog cross the road?…If a chicken can do it so could he
How can you tell if a frog doesn’t have ears?…You yell “Free Flies” and he doesn’t come
How do you confuse a frog?…Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner
How does a frog confuse you?…When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better
What did the frog say to the fly?…You are really starting to bug me
What does a frog say when it sees something great?…Toadly awesome
What did one frog say to another?…You’re such a WART
Why did the frog croak?…Because he ate a poisonous fly
What is a frog’s favorite game?…Croaket
What does a Romulan frog use for camoflage?…A croaking device
What happened to the cat and frog when they got run over?…The cat had nine lives, the frog just croaked
Why did the frog say meow?…He was learning a foreign language
Why did the frog go to the hospital?…He needed a “hopperation”
What is the thirstiest frog in the world?…The one who drinks Canada Dry
What’s red and green and goes 175 miles an hour?…A frog in a blender
What do you get if you add milk?…Frog nog
What happens if you drink frog nog?…You Croak
What do ya call a frog’s favorite soda?…Croaka-Cola!
Why did the motorcycle rider buy a pet frog?…To pick the flies out from between his teeth
“Waiter… Waiter… Do you have frog legs?”…- “No!… I always walk this way!”
How deep can a frog go?…Knee-deep Knee-deep
What do stylish frogs wear?…Jumpsuits
What does a bankrupt frog say?…”Baroke, baroke, baroke.”
What has more lives that a cat?…A frog that croaks every night
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?…He wanted to robbit
How can you tell a frog doesn’t have ears?…They don’t move when a car is coming toward them
What did the frog do after it heard a funny joke?…It started to croak up
Why did the gag-writer turn green?…because the gag-writer was sick of writing frog jokes
Why don’t fish make very good tennis balls?…They keep getting caught in the net
If you know of any more Fish jokes please forward them to me.

166
76 Jokes - Timbuktu XXX
Updated: 21 Apr 2014
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists:
A Yale graduate, and a Newfoundlander.
 
 
They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word.
 
 
 
The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.
 
The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:          
 
 
'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.
 
The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they thought.
 
The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
 
'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU '!
 
The Newfie won hands down.
134
77 Jokes-Happy Easter
Updated: 21 Apr 2014
Subject: Fw: HAPPY EASTER
To:

 
 
HAPPY EASTER
 Your first Easter email
  
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car
and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the
two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves
again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again
and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says..

("Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!! !
113
78 Definition of a Dilemma
Updated: 18 Apr 2014
Definition of Dilemma
 
A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, “WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?"
 
THE PROFESSOR SAID, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT".

 
"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL AROUSED NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE
AND AN EXCITED GAY MAN ON THE OTHER".

 
"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"
107
79 Politics is an Art or ...
Updated: 17 Apr 2014
Food for thought, looks like nothing has changed since the Greeks! 
 
 
Ealt
 
 
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes
from the poor and campaign funds from the rich,
by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Am ringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
 
I offered my opponents a deal:
"if they stop telling lies about me,
I will stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..
 
A politician is a fellow who will lay down
your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
 
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious
a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
 
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city,
it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)
 
We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author 

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over.
They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
 
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become PM;
I'm beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
 
Politicians are people who,
when they see light at the end of the tunnel, 
go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer
 
What happens if a politician drowns in a river?
It's pollution.
What happens if all of them drown?
It's solution ....!!!
135
80 A Supercilious Twerp
Updated: 16 Apr 2014

Mysterious Black Circle Sighted Floating Over David Cameron’s Head

15 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by in pettiness

Tags

,

(satire?)

Weather experts are baffled by the appearance of a black ring in the sky above David Cameron’s head on Monday evening.

cameron halo

Schoolgirl Georgina Heap was playing tennis with her mother Jo Heap when she saw the mysterious black ring in the sky above the Prime Minister’s head.

The halo remained in the sky for around three minutes before disappearing completely.

So far, experts have been unable to offer any explanation for the unusual sighting but an expert on UFOs, unexplained phenomena and other b*ll*cks from the Daily Express described the halo as ‘definitive proof” the prime minister is continuing Jesus’s work.

Other experts however have pointed out that genuine halos are usually white, silver or gold in colour and if the mysterious circle is evidence of divine intervention, it’s probably more a warning that if the prime minister doesn’t change direction quickly he’s going to be spending a very long time indeed having his balls roasted like marshmallows on demonic fires of Hell until they’re ready to pop.

110
81 Jokes - Male Fairy Tail
Updated: 16 Apr 2014
 A MALE FAIRY TALE
 
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, 

"Will you marry me?"

The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished 
and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching 
and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and 
kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell, 
and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.


The End.

Told you it was a Fairy Tale
103
82 Jokes-The F Word
Updated: 15 Apr 2014
Nudist colony
 

A retired man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.... 

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around . 
 
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. 

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?' 

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an
 
erection, it implies you called for me.' 

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel,
 
eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. 

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and,
 
as he sits down, he farts... 

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him,
 
'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man. 

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer. 

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that
 
you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a
 
bench and has his way with him. 

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
 
smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. 

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you
 
can keep the $500 membership fee.' 

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had
 
the chance to see all our facilities.' 

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection
 
once a month. I fart 1 5  times a day!!'
115
83 Jokes- Moped V Ferrari
Updated: 15 Apr 2014

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,  'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars! ''That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?''Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?''No problem,' replies the doctor.So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.


Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show
The old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
The speedometer reads 160 mph.Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.

It seems to be getting closer!He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !Something whips by him going much faster!'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.He presses harder on the accelerator
And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'The old man whispers,


'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'

124
84 Jokes-Hot & Cold Sex
Updated: 15 Apr 2014

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man Jim: "You appear to be
in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me
about?"

 
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am
usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second
time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
 
Later, after examining his elderly wife Sandee, the doctor said:
"Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?"
 
She replied that she had no questions or concerns.
 
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
 
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in January and the second time is in August."
 
 
 
102
85 Jokes-Smile please
Updated: 14 Apr 2014
I was walking down The Mall with a friend yesterday when he turned to me and said, "Seeing all those flags on display makes me so proud of my country."
 
"But Chan, you're Chinese", I replied, "All those flags are Canadian".
 
"No they're not", he laughed, "Just take a look at the labels".
 
 
 
*** Baptism
 
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five-year-old daughter.  As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
 
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five-year-old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
 
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked with all the innocence of a five-year-old, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"
 
 
 
 
*** Last Words
 
 
Two husbands, Jon and Keith, were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
 
Then Keith said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."
 
"Wow!" said Jon, "How do you manage that?"
 
"It's easy," replied Keith, "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"
 
P.S.  Remember, anything said after the end of an argument is  merely the start of a new argument!
 
 
  
 
*** Sleeping
 
 
After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.
 
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
 
He awoke with a start and said, "Who's winning?"
 
 
*** Previous Job
 
 
Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me.
 
Under "Previous Employment" she wrote, "Baby sitting."
 
In answer to "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "Parents came home."
93
86 The Opium of the People
Updated: 11 Apr 2014

A girl brings her boyfriend home to meet her parents.

After dinner, her mother tells her father, a business tycoon,
to find out about the young man.

He invites the boy to join him for green tea in his study.


"So what are your plans?" the father asks the boy.


"I am a religious scholar and want to marry your daughter,"
he replies.


"A scholar," the father says.

"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for
my daughter to live in and to which she is accustomed?"


"I will study," the young man replies,

"and God will provide for us."


"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring,

such as she deserves?" asks the father.


"I will concentrate on my studies,"

 the young man replies, "God will provide for us."


"And children?" asks the father.

"How will you support children?"


"Don't worry sir, God will provide," replies the boy.


The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father

questions him, the boy insists that God will provide.


Later, the mother asks, "Well, how did it go?"


The father answers, "He has no job and no plans,

but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."

97
87 A Marriage Made in Heaven
Updated: 11 Apr 2014

On the way to get married a young Catholic couple was involved in a

fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting

for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder;

Could they possibly get married in Heaven? 

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "I don't know.

This is the first time anyone has asked.

Let me go find out," and he left. 

The couple sat and waited for an answer....

For a couple of months.While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.

If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get

married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed.

St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple.

"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted.

"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?”

100
88 Men Never Listen
Updated: 11 Apr 2014

men never listen



In a Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's
restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his
predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to
touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as
he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button
was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP20 and a red one labelled ATR.
Who
would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm
water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA
button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed
his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable
pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender
loving
pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he
couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme
ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last
thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an
Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.."
MEN
NEVER LISTEN !!

111
89 Definitions
Updated: 07 Apr 2014
Medical Term
 
Irish Definition
Artery
-
The study of paintings
Bacteria
-
Back door to cafeteria
Barium
-
What doctors do when patients die
Benign
-
What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section
-
A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan
-
Searching for Kitty
Cauterize
-
Made eye contact with her
Colic
-
A sheep dog
Coma
-
A punctuation mark
Dilate
-
To live long
Enema
-
Unfriendly female
Fester
-
Quicker than someone else
Fibula
-
A small lie
Impotent
-
Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain
-
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
-
A Doctor's cane
Morbid
-
A higher offer
Nitrates
-
Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node
-
I knew it
Outpatient
-
A person who has fainted
Pelvis
-
Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative
-
A letter carrier
Recovery Room
-
Place to do upholstery
Rectum
-
Nearly killed him
Secretion
-
Hiding something
Seizure
-
Roman Emperor
Tablet
-
A small table
Terminal Illness
-
Getting sick at the airport
Tumor
-
One plus one more
Urine
-
Opposite of you're out
119
90 Thumbs Up ?
Updated: 06 Apr 2014

It takes  your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.


