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1 Definition of a Dilemma
Updated: 18 Apr 2014
Definition of Dilemma
 
A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, “WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?"
 
THE PROFESSOR SAID, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT".

 
"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL AROUSED NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE
AND AN EXCITED GAY MAN ON THE OTHER".

 
"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"
7
2 Politics is an Art or ...
Updated: 17 Apr 2014
Food for thought, looks like nothing has changed since the Greeks! 
 
 
Ealt
 
 
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes
from the poor and campaign funds from the rich,
by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Am ringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
 
I offered my opponents a deal:
"if they stop telling lies about me,
I will stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..
 
A politician is a fellow who will lay down
your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
 
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious
a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
 
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city,
it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)
 
We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author 

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over.
They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
 
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become PM;
I'm beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
 
Politicians are people who,
when they see light at the end of the tunnel, 
go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer
 
What happens if a politician drowns in a river?
It's pollution.
What happens if all of them drown?
It's solution ....!!!
12
3 A Supercilious Twerp
Updated: 16 Apr 2014

Mysterious Black Circle Sighted Floating Over David Cameron’s Head

15 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by in pettiness

Tags

,

(satire?)

Weather experts are baffled by the appearance of a black ring in the sky above David Cameron’s head on Monday evening.

cameron halo

Schoolgirl Georgina Heap was playing tennis with her mother Jo Heap when she saw the mysterious black ring in the sky above the Prime Minister’s head.

The halo remained in the sky for around three minutes before disappearing completely.

So far, experts have been unable to offer any explanation for the unusual sighting but an expert on UFOs, unexplained phenomena and other b*ll*cks from the Daily Express described the halo as ‘definitive proof” the prime minister is continuing Jesus’s work.

Other experts however have pointed out that genuine halos are usually white, silver or gold in colour and if the mysterious circle is evidence of divine intervention, it’s probably more a warning that if the prime minister doesn’t change direction quickly he’s going to be spending a very long time indeed having his balls roasted like marshmallows on demonic fires of Hell until they’re ready to pop.

15
4 Jokes - Male Fairy Tail
Updated: 16 Apr 2014
 A MALE FAIRY TALE
 
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, 

"Will you marry me?"

The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished 
and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching 
and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and 
kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell, 
and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.


The End.

Told you it was a Fairy Tale
14
5 Jokes-The F Word
Updated: 15 Apr 2014
Nudist colony
 

A retired man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.... 

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around . 
 
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. 

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?' 

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an
 
erection, it implies you called for me.' 

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel,
 
eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. 

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and,
 
as he sits down, he farts... 

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him,
 
'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man. 

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer. 

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that
 
you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a
 
bench and has his way with him. 

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
 
smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. 

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you
 
can keep the $500 membership fee.' 

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had
 
the chance to see all our facilities.' 

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection
 
once a month. I fart 1 5  times a day!!'
16
6 Jokes- Moped V Ferrari
Updated: 15 Apr 2014

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,  'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars! ''That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?''Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?''No problem,' replies the doctor.So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.


Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show
The old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
The speedometer reads 160 mph.Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.

It seems to be getting closer!He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !Something whips by him going much faster!'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.He presses harder on the accelerator
And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'The old man whispers,


'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'

21
7 Jokes-Hot & Cold Sex
Updated: 15 Apr 2014

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man Jim: "You appear to be
in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me
about?"

 
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am
usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second
time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
 
Later, after examining his elderly wife Sandee, the doctor said:
"Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?"
 
She replied that she had no questions or concerns.
 
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
 
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in January and the second time is in August."
 
 
 
19
8 Jokes-Smile please
Updated: 14 Apr 2014
I was walking down The Mall with a friend yesterday when he turned to me and said, "Seeing all those flags on display makes me so proud of my country."
 
"But Chan, you're Chinese", I replied, "All those flags are Canadian".
 
"No they're not", he laughed, "Just take a look at the labels".
 
 
 
*** Baptism
 
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five-year-old daughter.  As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
 
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five-year-old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
 
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked with all the innocence of a five-year-old, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"
 
 
 
 
*** Last Words
 
 
Two husbands, Jon and Keith, were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
 
Then Keith said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."
 