One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as  the brain.

Your body  uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are  standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste  it.

Women
will be finished reading this by now.


Men
are still busy checking their  thumbs.

114
91 Women
Updated: 06 Apr 2014

Quote of the day: 

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house,

she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. 

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

97
92 Oh Paula
Updated: 06 Apr 2014
Husband's Message (by cellphone):
 
"Honey, a car has hit me near the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury, but I do have three broken ribs,
a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot."
 
Wife's Response:
 
"Who the hell is Paula??"
124
93 Jokes- Dating for Seniors
Updated: 05 Apr 2014
 
Dating for Seniors
 
These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried 4th husband,
Looking for someone to round out a 6-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my 8-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
let's put our two heads together.
----------------------------------------------------
My favorite…

MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
108
94 Jokes-Sister Mary
Updated: 05 Apr 2014
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence.
 
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome to stay here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.'
 
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'
 
Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
 
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
 
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. You may say another two words.
 
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
 
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'
 
'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
 
'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but complain since you got here.
105
95 "Dinna laugh, dinna smile. Hunt the gowk another mile"
Updated: 01 Apr 2014

Gowk Day ("gowk" is Scots for a cuckoo or a foolish person),

although this name has fallen into disuse.

The traditional prank is to ask someone to deliver a sealed message requesting help of some sort.

In fact, the message reads "Dinna laugh, dinna smile. Hunt the gowk another mile".

The recipient, upon reading it, will explain he can only help if he first contacts another person, and sends the victim to this

person with an identical message, with the same result.

117
96 Children Are Quick
Updated: 31 Mar 2014

Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
 
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off

89
97 Jokes- Blondes or Collars and Cuffs
Updated: 31 Mar 2014

Description: cid:4D896BE7-2119-4EC6-8905-7E2F716394A5

 

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland .

They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said

Disneyland LEFT.

They started crying and turned around and went home.


FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,

and one blonde says to the other,

'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo,

can you see Florida ?????'


CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely

if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today

you expect me to show it to you!'


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk.

She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank

'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,

'You ARE on the other side.'


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and

said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,

then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said,

'Your finger is broken.'


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car,

he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,

the trooper cranked down his window,

turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what?

We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other

and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot!

You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied,

'We're not stupid, you know.

We're going at night!'


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...

It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was,

'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked,

'Is it on or off?'


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE
TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!


A girl was visiting her blonde friend,

who had acquired two new dogs,

and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that

one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde.

'They're watch dogs'!

124
98 Jokes - Einstein on Technology
Updated: 24 Mar 2014
The day that Albert Einstein most feared may have finally arrived..
[]
A day at the beach.

 

 
[]
Cheering on your team.

 

 
[]
Having dinner out with your friends.

 

 
[]
Out on an intimate date.

 

 
[]
Having a conversation with your BFF

 

 
[]
A visit to the museum

 

 
[]
Enjoying the sights

 

 

 
[]
------------------------------------------------------------
It’s here.
 
 
 
101
99 Jokes - Food Warning
Updated: 24 Mar 2014

Food Warning

 
 
If you receive an email from the

Department of Health

telling you not to eat tinned pork

because of  swine flu..............

Ignore it.   

It's just spam

96
100 Jokes- He said to Me
Updated: 21 Mar 2014


> > He said to me...I don't know why you wear a
> > bra; you've got nothing to put in it.  I said to
> > him...You wear pants don't you?
> >  

> > He said to me...Shall we try swapping positions
> > tonight?
> > I said...That's a good idea - you stand by
> > the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and
> > fart.
> >
> >
> > He said to me...What have you been doing with all
> > the grocery money I gave you?  I said to him...Turn
> > sideways and look in the mirror!
> >
> >
> > He said to me...Why don't women blink during
> > foreplay?  I said to him...They don't have
> > time.
> >
> > He said to me...How many men does it take to
> > change a roll of toilet paper?  I said to him...I
> > don't know; it has never
> > happened.
> >
> > He said to me...Why is it difficult to find men
> > who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?  I said to
> > him...They already have
> > boyfriends.
> >
> > He said...What do you call a woman who knows
> > where her husband is every night?  I said...A
> > widow.
> >
> > He said to me...Why
> > are married women heavier
> > than single women?  I said to
> > him...Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
> > and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
> > bed and go to the fridge.

121
101 Jokes- No Four play
Updated: 13 Mar 2014

A man, getting along in
years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to
his doctor who tries a few things, but
nothing seems to work Finally,
as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man....
The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.'
With that said, he throws a
white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue
smoke. Then he says, 'This is powerful healing
But you can only use it
once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as
long as you wish!'

The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over,
and I don't want to continue?'

The medicine man replies, 'When your
partner can take no more sex all She has to say is '1234', and it will
then go down.

But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for
another year.'

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new
powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in
aftershave.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says '123'
and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the
medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say
'123 for?"

122
102 Jokes- Power Off
Updated: 10 Mar 2014

We had a power outage today and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & surround sound music system were all shut down.

 

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat; to top it off it was snowing outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

 

She seems like a nice person.

108
103 Jokes- Old Boys Network
Updated: 10 Mar 2014
 Business Transactions

Moishe (the father) says to his son: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
The son says: "I will choose my own bride."
Moishe says: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."
The son answers: "Well, in that case, yes, OK."

Moishe then approaches Bill Gates and says: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates answers: "But my daughter is too young to get married!"
Moishe says: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates answers: "Ah, in that case, yes, OK."

Finally, Moishe goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Moishe says: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
The president answers: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Moishe says: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."
The President answers: "Ah, in that case, yes, OK."

And that is how successful people do business!
112
104 Jokes-Word Games
Updated: 10 Mar 2014
 
 
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical aleutian . 

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still. 

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it. 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 

17. A backward poet writes inverse. 

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine . 

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!' 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own 

27. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

110
105 Jokes- A Rye ?
Updated: 07 Mar 2014

age gracefully

 
 
 
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina
and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It
keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed a help. He said, "Do you have any rye
bread?" "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff but me."
116
106 Jokes - Medical Alert
Updated: 05 Mar 2014


MEDICAL UPDATE
 

Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion! It is good to know.

MEDICAL ALERT

Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving

chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better..

Just thought you'd like to know.

Only EGGS ?

BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,

FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

Okay, I'll be going to my room now.

106
107 Jokes -Violence Solving !
Updated: 05 Mar 2014

"It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to

solve problems without using violence."

109
108 Jokes - Fat or Fit Women
Updated: 05 Mar 2014

A new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live
 

longer than do the men who mention it*

107
109 Jokes- 5 Riddles
Updated: 02 Mar 2014

The 5 Riddles

 
 
SHARPEN THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN
AND STALL ALZHEIMER'S FOR YEARS ….
 
 
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
 
 
- / -
 
 
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
 
 
- / -
 
 
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away ?
 
 
- / -
 
 
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
 
 
- / -
 
 
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
 
 
 
 
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Answers:
 
 
 
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?
 
 
 
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
 
 
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
 
 
 
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
 
 
 
5. The letter "e" which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
121
110 Jokes- Bumper Stickers ?
Updated: 02 Mar 2014

 

Bumper Stickers I'd Like to See

 

1. Jesus loves you. . . everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

2. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

3. The proctologist called, they found your head.

4. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

5. Save Your Breath. . . You'll need it to blow up your date!

6. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

7. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

8. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

9. Hang up and drive.

10. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

11. Heart Attacks. . . God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

13. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.

14. Some people just don't know how to drive.
I call these people "Everybody But Me. "

15. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

16. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

105
111 Jokes- Welfare or Wot
Updated: 02 Mar 2014

 


A WOMAN WALKS INTO THE DOWNTOWN WELFARE OFFICE, TRAILED BY 15 KIDS. 'WOW,' THE SOCIAL WORKER
EXCLAIMS, 'ARE THEY ALL YOURS?'

'YEP, THEY'RE ALL MINE,' THE FLUSTERED MOMMA SIGHS, HAVING HEARD THAT QUESTION A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE. SHE SAYS, 'SIT DOWN TERRY.' ALL THE CHILDREN RUSH TO
FIND SEATS.

'WELL,' SAYS THE SOCIAL WORKER, 'THEN YOU MUST BE HERE TO SIGN UP. I'LL NEED ALL YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES.'

''WELL, TO KEEP IT SIMPLE, THE BOYS ARE ALL NAMED TERRY AND THE GIRLS ARE ALL NAMED TERRI."

IN DISBELIEF, THE CASE WORKER SAYS, 'ARE YOU SERIOUS? THEY'RE ALL NAMED TERRY?'

THEIR MOMMA REPLIED, 'WELL, YES - IT MAKES IT EASIER. WHEN IT'S TIME TO GET THEM OUT OF BED AND READY FOR SCHOOL , I YELL, TERRY! AND WHEN IT'S TIME FOR DINNER, I JUST YELL TERRY! AND THEY ALL COME A RUNNING. AND IF I NEED TO STOP THE KID WHO'S RUNNING INTO THE STREET, I JUST YELL TERRY AND ALL OF THEM STOP. IT'S THE SMARTEST IDEA I EVER HAD, NAMING THEM ALL TERRY.'