"Wow!" said Jon, "How do you manage that?"
 
"It's easy," replied Keith, "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"
 
P.S.  Remember, anything said after the end of an argument is  merely the start of a new argument!
 
 
  
 
*** Sleeping
 
 
After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.
 
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
 
He awoke with a start and said, "Who's winning?"
 
 
*** Previous Job
 
 
Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me.
 
Under "Previous Employment" she wrote, "Baby sitting."
 
In answer to "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "Parents came home."
17
9 The Opium of the People
Updated: 11 Apr 2014

A girl brings her boyfriend home to meet her parents.

After dinner, her mother tells her father, a business tycoon,
to find out about the young man.

He invites the boy to join him for green tea in his study.


"So what are your plans?" the father asks the boy.


"I am a religious scholar and want to marry your daughter,"
he replies.


"A scholar," the father says.

"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for
my daughter to live in and to which she is accustomed?"


"I will study," the young man replies,

"and God will provide for us."


"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring,

such as she deserves?" asks the father.


"I will concentrate on my studies,"

 the young man replies, "God will provide for us."


"And children?" asks the father.

"How will you support children?"


"Don't worry sir, God will provide," replies the boy.


The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father

questions him, the boy insists that God will provide.


Later, the mother asks, "Well, how did it go?"


The father answers, "He has no job and no plans,

but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."

28
10 A Marriage Made in Heaven
Updated: 11 Apr 2014

On the way to get married a young Catholic couple was involved in a

fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting

for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder;

Could they possibly get married in Heaven? 

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "I don't know.

This is the first time anyone has asked.

Let me go find out," and he left. 

The couple sat and waited for an answer....

For a couple of months.While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.

If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get

married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed.

St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple.

"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted.

"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?”

25
11 Men Never Listen
Updated: 11 Apr 2014

men never listen



In a Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's
restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his
predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to
touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as
he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button
was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP20 and a red one labelled ATR.
Who
would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm
water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA
button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed
his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable
pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender
loving
pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he
couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme
ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last
thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an
Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.."
MEN
NEVER LISTEN !!

28
12 Definitions
Updated: 07 Apr 2014
Medical Term
 
Irish Definition
Artery
-
The study of paintings
Bacteria
-
Back door to cafeteria
Barium
-
What doctors do when patients die
Benign
-
What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section
-
A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan
-
Searching for Kitty
Cauterize
-
Made eye contact with her
Colic
-
A sheep dog
Coma
-
A punctuation mark
Dilate
-
To live long
Enema
-
Unfriendly female
Fester
-
Quicker than someone else
Fibula
-
A small lie
Impotent
-
Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain
-
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
-
A Doctor's cane
Morbid
-
A higher offer
Nitrates
-
Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node
-
I knew it
Outpatient
-
A person who has fainted
Pelvis
-
Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative
-
A letter carrier
Recovery Room
-
Place to do upholstery
Rectum
-
Nearly killed him
Secretion
-
Hiding something
Seizure
-
Roman Emperor
Tablet
-
A small table
Terminal Illness
-
Getting sick at the airport
Tumor
-
One plus one more
Urine
-
Opposite of you're out
40
13 Thumbs Up ?
Updated: 06 Apr 2014

It takes  your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.


One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as  the brain.

Your body  uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are  standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste  it.

Women
will be finished reading this by now.


Men
are still busy checking their  thumbs.

37
14 Women
Updated: 06 Apr 2014

Quote of the day: 

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house,

she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. 

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

35
15 Oh Paula
Updated: 06 Apr 2014
Husband's Message (by cellphone):
 
"Honey, a car has hit me near the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury, but I do have three broken ribs,
a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot."
 
Wife's Response:
 
"Who the hell is Paula??"
44
16 Jokes- Dating for Seniors
Updated: 05 Apr 2014
 
Dating for Seniors
 
These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried 4th husband,
Looking for someone to round out a 6-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my 8-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
let's put our two heads together.
----------------------------------------------------
My favorite…

MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
49
17 Jokes-Sister Mary
Updated: 05 Apr 2014
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence.
 
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome to stay here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.'
 
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'
 
Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
 
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
 
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. You may say another two words.
 
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
 
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'
 
'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
 
'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but complain since you got here.
43
18 "Dinna laugh, dinna smile. Hunt the gowk another mile"
Updated: 01 Apr 2014

Gowk Day ("gowk" is Scots for a cuckoo or a foolish person),

although this name has fallen into disuse.

The traditional prank is to ask someone to deliver a sealed message requesting help of some sort.

In fact, the message reads "Dinna laugh, dinna smile. Hunt the gowk another mile".

The recipient, upon reading it, will explain he can only help if he first contacts another person, and sends the victim to this

person with an identical message, with the same result.

52
19 Children Are Quick
Updated: 31 Mar 2014

Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
 
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off

40
20 Jokes- Blondes or Collars and Cuffs
Updated: 31 Mar 2014

Description: cid:4D896BE7-2119-4EC6-8905-7E2F716394A5

 

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland .

They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said

Disneyland LEFT.

They started crying and turned around and went home.


FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,

and one blonde says to the other,

'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo,

can you see Florida ?????'


CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely

if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today

you expect me to show it to you!'


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk.

She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank

'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,

'You ARE on the other side.'


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and

said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,

then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said,

'Your finger is broken.'


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car,

he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,

the trooper cranked down his window,

turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what?

We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other

and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot!

You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied,

'We're not stupid, you know.

We're going at night!'


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...

It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was,

'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked,

'Is it on or off?'


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE
TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!


A girl was visiting her blonde friend,

who had acquired two new dogs,

and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that

one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde.

'They're watch dogs'!

56
21 Jokes - Einstein on Technology
Updated: 24 Mar 2014
The day that Albert Einstein most feared may have finally arrived..
[]
A day at the beach.

 

 
[]
Cheering on your team.

 

 
[]
Having dinner out with your friends.

 

 
[]
Out on an intimate date.

 

 
[]
Having a conversation with your BFF

 

 
[]
A visit to the museum

 

 
[]
Enjoying the sights

 

 

 
[]
------------------------------------------------------------
It’s here.
 
 
 
49
22 Jokes - Food Warning
Updated: 24 Mar 2014

Food Warning

 
 
If you receive an email from the

Department of Health

telling you not to eat tinned pork

because of  swine flu..............

Ignore it.   

It's just spam

46
23 Jokes- He said to Me
Updated: 21 Mar 2014


> > He said to me...I don't know why you wear a
> > bra; you've got nothing to put in it.  I said to
> > him...You wear pants don't you?
> >  

> > He said to me...Shall we try swapping positions
> > tonight?
> > I said...That's a good idea - you stand by
> > the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and
> > fart.
> >
> >
> > He said to me...What have you been doing with all
> > the grocery money I gave you?  I said to him...Turn
> > sideways and look in the mirror!
> >
> >
> > He said to me...Why don't women blink during
> > foreplay?  I said to him...They don't have
> > time.
> >
> > He said to me...How many men does it take to
> > change a roll of toilet paper?  I said to him...I
> > don't know; it has never
> > happened.
> >
> > He said to me...Why is it difficult to find men
> > who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?  I said to
> > him...They already have
> > boyfriends.
> >
> > He said...What do you call a woman who knows
> > where her husband is every night?  I said...A
> > widow.
> >
> > He said to me...Why
> > are married women heavier
> > than single women?  I said to
> > him...Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
> > and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
> > bed and go to the fridge.

64
24 Jokes- No Four play
Updated: 13 Mar 2014

A man, getting along in
years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to
his doctor who tries a few things, but
nothing seems to work Finally,
as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man....
The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.'
With that said, he throws a
white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue
smoke. Then he says, 'This is powerful healing
But you can only use it
once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as
long as you wish!'

The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over,
and I don't want to continue?'

The medicine man replies, 'When your
partner can take no more sex all She has to say is '1234', and it will
then go down.

But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for
another year.'

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new
powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in
aftershave.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says '123'
and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the
medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say
'123 for?"

60
25 Jokes- Power Off
Updated: 10 Mar 2014

We had a power outage today and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & surround sound music system were all shut down.

 

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat; to top it off it was snowing outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

 

She seems like a nice person.