THE SOCIAL WORKER THINKS THIS OVER FOR A BIT, THEN WRINKLES HER FOREHEAD AND SAYS TENTATIVELY, 'BUT WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT ONE KID TO COME, AND NOT THE WHOLE
BUNCH?'

'THEN I CALL THEM BY THEIR LAST NAMES.'
106
112 Jokes- Sheep Escaping ?
Updated: 27 Feb 2014
Driving Reaction Time for Older People ~~~~
 
I know all of you are very good drivers, so here is a fun test to see how good your speed is!
 
The automobile driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is .75 seconds or 1 car length for every 10 mph.
 
Test your average reaction time. Be careful, this can be addictive! You will be surprised at how slow you really are.
 
JUST CLICK ON THE DART WHEN THE SHEEP STARTS TO RUN ..... THERE ARE 5 SHEEP
 
 
Click here: Reaction Test
119
113 Jokes- Damned Spell Check
Updated: 23 Feb 2014

Damned spell-check

Todd sent a text message to his neighbor.

It read, "I am so sorry, Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to
confess. I have been tapping your wife, night and day when you're not
around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting it at home, but that's no
excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went to his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in from Todd:

"Damn autocorrect, Bob. I meant 'wifi', not 'wife'. LOL"

262
114 Jokes- The Randy Rancher
Updated: 21 Feb 2014

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.


Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys.

99
115 Jokes- Doctor Doctor
Updated: 21 Feb 2014

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.

~~~~~

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years ..

Before he realized she was Chinese.

~~~~~

Another time, he gave a patient six months to live.

At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,

So, the doctor gave him another six months.

~~~~~

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,

"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."

The doctor said,

"Tell him I can't see him."

~~~~~

Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,

"Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!"

The doctor calmly replied, "Well let's just wait and see what develops."

~~~~~

One patient came in and said,

"Doctor, I have a serious memory problem"

The doctor asked, "When did it start?"

The man replied,

"When did what start?"

~~~~~

I remember one time I told my doctor

I had a ringing in my ears.

His advice:

"Don't answer it."

~~~~~

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.

One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."

The doctor gave him some pills and said,

"Here, take these -

If they don't work, give me a ring."

~~~~~

Another guy told the doctor that he thought

he was a deck of cards

The doctor simply said,

" Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."

~~~~~

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,

He told me to stop going to those places.

~~~~~

You know, doctors can be so frustrating.

You wait a month and a half for an appointment,

Then he says,

"I wish you had come to me sooner."

93
116 Jokes- A Pair of Gloves
Updated: 19 Feb 2014

Daily Smile - Valentine's Friday


 
*** A Pair of Gloves
 
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.
 
The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.  The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:
 
"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
 
"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.  I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
 
“When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.  Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.
 
Love, Cuddle Bear
 
P.S.. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.
123
117 Jokes- A Shaggy Duck Story
Updated: 19 Feb 2014

  SHAGGY DUCK
 
A city slicker went duck hunting down south on a friend’s property, but the first duck he shot fell across the fence line onto the neighbor’s property. Looking around, he saw no one else near so he hopped the fence to retrieve the duck. As he headed back for the fence, the very old neighbor races up in an old pickup truck and asked him what he was doing with “his” duck. The city guy says, “I shot him but he fell over here on your property, so I was just retrieving it.” “Well that makes it my duck,” the old man says. “But since you insist on that being yours, we’ll just settle this the old country way – we’ll fight for it.” The younger, stronger, and bigger city fella figures he can easily take the frail older man, so he agrees. But we gotta fight by country rules,” the old man says.
“I get the first three hits,” he says, “and the first one to quit loses the duck. ok?” The younger man figures he can absorb three hits from the old guy first, so he agrees.Before he can even set the duck or his shotgun down, the old man runs up and kicks the younger man in the groin with his heavy work boots. As he doubles over in excruciating  pain, the old man kicks the guy in the side of the head, knocking out two teeth. Once the younger man falls to the ground, the old man kicks him in the ribs and the young man spits out blood and winces as he tried to breathe in. Staggering to his feet, bloodied, breathless, and missing two teeth, the younger man smiles slowly as he plans his first hit on the old guy. “You’re in for it now, old man,” he rasps over the gaps in his teeth. The old man slowly backs away and smiles as he says, “Nope, I quit – you can have the duck!!
139
118 Jokes- The Pulpit
Updated: 17 Feb 2014
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
 
 
 
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
 
 
 
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
 
 
 
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
 
 
 
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
 
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
 
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
 
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
 
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
 
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
 
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
 
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
 
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
 
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
 
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
 
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
 
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
 
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 
 
 
The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.
 
 
 
Do not keep this letter. Do not send money just forward it to twelve of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh. You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken
138
119 Jokes- Blind Mans Golf
Updated: 14 Feb 2014
Empathy of a Scotsman! 

                                                                           
 
A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Doctor shouted to them, "I've  never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen  minutes!"

The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."

The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the green-keeper  replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters.   They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."

The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.

Then the Priest said, 
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Doctor  said, 
"Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."

The Businessman replied, 
"I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave  souls."

And the Scotsman said,   
"Why kin they no play at night?

144
120 Joke - Nice Bag
Updated: 11 Feb 2014

                            click here Nice Purse 

     

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289
121 Joke -Female Medical
Updated: 11 Feb 2014

-----

Subject: Fwd: Female medical

                                During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-

                                 "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

                                Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

                               The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

                               "No! No!  Leave your knickers on .... Just stick out your tongue!"

145
122 Jokes-Husbands and Wives in Store
Updated: 10 Feb 2014

Husband Store
 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love children.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

138
123 Jokes- Only Five ?
Updated: 10 Feb 2014
 
*** Faith in the Sandpit
 
David and Sean, both five years old, were neighbours and friends. David was Jewish and Sean, Catholic and they often spoke of the differences between their faiths.
 
One day, David and Sean were playing at the park in the sandpit. Sean turns to David and says, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!"
 
To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything.”
136
124 Jokes- Boots are made for Walking
Updated: 10 Feb 2014

Are the Legends True??
 
A Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'

'Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.'

139
125 Jokes- Snotty Receptionists
Updated: 10 Feb 2014

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

Description: graphic
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist
who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients. 
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that
the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman
who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE.
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR
ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE
ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR
THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause.
 
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS
152
126 Joke-In a Pickle ?
Updated: 08 Feb 2014

>Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory.  For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
>
> Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.  After six months, the therapist gave up.  He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
>
> The next day he came home from work very early.  His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.  Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.  He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
>
> Mary gasped and ran over to her husband.  She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.  She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?" Mickey replied, "I think she got fired, too."

153
127 Jokes - Mental Health Day - Or an Analogy of the Corridors of Power ?
Updated: 08 Feb 2014
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. 
 
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,   Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
 
 
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
 
 
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
 
 
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. 
The good news is you're being discharged,   since you were able to respond rationally  to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love....  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
 
 
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. 
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
 
 
Edna replied, 
'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry !  
How soon can I go home?'
 
 
 
 
 
Happy Mental Health Day!
 
 
…..
128
128 Jokes- An Aussie Lady
Updated: 08 Feb 2014

An Aussie lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged
me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
149
129 Jokes- Funnies ?
Updated: 03 Feb 2014

     I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. 
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two  days.” 
I  told him, “I wish, I had your will power!” 

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. 
She said, “Sorry  about the wait.” 
I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually.”
 



Snow in the forecast! 
The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
 
I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"


An  Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
 
A man asks him,“What's wrong?” 
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.  
“Oh bejaysus,"the man says. 
“Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?” 
The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

  1. hate all this terrorist business. 
    I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus,
     

    and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!" 

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. 
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, “Where am I ?” 
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."


A  woman has a medical at the doctors. 
“You are grossly overweight,” he says. 
”I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims.
 

” OK. You're bloody ugly as well.”

156
130 Jokes-A Golfing One that's Not Very Funny
Updated: 03 Feb 2014

LITTLE OLD LADY AND HER GARBAGE BAGS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to a golf course.

A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.

 

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it'?

So, now I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

 

Every time some guy sticks his thingy through my fence I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK, good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

LITTLE OLD LADY AND HER GARBAGE BAGS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to a golf course.

A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.

 

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it'?

So, now I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

 

Every time some guy sticks his thingy through my fence I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK, good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

163
131 Jokes - Father & Son
Updated: 03 Feb 2014

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back

of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters ...... he didn't like it - I had it.
 

Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
 

It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
 

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.

194
132 Jokes-Golden Oldies
Updated: 03 Feb 2014

TO SHARE WITH OLD FOLKS YOU MAY KNOW ........

 

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
And orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink
The woman to her right says
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says
'Thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink,
The man to her left says
'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says
'Thank you.
Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink,he says
'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies
'Sonny, when you're my age,
You've learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says
'Let's go upstairs and make love'
And you answer:
'Pick one, I can't do both!'
 

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot!
 

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ....
And your pacemaker opens the garage door!

Birthday                                                            cake

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes
.. Just as long as you don't have to go along.
 

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down
By the doctor instead of by the police
 

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
.. In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.
 
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You are not sure these are jokes! 
 
202
133 Jokes -Bar Talk
Updated: 03 Feb 2014

 

: OVERHEARD IN BAR   

  I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their

mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and

I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."


  A fellow about my age (70), sitting a couple of stools

down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked

over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that!"

193
134 Jokes- I-L-Y
Updated: 03 Feb 2014
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:

"I love you, sweetheart." 
Then, the women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:


I think some are hilarious...if you have been married for quite a while, a sign of true love...
Like who else would you reply to in such a succinct and honest way.

 
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f*ck did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she???
155
135 Jokes - Baby Talk
Updated: 03 Feb 2014

alt

149
136 Jokes- For Lateral Thinkers
Updated: 02 Feb 2014

For those lateral thinkers...

 


A Quiz….
 
 
 
It's a logic answer so try and figure it out.


Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.

 Try to come up with the answer on your own.

 However, the answer is at the bottom for those

 who are unable to think this one through.

 
 
 Here's the riddle:

 
 
 At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

 
 One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

 
 The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

 
 
 
 
 
 
They are both thinking the exact same thing.

 
 
 What are they both thinking?

 
 
 
 . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . .

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..

 . . . . . . . . . . . . ..

 .  . . . . . . . . . . .

 . . . . . . . . . .

 . . . . . . . . .

 . . . . . . . .

 . . . . . . .

 . . . . . .

 . . . . .

 . . . .

 . . .

 . .

 .

 
 
 
 
DON’T LOOK DOWN  !!!!!

148
137 Jokes- Blonde ?
Updated: 31 Jan 2014

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

 
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
 
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.  Shepushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
 
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
 
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
 
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
143
138 Jokes - Cross Words
Updated: 29 Jan 2014

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

 

"WOW, great!", he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a great place to be today."

 

Just before the aircraft doors are closed, the Pope enters the plane, and to the guy's delight, sits next to him.  “I am surely blessed”, the man thinks. 

  
Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight,
 with the Pope sitting next to me. The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.  The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. “Marvellous”, he thinks, “not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I”.
 

He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that His Holiness is tapping his pencil, thinking.  After a little while of pencil taping, the Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
 
"Anything Your Holiness.. What is it?"
 
"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"
 
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."
 
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

 
156
139 Jokes- Mick-No offence intended
Updated: 24 Jan 2014
 
Mick had applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. 
 
A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants hadsimilar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.
When the results were in,both men had scored 19 out of 20.
 
The manager went to Mick and said,"Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."
 
Mick, "And why wouldyou be doing that?" 
"We both got19 questions correct."
 
"This being Ireland and mebeing Irish surely Ishould get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, buton the question you got wrong."
 
Mick, "And just how would oneincorrect answer be better than another?"
 
Manager, "Simple. Onquestion number 7 the Polewrote down, 'I don’t know.'
 
You putdown,
 
‘Neither do I.’
127
140 Jokes - Women !
Updated: 24 Jan 2014

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together..

Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.?

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

Dumas

What does a man want, ask his wife

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

I know some verbose men, just saying

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.?? It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.?

The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming?

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,?

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash

You know what I did before I married??

Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.?

Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.?

They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'?

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous

Naturally – None of this applies to my wife!

(Just in case she gets this email by mistake)

198
141 Jokes- Poker Faced ?
Updated: 24 Jan 2014

PLAYING POKER

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $200.' After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200 - they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $200?' Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200. Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.' Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

 

135
142 Jokes - How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
Updated: 23 Jan 2014

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly 


This is the cleanest E-mail sex joke 
I've come across in a long while!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter 

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh!  Killing any?" 
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 


Intrigued, she asked.  
"How can you tell them apart?"  

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,  
2 were on the phone."

128
143 Jokes- Toilets of the World
Updated: 23 Jan 2014

How well do you know the toilets of the world? Try to guess from the 3 country choices.

136
144 Jokes- 4 Questions
Updated: 22 Jan 2014
There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.







 










The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.






2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?



















Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..













3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend ..... except one. Which animal does not attend?






















Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory ... Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.







4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, 
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?















Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.
136
145 Jokes- Why I am Divorced
Updated: 22 Jan 2014
Why I am Divorced.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. 

I went downstairs for breakfast 
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 
'Happy Birthday!', 
and possibly have a small present for me. 

As it turned out, 
he barely said good morning, 
let alone ' Happy Birthday.' 

I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, 
but the kids.... they will remember. 

My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.. 

So when I left for the office, 
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. 

As I walked into my office, 
my handsome Boss Rick, said, 
'Good Morning, lady, 
and by the way 
Happy Birthday! ' 

It felt a little better 
that at least someone had remembered. 

I worked until one o'clock , 
when Rick knocked on my door 
and said, 'You know, 
it's such a beautiful day outside, 
and it is your birthday, 
what do you say we go out to lunch, 
just you and me....' 

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, 
that's the greatest thing 
I've heard all day. Let's go!' 

We went to lunch. 
But we didn't go where we normally would go. 
He chose instead a quiet bistro 
with a private table. 
We had two martinis each 
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. 

On the way back to the office, 
Rick said, 'You know, 
it's such a beautiful day... 
we don't need to go straight back to the office, 
do we?' 

I responded, 'I guess not. 
What do you have in mind?' 
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, 
it's just around the corner.' 

After arriving at his house, 
Rick turned to me and said, 
If you don't mind, 
I'm going to step into the bedroom 
for just a moment. 
I'll be right back.' 
'Ok.' I nervously replied. 

He went into the bedroom and, 
after a couple of minutes, 
he came out 
carrying a huge birthday cake ... 
followed by my husband 
my kids, and dozens of my friends 
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....
 


On the couch......
 
 
 


Naked.
149
146 Jokes - Doctor Dementia Test
Updated: 21 Jan 2014

Here's another robo trick of Doctor Dementia to test your skills ...

Can you meet this challenge?

I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers.

Good example of a Brain Study:

If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind.

And better than that: Alzheimer's is a long long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.

7H15 M3554G3

53RV35 7O PR0V3

H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N

D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG

17 WA5 H4RD BU7

N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3

Y0UR M1ND 1S

R34D1NG 17

4U70M471C4LLY

W17H 0U7 3V3N

7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

B3 PROUD! 0NLY

C3R741N P30PL3 C4N

R3AD 7H15.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F

U C4N R34D 7H15.

To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the above paragraph, forward it on to your friends with

'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.

Can you raed this? Olny 55 people out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it.

FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT. Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line

151
147 Jokes -Three Virgins
Updated: 20 Jan 2014

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.  Mum was a  bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.
 
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but:  "Nescafe".  Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:  "Great from beginning to end". Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
 
 
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read:   "Rothmans"..  Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack:   "Super strong King Size".  She was again slightly
embarrassed but still happy for her daughter..
 

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand .. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing.. A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand "..
 

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.


'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'

MUM FAINTED!!!

 

154
148 Jokes- Under the Bed
Updated: 18 Jan 2014
 
 

FW: Psych vs B'tender

 







Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
 
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under
my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy.'
 
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get
rid of those fears'. Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said
the shrink.
 
'How much do you charge?'
 
Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
 
'I'll think about it,' I said.
 
Six months later, I met the doctor on the street.
 
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were
having?' he asked.
 
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.
 
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought me a
new pickup!'
 
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and
how,may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
 
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -
 
Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
 
STAY
 
AWAY FROM THE SHRINKS..
 
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A
 
BARTENDER!
139
149 Jokes- From Down Under
Updated: 17 Jan 2014

 JUST 
IMAGINE..

If you had
bought $1,000.00  of Qantas shares one year ago, you  would
have $49.00 today!

If  you bought $1,000.00 AIG shares one year ago,
you  would have $33.00 today!

If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Lehman Brothers shares one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today!

BUT....  if you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year  ago,
drank all the beer, then returned the  aluminum cans for recycling....
 
YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED  $214.00!!!

BASED ON THE ABOVE, THE BEST CURRENT INVESTMENT

PLAN IS TO DRINK HEAVILY AND RECYCLE!


AND,DID YOU KNOW...

A recent study found that the average Aussie walks

900 MILES A YEAR!!!

Another study found that Aussies  drink, on average,

22 GALLONS OF ALCOHOL A  YEAR!!!

THAT MEANS THAT, ON AVERAGE, AUSSIES  GET .....

41 MILES TO THE GALLON.

MAKES YOU 
PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE" DOESN'T  IT?

129
150 Jokes - Produce Clerk
Updated: 16 Jan 2014
Subject: Produce clerk
 
 
 A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce .
The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to & find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'
'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
133
151 Jokes- 50 Shades of Hay
Updated: 16 Jan 2014
There always is a 'sic' one in the crowd

alt
190
152 Jokes- Murder at Tesco
Updated: 14 Jan 2014

MURDER AT TESCO

Tired of constantly
Being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend'
Put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
 
A few Days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
 
However, Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave The premises.


Under intense Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
 
The next day in the Newspaper, the headline declared...




  

  

  

  

  

  

  

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco

 

197
153 Jokes- Notice Board
Updated: 13 Jan 2014

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
 

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop: 
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
 

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: 
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
 

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

243
154 Jokes- An English Cricket Crackit
Updated: 10 Jan 2014
  1. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
    A.  A laughing stock.
  2. What’s the height of optimism?
    A:   English batsman putting on sunscreen.
  3. What’s the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
    A.  Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.
  4. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
    A.  Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
  5. What does an English batsman playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
    A.  They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
  6. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
    A.  Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
  7. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
    A.  A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

Kevin Pietersens Mum rang to wish him luck.  The English Captain answered the phone and said,

'I'm sorry Mrs Pietersen but Kevin's just gone onto the field to bat.  Do you want to hold ?