57
26 Jokes- Old Boys Network
Updated: 10 Mar 2014
 Business Transactions

Moishe (the father) says to his son: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
The son says: "I will choose my own bride."
Moishe says: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."
The son answers: "Well, in that case, yes, OK."

Moishe then approaches Bill Gates and says: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates answers: "But my daughter is too young to get married!"
Moishe says: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates answers: "Ah, in that case, yes, OK."

Finally, Moishe goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Moishe says: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
The president answers: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Moishe says: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."
The President answers: "Ah, in that case, yes, OK."

And that is how successful people do business!
59
27 Jokes-Word Games
Updated: 10 Mar 2014
 
 
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical aleutian . 

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still. 

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it. 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 

17. A backward poet writes inverse. 

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine . 

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!' 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own 

27. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

56
28 Jokes- A Rye ?
Updated: 07 Mar 2014

age gracefully

 
 
 
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina
and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It
keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed a help. He said, "Do you have any rye
bread?" "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff but me."
66
29 Jokes - Medical Alert
Updated: 05 Mar 2014


MEDICAL UPDATE
 

Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion! It is good to know.

MEDICAL ALERT

Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving

chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better..

Just thought you'd like to know.

Only EGGS ?

BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,

FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

Okay, I'll be going to my room now.

59
30 Jokes -Violence Solving !
Updated: 05 Mar 2014

"It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to

solve problems without using violence."

57
31 Jokes - Fat or Fit Women
Updated: 05 Mar 2014

A new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live
 

longer than do the men who mention it*

61
32 Jokes- 5 Riddles
Updated: 02 Mar 2014

The 5 Riddles

 
 
SHARPEN THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN
AND STALL ALZHEIMER'S FOR YEARS ….
 
 
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
 
 
- / -
 
 
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
 
 
- / -
 
 
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away ?
 
 
- / -
 
 
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
 
 
- / -
 
 
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
 
 
 
 
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Answers:
 
 
 
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?
 
 
 
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
 
 
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
 
 
 
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
 
 
 
5. The letter "e" which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
66
33 Jokes- Bumper Stickers ?
Updated: 02 Mar 2014

 

Bumper Stickers I'd Like to See

 

1. Jesus loves you. . . everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

2. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

3. The proctologist called, they found your head.

4. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

5. Save Your Breath. . . You'll need it to blow up your date!

6. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

7. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

8. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

9. Hang up and drive.

10. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

11. Heart Attacks. . . God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

13. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.

14. Some people just don't know how to drive.
I call these people "Everybody But Me. "

15. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

16. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

60
34 Jokes- Welfare or Wot
Updated: 02 Mar 2014

 


A WOMAN WALKS INTO THE DOWNTOWN WELFARE OFFICE, TRAILED BY 15 KIDS. 'WOW,' THE SOCIAL WORKER
EXCLAIMS, 'ARE THEY ALL YOURS?'

'YEP, THEY'RE ALL MINE,' THE FLUSTERED MOMMA SIGHS, HAVING HEARD THAT QUESTION A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE. SHE SAYS, 'SIT DOWN TERRY.' ALL THE CHILDREN RUSH TO
FIND SEATS.

'WELL,' SAYS THE SOCIAL WORKER, 'THEN YOU MUST BE HERE TO SIGN UP. I'LL NEED ALL YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES.'

''WELL, TO KEEP IT SIMPLE, THE BOYS ARE ALL NAMED TERRY AND THE GIRLS ARE ALL NAMED TERRI."

IN DISBELIEF, THE CASE WORKER SAYS, 'ARE YOU SERIOUS? THEY'RE ALL NAMED TERRY?'

THEIR MOMMA REPLIED, 'WELL, YES - IT MAKES IT EASIER. WHEN IT'S TIME TO GET THEM OUT OF BED AND READY FOR SCHOOL , I YELL, TERRY! AND WHEN IT'S TIME FOR DINNER, I JUST YELL TERRY! AND THEY ALL COME A RUNNING. AND IF I NEED TO STOP THE KID WHO'S RUNNING INTO THE STREET, I JUST YELL TERRY AND ALL OF THEM STOP. IT'S THE SMARTEST IDEA I EVER HAD, NAMING THEM ALL TERRY.'