177
155 Jokes- Smile and say Cheese
Updated: 08 Jan 2014
Crusty Old Golfer..... A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and Heads into the grill room.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over The bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old Golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive Female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun- wrinkled Golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young Lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Yes Sir, I Sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear says softly,"Well, wash your hands real f.....g good, cause I want a cheeseburger."
127
156 Jokes- What is Sex Four
Updated: 06 Jan 2014

SEX AND GOOD  GRAMMAR.....

 

 

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

 The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a

 nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!

 

The husband went to the reservation and saw 

the medicine man.

 

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say

  '1-2-3.'

  When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

 

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked,

 "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

 

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

 

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to  join him in the bedroom.

 

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

 Immediately, he was the manliest of men.  His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,

 "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 

 And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle

135
157 Jokes- He said -She Said
Updated: 06 Jan 2014

He Said To Me.... I Said To him

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ......Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
 

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

131
158 Jokes -Little Larry
Updated: 06 Jan 2014
Description: []A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

 
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

 
Description: []The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

 
Description: []Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

 
Description: []Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....
181
159 Jokes- Offended ?
Updated: 06 Jan 2014

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ......... And then I saw her face......


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Redhead matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk... unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ............ Some of us have got homes to go to!'


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ........ chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'


Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England... 

117
160 Jokes- For More Mature People
Updated: 03 Jan 2014

Another good one for "more mature' people! 

From the Australian Association of Retired People Questions and Answers


Q:    Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A:    In a bookstore under "Fiction'

Q:    What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A:    Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can build a shed. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q:    How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?

A:    Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:    How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A:    Take off your glasses.

Q:    Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A:    Valets don't forget where they park your car..

Q:    Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A:    Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q:    As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A:    Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:    Where should 60-plus year olds look for spectacles?

A:    On their foreheads.

Q:    What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A:    "Gosh, I remember these!"

136
161 Jokes- Friends
Updated: 03 Jan 2014

I think this proves that Men Make Better Friends ...

 


 
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
 
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
126
162 Jokes- A Quickie
Updated: 03 Jan 2014


 Bill Clinton and Al Gore recently went to a diner to get a bite
to eat.

A good looking waitress comes up and asks, "Can I take your
order?"

Clinton says, "Yes, I'd like a quickie!"

She turns a little red and says, "Sir, with your past state of
affairs I don't think you should even be suggesting something
like that. I will come back when you are ready to order from
the MENU!"

As she walks away Gore leans over and says, "Bill, its
pronounced quiche".

124
163 Jokes- Does everyone go to Heaven
Updated: 03 Jan 2014
 

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.  One
line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the
other line for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women
are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were
dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of
men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your
mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made
me proud.  Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage
to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand
here."

121
164 Jokes- A bag full
Updated: 03 Jan 2014

*** Cannibals

Two cannibals just finished a big meal.  One turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his hand and says, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"

*** Two Men

John: "I'm a man of few words."

Bill: "I'm married, too."

*** First Fight

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a dreadful fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the body?"

*** Improved

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

*** May - December Marriage

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,

"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

*** The Shoe Box

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."

*** When Love Fades

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's  voice from the kitchen

"What would you like for dinner my Love?... Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, a**hole. I was talking to the cat."

*** Snack Time

As Helen was nursing her baby, her cousin's six-year-old daughter, Emily, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, Emily was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what she was doing.

After mulling over the answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.”

132
165 Jokes- A Child's View of Politics
Updated: 03 Jan 2014

Whether
Conservative, Liberal
or
Labour , I think
you'll get
a kick out of
this!


A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister..

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.


 The nanny, we will
consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

 

Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep  SHIT.

145
166 Jokes- Yer Law Yer ?
Updated: 31 Dec 2013

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. 

The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes.

There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've 
finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face

up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered,

yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. 

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman.
It's been such a long, long time... So... Do you think we should... well... You know... screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer.

 

 

153
167 Jokes- The Last for 2013 ?
Updated: 30 Dec 2013
 
*** Drowning His Sorrows
 
The distressed-looking drunk man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the bartender asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?"
 
"You could say that," the guy replied.
 
"It usually doesn't work, you know."
 
"No kidding," the man moaned. "I can't even get my wife anywhere near the water!"
---------------------------------------------------
 
 
*** Female Patrons
 
I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.
 
"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
 
"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "But when I walked in, they were speaking German."
-----------------------------------------------------
 
 
*** So Dirty
 
Little Johnny walked into the house covered in filth.
 
His mom asked, "Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?"
 
Johnny replied, " I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are."
--------------------------------------------------
 
 
*** Selling The Car
 
Buffy made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a second girl that she worked with at a bar.
 
Sandy suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."
 
"That doesn't matter at all," replied Buffy. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
 
"Alright," replied the second girl. In a quiet voice, she told Buffy: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
 
The following weekend, Buffy took a trip to the mechanic on Sandy's advice.
 
About one month after that, Sandy saw Buffy and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
 
"No!" replied Buffy. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
-------------------------------------------------------
 
 
*** Martinis
 
McKenzie walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
 
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McKenzie had done. "What was that all about?"
 
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
*** The Secret to Giving
 
She was a wealthy widow and philanthropist who was a target of many people seeking charity. And she was indeed very generous, but interestingly, she never answered the door for solicitors herself. Instead she would have her housekeeper answer the door and give a donation.
 
Given the circumstances, the housekeeper was quite surprised to see, that after a man showed up at the door with the proclamation, “I haven’t eaten anything in two days”, that her employer insisted on seeing him.
 
“What did she ask you?” the housekeeper asked the man as he exited her office.
 
“I don’t know…I’m very confused.”, he replied, “She wanted to know what my secret was.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
 
*** At The Zoo
 
A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
 
First he has to clean out the tropical fish tank. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer will be cross with him, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, because lions eat anything.
 
On his second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything.
 
Finally he has to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by an angry swarm. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.
 
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to an old lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"
 
The old lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
147
168 Jokes- Making a Baby
Updated: 26 Dec 2013

Making a baby. This is hilarious! There is not one dirty word in it (Darn) , and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.

Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby

photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith

cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well

that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave

everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can

really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one

every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!',

gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with

that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on

the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider

their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done

right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the

photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when

darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned

forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to

work right away.' 'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
 

Mrs. Smith fainted

170
169 Jokes- Did I Read That Sign Right ?
Updated: 26 Dec 2013




Subject: Fwd: DID I READ THAT SIGN RIGHT ?

Did I Read That Sign Right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In A Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In A Memphis Department Store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In An Office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In An Office:

AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside A Second-Hand Shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice In Health Food Shop Window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted In a Safari Park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a Conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice In A Farmer's Field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message On A Leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On A Repair Shop Door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

177
170 Jokes - The Test
Updated: 24 Dec 2013

The Test

An Irishman walked into the local pharmacy, reached into his pocket, and took out his quarter size Irish whiskey

bottle and a teaspoon.He poured out a teaspoonful and offered it to the chemist."Please taste this for me."The

chemist took the teaspoon, put the liquid into his mouth, and swilled it around before swallowing."Did that taste

sweet to you?" said Paddy."No, not at all," replied the chemist."Oh that's a great relief" said Paddy. "The doctor

told me to come here and have my urine tested for sugar."

172
171 Jokes - The Seniors
Updated: 24 Dec 2013

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 
'Sure.' 
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 
'No, I can remember it.' 
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' 
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. 
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' 
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. 

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


 


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'



A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 

'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



One more. . .! 


A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 
 
 
Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!! 

 

171
172 Jokes- Getting Screwed
Updated: 20 Dec 2013

A traveller knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually

accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed,"

said the man. "OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee

through the mail slot," answered the voice. The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed

and nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again. "Hey,"

exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice, "Again?"

167
173 Joke- The Genie is out of his bottle
Updated: 20 Dec 2013

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. 


The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' 


So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. 


A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'


'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 


'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'


Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'


'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'


'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 


   
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.


'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'  


    'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'


The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'


She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'


You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.I'd do the same for you!'


So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
      


    The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'


'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

    
'No Kidding,' he said.   


  'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

158
174 Jokes- Things You Can Only Say At Christmas
Updated: 19 Dec 2013
THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS   
1: I prefer breasts to legs. 
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 
5: I've never seen a better spread! 
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 
7: Are you ready for seconds yet? 
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 
10: Don't play with your meat! 
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 
14: You still have a little bit on your chin. 
15: How long will it take after you put it in? 
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning. 
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more  
 

 

160
175 Jokes - Facts about Hockey
Updated: 18 Dec 2013

FACTS ABOUT HOCKEY


                           
                                

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874

and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is just as important as their nuts

176
176 Jokes - A Better Class of Pun
Updated: 18 Dec 2013

A Slightly Better Class of Pun

 
 
 
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
 
Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.
 
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
 
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
 
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
 
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell ?
 
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
 
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
 
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
 
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
 
What's the definition of a will? (it's a dead give away.)
 
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
 
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
 
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
 
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
 
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
 
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
 
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
 
Local area network in Australia - the lan down under.
 
Every calendar's days are numbered.
 
A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.
 
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
 
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
 
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
 
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
 
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
 
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
167
177 Jokes - A Beautiful Climbing Rose
Updated: 06 Dec 2013

Oh what a tangled language English is 
and how easy it is to misconstrue; 

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.

 

She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said…..

 

"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."

165
178 Jokes- The First for Christmas ?
Updated: 04 Dec 2013

First Christmas Joke
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to

get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman  started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy  replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
 

Begins......

228
179 Jokes - Our Father
Updated: 03 Dec 2013
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation,
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
 
No one moved.
 
The preacher continued,
"Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
185
180 Joke - Senior Drivers
Updated: 30 Nov 2013

Senior Drivers No Longer

Need Drivers License

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a 1980's white 4-door sedan that came crashing

through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to still be driving.""Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.

"I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?" "That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me

and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut it

into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'.  So I thanked him and

left!"

151
181 Jokes - Enjoy
Updated: 30 Nov 2013

SCOTTISH WEDDING 

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...  "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." 

The bartender was almost crushed to death. 

  

  1. SEX 

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..         A friend of mine was wearing one when

he was shot by the woman’s husband. 

  

New Book 

A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out

for men with short penises?" 

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." 

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…" 

  

Poor Lance Armstrong - 

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he

achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
 

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike. 

  

Drive By 

  

A guy broke into my apartment last week. 

He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. 

Now he drives by and changes the channels. 

Sick Bastard!! 

  

  

The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back". 

  

  1. SCAM 

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf. 
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.


Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen 

  

So True 

 Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. 

The Moral of the story: 

In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed!! 

  

Pregnant Prostitute 

               Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"   
"For god sakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"  

  

Sex Research (could be handy) 

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome,

now I understand why they call you handsome! 

  

  1. EASYJET 

Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "

158
182 Jokes- My Blackberry is not Working
Updated: 28 Nov 2013
161
183 Jokes- Ageing
Updated: 28 Nov 2013

Here's one for all you Golf Geezers...........................


Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway."Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel
like you have to pee.. And most of the time nothing happens.""Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't
have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit
on the toilet all day and nothing happens.""Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.""Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old."No, I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no
problem at all.""Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" asked the 70 year old."No, I have one every morning at 6:30 am."Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You
pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6:30 am. So
what's so tough about being 80?""I don't wake up until seven."

158
184 Jokes- Test Your Skills
Updated: 28 Nov 2013


    Here's another trick of Doctor Dementia to test your skills ... 
Can you meet this challenge? 
I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer's is a long long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.

 

 


7H15 M3554G3 
53RV35 7O PR0V3 
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N 
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 
17 WA5 H4RD BU7 
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 
Y0UR M1ND 1S 
R34D1NG 17 
4U70M471C4LLY 
W17H 0U7 3V3N 
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, 
B3 PROUD! 0NLY 
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N 
R3AD 7H15. 
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F 
U C4N R34D 7H15.


To my 'selected' strange-mindedfriends:

If you can read the above paragraph, forward it on to your friends with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting! 
If you can read this, you have a stragne mnid, too. 
Can you read this? Only 55 people out of 100 can. 


I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it. 


FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT. Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line.

155
185 Jokes - I Love You
Updated: 28 Nov 2013

      The Effect of Four Little Words....

The effect of those FOUR little words ... "I LOVE YOU, SWEETHEART"


A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.


The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"


All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"


Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.


The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."


The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.


Here are some of the replies: 1.   Who the hell is this? 2.   Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?3.   Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??4.   What now?  Did you crash the car again?5.   I don't understand what you mean?6.   What the f*ck did you do now?7.   ?!?8.   Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?9.   Am I dreaming? 10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

 

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??

160
186 Jokes - The Miracle
Updated: 28 Nov 2013

The Miracle

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won't say what it is but wants Father Flannigan to see it with his own eyes.

He brings the priest into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that."

"Well," Fr. Flannigan says, "it's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, measurements, etc."

An investigation of some rigor is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but also by scientists sent from the Archbishop in Dublin.

The final ruling is negative, however. It read:

"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."

190
187 Jokes - Complaints Made to Councils
Updated: 28 Nov 2013

Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils 


Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16.. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

186
188 Jokes - Stress Management
Updated: 26 Nov 2013

Stress Management!  

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an

audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or

half full?'... She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.  Answers called

out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.

She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I          hold it for a minute,

that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm."  "If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call

an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued,

"and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time,  sooner or later, as the burden becomes

increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're

refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in

the evening as you can, put all your  burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick

them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird

names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*

161
189 Jokes - More and More
Updated: 26 Nov 2013
  1. We miss Rodney Dangerfield .......... 
     
    Because he said .... My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  
    Last night she used me to time an egg. 
     
    It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, 
    yet she won't drink from my glass! 
     
    Last night my wife met me at the front door. 
    She was wearing a sexy negligee. 
    The only trouble was, she was coming home. 
     
    A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over there's nobody home.' 
    I went over. Nobody was home! 
     
    A hooker once told me she had a headache. 
     
    I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. 
     
    If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. 
     
    I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 
    'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' 
    She said, 'No, I hate myself now.' 
     
    I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. 
    That's when you put a bag over your head in case 
    the bag over her head comes off. 
     
    I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. 
     
    My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen 
    the roaches hang themselves. 
     
    I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. 
     
    The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. 
    I asked him, 'Why?' 
    He said, 'Because you came home early.' 
     
    My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. 
     
    I know I'm not sexy. 
    When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. 
     
    My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. 
     
    My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night. 
     
    MY FAVOURITE: 
     
    My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
146
190 Jokes - A Wee Bit
Updated: 26 Nov 2013

 A Weeeee Bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

124
191 Jokes- The Good Word ?
Updated: 26 Nov 2013

Subject: Fw: So it is written. so it shall be.

Two Laws in the Bible were fulfilled on the same day.

For those who haven't heard, Washington State passed two landmark laws:
 

"Gay marriage" and the "Legalization of marijuana".The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on

the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they

should be stoned."

116
192 Jokes - Peaches and Peas
Updated: 25 Nov 2013

A very cranky old  woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone  a hard time, from the

store manager to the security guard to the arresting  officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing

throughout the process.


When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied,

"Just a stupid can of peaches."


The judge then asked why she had done it.  She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?" The

judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach." 

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might

speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"


The husband said, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas." 

132
193 Jokes - A Senile Moment of Madness
Updated: 25 Nov 2013

A senile madness moment

  

I wonder if they deliver Emails on Sunday ? 

490
194 Joke- Or No Joke ?
Updated: 25 Nov 2013


A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his

chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and,

tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the

table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door." 

114
195 Jokes- The Benefits of Being George
Updated: 15 Nov 2013

The new royal baby, George, has already done three of the things on my bucket list.


1. Became a billionaire
2. Met the Queen
3. Sucked Kate Middleton's Boobs

187
196 Jokes- Adam and a Lemon ?
Updated: 15 Nov 2013
A woman went through a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
She replied, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn!
181
197 Jokes- The Perks of Getting Old
Updated: 15 Nov 2013

NOT TOO SURE ABOUT NO;9

Perks of reaching 50

or being over 60

and heading towards

70 or beyond! 1..

Kidnappers are not very

interested in you.2.

In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.
 3.

No one expects you to run  --

anywhere.4.

People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,

'Did I wake you?'5.

People no longer view you as a

hypochondriac.6.

There is nothing left

to learn the hard way.7.

Things you buy now

won't wear out.8.

You can eat

supper at 4 PM.

9.

You can live without sex

but not your glasses.10.

You get into heated arguments

about pension plans.11.

You no longer think of speed limits

as a challenge.12.

You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks

into the room. 13.

You sing along

with elevator music.14.

Your eyes won't get

much worse.15.

Your investment in health insurance

is finally beginning to pay off. 16.

Your joints are more accurate

meteorologists

than the national weather service.17.

Your secrets are safe with your friends

because they can't remember them either.18.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to

a manageable size. 19.

You can't remember

who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all

in big print

for your convenience. 
Forward this to everyone

you can remember

right now!

 


AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER
,

under any circumstances,

take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

 

171
198 Jokes - Talking Dog
Updated: 14 Nov 2013
*** Talking Dog
 
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.
  
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
 
"Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?"
 
"Roof!" the dog replies.
 
"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’."
 
"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?"
 
"Rough!" the dog answers.
 
The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.
 
"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you."
 
He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
 
"Ruth!" goes the dog.
 
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
 
And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
147
199 Jokes- Doggie Bag
Updated: 14 Nov 2013
*** Doggie Bag
 
Rhonda made a trip to the butcher shop every Friday in preparation for having the family to dinner Sunday.  One
Friday

 she saw something most peculiar – a dog walked right into the butcher shop.

 
"What’ll it be today?" the butcher asked the dog. "T-bone?"
 
The dog shook his head.
 
"Roast?" suggested the butcher.
 
The dog shook his head.
 
"Lamb?" tried the butcher.
 
The dog wagged his tail excitedly.
 
The butcher wrapped up two pieces of lamb, gave them to the dog and the dog trotted out. The same thing happened the following Friday and Rhonda was so intrigued that she decided to follow the dog out of the shop. She saw the dog walk up the steps to a house, stand on his hind legs and ring the doorbell with his nose. A man answered the door and immediately started shouting angrily at the dog.
 