THE SOCIAL WORKER THINKS THIS OVER FOR A BIT, THEN WRINKLES HER FOREHEAD AND SAYS TENTATIVELY, 'BUT WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT ONE KID TO COME, AND NOT THE WHOLE
BUNCH?'

'THEN I CALL THEM BY THEIR LAST NAMES.'
60
35 Jokes- Sheep Escaping ?
Updated: 27 Feb 2014
Driving Reaction Time for Older People ~~~~
 
I know all of you are very good drivers, so here is a fun test to see how good your speed is!
 
The automobile driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is .75 seconds or 1 car length for every 10 mph.
 
Test your average reaction time. Be careful, this can be addictive! You will be surprised at how slow you really are.
 
JUST CLICK ON THE DART WHEN THE SHEEP STARTS TO RUN ..... THERE ARE 5 SHEEP
 
 
Click here: Reaction Test
70
36 Jokes- Damned Spell Check
Updated: 23 Feb 2014

Damned spell-check

Todd sent a text message to his neighbor.

It read, "I am so sorry, Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to
confess. I have been tapping your wife, night and day when you're not
around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting it at home, but that's no
excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went to his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in from Todd:

"Damn autocorrect, Bob. I meant 'wifi', not 'wife'. LOL"

154
37 Jokes- The Randy Rancher
Updated: 21 Feb 2014

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.


Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys.

57
38 Jokes- Doctor Doctor
Updated: 21 Feb 2014

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.

~~~~~

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years ..

Before he realized she was Chinese.

~~~~~

Another time, he gave a patient six months to live.

At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,

So, the doctor gave him another six months.

~~~~~

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,

"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."

The doctor said,

"Tell him I can't see him."

~~~~~

Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,

"Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!"

The doctor calmly replied, "Well let's just wait and see what develops."

~~~~~

One patient came in and said,

"Doctor, I have a serious memory problem"

The doctor asked, "When did it start?"

The man replied,

"When did what start?"

~~~~~

I remember one time I told my doctor

I had a ringing in my ears.

His advice:

"Don't answer it."

~~~~~

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.

One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."

The doctor gave him some pills and said,

"Here, take these -

If they don't work, give me a ring."

~~~~~

Another guy told the doctor that he thought

he was a deck of cards

The doctor simply said,

" Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."

~~~~~

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,

He told me to stop going to those places.

~~~~~

You know, doctors can be so frustrating.

You wait a month and a half for an appointment,

Then he says,

"I wish you had come to me sooner."

53
39 Jokes- A Pair of Gloves
Updated: 19 Feb 2014

Daily Smile - Valentine's Friday


 
*** A Pair of Gloves
 
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.
 
The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.  The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:
 
"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
 
"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.  I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
 
“When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.  Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.
 
Love, Cuddle Bear
 
P.S.. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.
75
40 Jokes- A Shaggy Duck Story
Updated: 19 Feb 2014

  SHAGGY DUCK
 
A city slicker went duck hunting down south on a friend’s property, but the first duck he shot fell across the fence line onto the neighbor’s property. Looking around, he saw no one else near so he hopped the fence to retrieve the duck. As he headed back for the fence, the very old neighbor races up in an old pickup truck and asked him what he was doing with “his” duck. The city guy says, “I shot him but he fell over here on your property, so I was just retrieving it.” “Well that makes it my duck,” the old man says. “But since you insist on that being yours, we’ll just settle this the old country way – we’ll fight for it.” The younger, stronger, and bigger city fella figures he can easily take the frail older man, so he agrees. But we gotta fight by country rules,” the old man says.
“I get the first three hits,” he says, “and the first one to quit loses the duck. ok?” The younger man figures he can absorb three hits from the old guy first, so he agrees.Before he can even set the duck or his shotgun down, the old man runs up and kicks the younger man in the groin with his heavy work boots. As he doubles over in excruciating  pain, the old man kicks the guy in the side of the head, knocking out two teeth. Once the younger man falls to the ground, the old man kicks him in the ribs and the young man spits out blood and winces as he tried to breathe in. Staggering to his feet, bloodied, breathless, and missing two teeth, the younger man smiles slowly as he plans his first hit on the old guy. “You’re in for it now, old man,” he rasps over the gaps in his teeth. The old man slowly backs away and smiles as he says, “Nope, I quit – you can have the duck!!
81
41 Jokes- The Pulpit
Updated: 17 Feb 2014
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
 
 
 
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
 
 
 
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
 
 
 
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
 
 
 
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
 
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
 
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
 
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
 
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
 
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
 
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
 
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
 
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
 
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
 
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
 
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
 
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
 
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 
 
 
The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.
 