Rhonda was incensed. "You should be ashamed of yourself," she told the man. "That is the cleverest dog I've ever seen. He goes to the butcher's, fetches your food, brings it home and rings the doorbell. And you treat him like that!"
 
"That may be," said the man, "but it's the fourth time this month that he's forgotten his key."
150
200 Jokes-Sod's Law
Updated: 13 Nov 2013
  
I DIDN'T BELIEVE THESE LAWS AT FIRST, BUT HAVE FOUND THEM TO BE TRUE FROM ACTUAL EXPERIENCE.
 
1.Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch, you'll have to pee and your cell phone will ring.
 
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
 
3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
 
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.
Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6.
Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
 
7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
 
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
 
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
 
10. Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
 
11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
 
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
 
13.Murphy's Law of Lockers- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
 
14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
 
15.Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
 
16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
 
17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
 
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
 
19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
148
201 Jokes- Divorce v Murder
Updated: 13 Nov 2013

DIVORCE vs. MURDER
 
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his

eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.
 

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?
 
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.
 
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband,

that's against the law.  I'll lose my license!  They'll throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen. 

Absolutely not!  You CANNOT have any cyanide.  Just get a divorce!"
 
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
 
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "Why didn't you didn't tell me you had a prescription?"

145
202 Jokes- Irish Humour
Updated: 11 Nov 2013
Subject: Irish Court
 
 

The judge says to a double murder defendant, "You're charged  with 
beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to 
death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom:  "Sir, 
I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no 
more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.  Is that 
understood?"

Paddy stands up and says:   "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen 
years I've lived next door to that asshole, and every time I asked to 
borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
126
203 Jokes - Home Sweet Home
Updated: 11 Nov 2013
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
 
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
 
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
 
4. My father taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."
 
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."
 
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
 
7. My father taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
 
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
 
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
 
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
 
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
 
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
 
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
 
14.. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
 
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful
parents like you do."
 
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
 
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
 
19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
 
20. My father taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
 
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
 
22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."
 
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
 
24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
 
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
120
204 Jokes - Whose Smarter ?
Updated: 08 Nov 2013
Who's Smarter?
 
 
 
A guy and his date are parked on a back road some distance from town. They are messing around when the girl stops the boy abruptly. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge twenty dollars for sex."
The boy reluctantly pays her, and they carry on. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sits in the driver's seat, staring out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asks the girl.
"Well, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is twenty-five dollars."
136
205 Jokes- The Laws of Golf
Updated: 08 Nov 2013
Subject: FW: The Laws of Golf
  
(I never make fun of my own haircut.............see Law 15)
 
 
LAW 1:
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2:
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3:
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic.  Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly
made with this most unusual natural alloy.

LAW 4:
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play.  If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5:
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 6:
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 7:
All 3-woods are demon-possessed.  Your Mother in Law does not come  close.

LAW 8:
Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water.  See LAW 3.

LAW 9:
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 10:
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 11:
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

LAW 12:
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.

LAW 13:
If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.
 
LAW 14:
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.

LAW 15:
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

LAW 16:
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

LAW 17:
It's not a gimme if you're still 4 feet away.
   
LAW 18:
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

LAW 19:
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

LAW 20:  
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

LAW  21:
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.

LAW 22:
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
   
LAW  23:
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

LAW  24:
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
149
206 Jokes- Your Wife ?
Updated: 08 Nov 2013
Subject: Fw: You're  not going to believe
 
 
 

 
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. 

So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party. 

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there. 

His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe who had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ... naturally, since he was her husband. 

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. 

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." 

- "Did you dance much?"
- "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. 
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."


146
207 Jokes- Best Golf One Ever ?
Updated: 02 Nov 2013

Subject: Best golf joke in a while!

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab

being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back

of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious. "You probably saved my life," says the grateful

Arab. "I am a member of the

Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you

desire as a reward."The golfer glances at his golf bag. "Some new golf clubs would be nice," he

says. Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up."We've got your golf clubs," she says,

"but the Sheikh would like to apologize

to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."     

135
208 Jokes- A Fairy Tale
Updated: 02 Nov 2013
Subject:  Who can resist a fairy tale. . .




                                                             
-   Little Afternoon History -
 
 
Once  upon a time there lived a  King.
The King had a   beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..  

But there was a  problem.  Everything the princess touched would   melt.
  

No matter what;  
Metal,  
Wood,  
Stone,   
Anything she touched  would  melt.   

Because  of this,  men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired.  What  could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his  wizards  and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter  touches one thing  that does not melt in her  hands,
she will be cured.'  

The King was overjoyed  and  came up with a plan.   

The  next day, he  held  a competition. Any man  that  could bring his  daughter an object  that would not melt  would marry her and  inherit the King's wealth...   

THREE  YOUNG   PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.  

The  first brought  a  sword of the finest steel.   

But  alas, when  the  Princess touched it, it melted.  
The prince went away sadly  .   

The second  prince  brought diamonds.
He   thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would  not  melt.  But alas, once the Princess touched them, they  melted.    

He too was sent  away  disappointed.   

The   third  prince approached. He told the Princess,  
'Put your hand in my pocket  and  feel what is in there.'

The Princess did as she  was  told, though she turned red .   

She felt something  hard.  She held it in her hand.  
And it did not    melt!!!
The    King was overjoyed.  Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third  Prince  married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.   

Question:   What  was in the Prince's pants?  




       

    M&M's  of  course.   

They melt in your mouth,  not  in your hand.
 

What were you   thinking??       

      
  I   WORRY ABOUT  YOU SOMETIMES.
163
209 Jokes- Halloween ?
Updated: 02 Nov 2013

Subject: Your first Halloween message


A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... 

when behind him he hears:

Bump...BUMP...BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket

banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP..BUMP...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...FASTER..

BUMP...BUMP... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door

behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clappingclappity-

BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on his heels, the terrified man runs

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and,(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

.

.

.

.

.The coffin stops!

 

142
210 Jokes- Rye Bread
Updated: 02 Nov 2013
Rye Bread

A man was walking around a new town, looking for a place to eat, when he spotted a restaurant called "Anything
  
You Want".

A notice on the window read "We can fix any dish you ask for - if we don't have it, you will be paid $200".

Thinking this was a pretty good deal, the man went in and sat down at a table.

The waitress came over to take his order.

He said "I'll have roast elephant on rye bread, hold the mayo."

She snapped her gum, stuck her pencil back in her hair and walked into the kitchen.

All of a sudden, the man heard screaming and yelling, pots and pans being thrown, and dishes breaking.

The kitchen door slammed open as the owner came charging out.

He put two one-hundred dollar bills on the table, and said  "I can't  believe it.

I've been in business here for ten years, and this is the first time I've run out of rye bread!"
177
211 Jokes- The Sheer Nightgown
Updated: 31 Oct 2013


The Sheer Nightgown....

 
A husband walks into David Jones to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500 they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon
231
212 Jokes - Is Less better ?
Updated: 31 Oct 2013
Pretty well sums it all up…
Ain’t it the truth!
WELCOME TO THE 21STCENTURY!

*Our Phones ~ Wireless
*Cooking ~ Fireless
*Cars ~ Keyless
*Food ~ Fatless
*Tires ~ Tubeless
*Dress ~ Sleeveless
*Youth ~ Jobless
*Leaders ~ Shameless
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
*Attitude ~ Careless
*Wives ~ Fearless
*Babies ~ Fatherless
*Feelings ~ Heartless
*Education ~ Valueless
*Children ~ Mannerless
Everything is becoming LESS but still
our hopes are ~ Endless.
In fact we are ~ Speechless
And Parliament is - CLUELESS!
And our Government is –WORTHLESS!
               SUMS IT UP - DOESN'T IT ? ? ?
144
213 Jokes - To Make you Smile
Updated: 31 Oct 2013
*** Fastest Dad
 
Three kids argue, whose father is the fastest.
 
One says, "My father is the fastest, he can overtake an arrow he shot with a bow."
 
The second one says, "My father is even faster - when he hunts, he can shoot a deer with a gun and run up to it before it falls down."
 
The third kid says, "You actually don't understand what speed is. My father works for the city. He finishes work at 4:30 pm, but he's back home by 3:45 pm almost every day."
 
 
*** Snail Party
 
Tom and Mary lived in a beachside condo in Atlantic City. Mary loved entertaining and, strangely, liked bringing unique creatures to her affairs. For this event, she had booked a variety of exotic snakes, but a few hours before the doors were to open the snake handler cancelled.
 
Scrambling she said, “Tom, why don’t you go down to the beach and collect some of those sea snails we saw this morning.”
 
Now there were few things in the world that Tom hated more than Mary’s strange parties. So as he left the condo, he wanted to stall. He went out for dinner to his favorite steak house. Then he went to his friend Al’s place to watch the basketball game, and then out for a movie. Before he knew it, it was 1:00 in the morning and he hadn’t gotten his wife those snails.
 
Quickly he hurried down to the beach, picked up a few snails, rushed home, stumbled out of the elevator, dropping the snails.
 
At that moment, Mary angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and accusing him of ruining her party.
 
Tom looked towards the snails and said “C’mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we’re there!”
 
 
 
*** A Real Card
 
The Sales Associate at Wal-Mart notices an older looking man in the card section. When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help.
 
“Hello sir, my name is Mary,” she said.
 
“Hello Mary, I’m Fred Jones,” replied the man.
 
“Is there anything I can help you with Mr. Jones?”
 
“Well I don’t know, I’m having a problem. I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”
 
 
*** The Immigrant
 
A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your business in Australia?"
 
"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.
 
The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction record?"
 
Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."
 
 
*** Two Fingers Up
 
It's the first day at school and as soon as the first class begins, the teacher tells everyone, "Listen children. If at any time during the lesson any one of you needs to go to the restroom, all you have to do is to hold up two fingers."
 
After a few moments of thinking about what he's just heard, little Johnny, "Miss, how will that help?"
186
214 Jokes- Child Abuse ?
Updated: 31 Oct 2013
Subject: Fwd: Politically correct thinking and the answer
 
 
 
My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.'

Mom's Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D ...
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C..S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best. '

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C .S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?'

Send to all people that have teenagers, have already raised teenagers, have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH.

MOM (Mean Old Mother)
173
215 Jokes- Auntie Acid
Updated: 31 Oct 2013
Subject: Auntie Acid
 
 Must be Maxine's sister!
 
 
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169
216 Jokes - Telephones
Updated: 30 Oct 2013

Subject: Fw: PHONE UPDATE . . . .

 
 
 


 
   
                                                    alt
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
154
217 Jokes -Ambiguity and Idiosyncrasies
Updated: 30 Oct 2013

Jokes 
 

 
 


Subject: Ambiguity and Idiosyncrasies
 
1. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
 
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
 
 
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
 
 
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
 
 
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
 
 
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
 
 
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
 
 
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
 
 
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
 
 
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
 
 
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?
 
 
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
 
 
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
 
 
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
 
 
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
 
 
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
 
 
17.  ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
 
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
 
 
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
 
 
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
 
 
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
 
 
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
                               (This one took me a minute)
 
 
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
 
 
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
 
 
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
 
 
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
 
 
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
 
 
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
 
 
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASTEROIDS"?
 
 
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
 
 
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
 
 
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME
DISORIENTED?
 
 
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
 
 
34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY,' THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
219
218 Jokes- The Seamstress and her Thimble
Updated: 25 Oct 2013

The Seamstress and Her Thimbles

 
 
 
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
 
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
 
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
 
The seamstress replied, "No."
 
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
 
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
 
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
 
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
 
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
 
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
 
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
 
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
 
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Tom Selleck.
 
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
 
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
 
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
 
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Tom Selleck, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Tom Selleck."
 
And so the Lord let her keep him.
 
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others
307
219 Jokes - Ladies Medical
Updated: 25 Oct 2013
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor. 

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
141
220 Jokes- Another Golfing One
Updated: 25 Oct 2013
Subject: Fwd: Women Play Hard Golf
 



One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when
suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says,
Well, he's certainly not my husband.

As he passes by the second woman, she also glances at his
genitalia and says, He's not my husband either.

He then passes by the third woman, who stares carefully as
he runs by her.

Wait a minute, she says. He's not even a club member!!!!
130
221 Jokes -Seven advantages of Mother's milk
Updated: 25 Oct 2013

Subject: Mid-term Exam

 
 
 
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was:
'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'
 
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.  However, he wrote:
 
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
 
He got an A*.
 
 
 
136
222 Jokes- Confucius Says :
Updated: 21 Oct 2013

Confucius Says: 

 

Man who drive like Hell, 
bound to get there.
 

  

Man who run behind 
car get exhausted.

  

Man who run in 
front of car get tired

 

Man with one 
chopstick go hungry

158
223 Jokes- That's what friends are for ?
Updated: 19 Oct 2013

Two very old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their  lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every  day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our

lives,  and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please  do me one favour, when you get to

Heaven, somehow you must let me know  if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death  bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all  possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe  passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is  awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a  voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? Asks Mike  sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me,  Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you,  it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are  you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news  and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first ," says  Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in  heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are  here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's  always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we  can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's  fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

Scroll down



"You're in the team for this Saturday."

152
224 Jokes - Suspicious Wifey
Updated: 14 Oct 2013

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his

friends for fishing.. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've

been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend....

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?

We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..

Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,

She does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him

home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.”

He said “but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".

183
225 Jokes- Six in the place for One
Updated: 14 Oct 2013

The 1st Affair 

A married man was having an affair 
with his secretary. 

One day they went to her place 
and made love all afternoon. 

Exhausted, they fell asleep 
and woke up at 8 PM. 

The man hurriedly dressed 
and told his lover to take his shoes 
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. 

He put on his shoes and drove home. 

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. 
We had sex all afternoon.' 

She looked down at his shoes and said: 

'You lying bastard! 
You've been playing golf!' 





The 2nd Affair 


A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters 
but always talked about having a son. 

They decided to try one last time 
for the son they always wanted. 

The wife got pregnant 
and delivered a healthy baby boy. 

The joyful father rushed to the nursery 
to see his new son. 

He was horrified at the ugliest child 
he had ever seen. 

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can 
be the father of this baby. 
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! 
Have you been fooling around behind my back?' 

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 
'No, not this time!' 




The 3rd Affair 


A mortician was working late one night. 

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, 
about to be cremated, 
and made a startling discovery. 
Schwartz had the largest private part 
he had ever seen! 

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician 
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated 
with such an impressive private part. 
It must be saved for posterity.' 

So, he removed it, 
stuffed it into his briefcase, 
and took it home. 

'I have something to show 
you won't believe,' he said to his wife, 
opening his briefcase. 

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 
'Schwartz is dead!' 




The 4th Affair 


A woman was in bed with her lover 
when she heard her husband 
opening the front door. 

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' 

She rubbed baby oil all over him, 
then dusted him with talcum powder. 

'Don't move until I tell you,' 
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 

'What's this?' the husband inquired 
as he entered the room. 

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it 
so I got one for us, too.' 

No more was said, 
not even when they went to bed. 

Around 2 AM the husband got up, 
went to the kitchen and returned 
with a sandwich and a beer. 

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. 
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths 
and nobody offered me a damned thing.' 




The 5th Affair 


A man walked into a cafe, 
went to the bar and ordered a beer. 

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. 

He glanced at the menu and asked: 
'How much for a nice juicy steak 
and a bottle of wine?' 

'A nickel,' the barman replied. 

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 
'Where's the guy who owns this place?' 

The bartender replied: 
'Upstairs, with my wife.' 

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs 
with your wife?' 

The bartender replied: 
'The same thing I'm doing 
to his business down here.' 




The 6th & Best Affair 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. 

He looked up and said weakly: 
'I have something I must confess.' 

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 

'No,' he insisted, 
'I want to die in peace. 
I slept with your sister, your best friend, 
her best friend, and your mother!' 

'I know,' she replied. 
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'  

136
226 Joke - Nymphomaniac Convention
Updated: 12 Oct 2013

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his

seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him."Hello", he

blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the

annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous

woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!Struggling to

maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?""Lecturer," she

responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality..""Really", he smiled,

"what myths are those?""Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well

endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."Suddenly the woman became

uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even

know your name!""Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

208
227 Jokes- Animal Girl
Updated: 11 Oct 2013
Animal Girl

A teacher asked her class "What do you want out of life"?

A little girl in the back raised her hand and said "All I want out of life is four animals".

The teacher asked "Really? And what four animals would that be"?

The little girl said  "A mink on my back, a jaguar in my garage, a tiger in my bed and a jackass to pay for all of it".
149
228 Jokes- Americans -How Moving
Updated: 11 Oct 2013

Subject: Washington DC Airport Ticket Agent:

CongressionalTravel Questions

 
 
 
Airport Ticket Agent: Congressional Travel Questions
 
TICKET AGENT
 
Hi – Here’s something that’s sure to make you laugh if it doesn't make you sick first.

These people run our country and advise our President who really needs help.


A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why the US Government is in so much trouble:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ...''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..''
His response -- click..

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama, who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

156
229 Jokes - Obama Care - Jest or What ? A Story of Washington Spoilt Brats ?
Updated: 11 Oct 2013
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.  
  
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a
  
lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists
  
considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh,
  
grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
  
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter
  
pill to swallow.  

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists
  
thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
 
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
269
230 Jokes- Lunch and Crunch
Updated: 11 Oct 2013
*** Construction Lunch I
 
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 75th floor of a
  
new building. The lunch siren sounds.
 
The Irishman opens his lunch and said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more
  
time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
 
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to
  
jump off, too."
 
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again!  If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping
  
too."
 
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The
  
Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna
  
and jumped to his death as well.
 
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef
  
and cabbage, I  never would have given it to him again!"
 
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated
  
burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. 
 
And as the two wives stared at the blonde’s wife, they both asked why she wasn't sad about her husbands
  
death.  She replied "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
143
231 Jokes- Irish V The French
Updated: 11 Oct 2013

Irish vs The French!

 The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.  'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in   County Clare  ,   Ireland  . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon  treaty!'


'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'
 

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.  

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'


'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'


Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'


'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'


'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'


'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

140
232 Jokes- This is No Joke
Updated: 10 Oct 2013

Anything managed through bureaucracies!!!..

You will like this! ... And it is a true story!
 


A man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia )
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by
return mail.

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and
they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the
account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was
yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as
good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he
Had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0..00
cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the
computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00
and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate
steps to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks
at the local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties
he had been forced to endure