 
 
Do not keep this letter. Do not send money just forward it to twelve of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh. You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken
75
42 Jokes- Blind Mans Golf
Updated: 14 Feb 2014
Empathy of a Scotsman! 

                                                                           
 
A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Doctor shouted to them, "I've  never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen  minutes!"

The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."

The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the green-keeper  replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters.   They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."

The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.

Then the Priest said, 
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Doctor  said, 
"Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."

The Businessman replied, 
"I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave  souls."

And the Scotsman said,   
"Why kin they no play at night?

78
43 Joke - Nice Bag
Updated: 11 Feb 2014

                            click here Nice Purse 

     

No virus found in this message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 2014.0.4259 / Virus Database: 3658/6990 - Release Date: 01/09/14

122
44 Joke -Female Medical
Updated: 11 Feb 2014

-----

Subject: Fwd: Female medical

                                During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-

                                 "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

                                Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

                               The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

                               "No! No!  Leave your knickers on .... Just stick out your tongue!"

86
45 Jokes-Husbands and Wives in Store
Updated: 10 Feb 2014

Husband Store
 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love children.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

79
46 Jokes- Only Five ?
Updated: 10 Feb 2014
 
*** Faith in the Sandpit
 
David and Sean, both five years old, were neighbours and friends. David was Jewish and Sean, Catholic and they often spoke of the differences between their faiths.
 
One day, David and Sean were playing at the park in the sandpit. Sean turns to David and says, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!"
 
To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything.”
77
47 Jokes- Boots are made for Walking
Updated: 10 Feb 2014

Are the Legends True??
 
A Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'

'Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.'

79
48 Jokes- Snotty Receptionists
Updated: 10 Feb 2014

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

Description: graphic
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist
who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients. 
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that
the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman
who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE.
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR
ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE
ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR
THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause.
 
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS
89
49 Joke-In a Pickle ?
Updated: 08 Feb 2014

>Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory.  For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
>
> Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.  After six months, the therapist gave up.  He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
>
> The next day he came home from work very early.  His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.  Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.  He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
>
> Mary gasped and ran over to her husband.  She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.  She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?" Mickey replied, "I think she got fired, too."

86
50 Jokes - Mental Health Day - Or an Analogy of the Corridors of Power ?
Updated: 08 Feb 2014
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. 
 
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,   Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
 
 
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
 
 
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
 
 
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. 
The good news is you're being discharged,   since you were able to respond rationally  to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love....  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
 
 
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. 
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
 
 
Edna replied, 
'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry !  
How soon can I go home?'
 
 
 
 
 
Happy Mental Health Day!
 
 
…..
79
51 Jokes- An Aussie Lady
Updated: 08 Feb 2014

An Aussie lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged
me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
96
52 Jokes- Funnies ?
Updated: 03 Feb 2014

     I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. 
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two  days.” 
I  told him, “I wish, I had your will power!” 

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. 
She said, “Sorry  about the wait.” 
I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually.”
 



Snow in the forecast! 
The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
 
I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"


An  Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
 
A man asks him,“What's wrong?” 
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.  
“Oh bejaysus,"the man says. 
“Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?” 
The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

  1. hate all this terrorist business. 
    I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus,
     

    and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!" 

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. 
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, “Where am I ?” 
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."


A  woman has a medical at the doctors. 
“You are grossly overweight,” he says. 
”I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims.
 

” OK. You're bloody ugly as well.”

98
53 Jokes-A Golfing One that's Not Very Funny
Updated: 03 Feb 2014

LITTLE OLD LADY AND HER GARBAGE BAGS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to a golf course.

A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.

 

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it'?

So, now I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

 

Every time some guy sticks his thingy through my fence I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK, good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

LITTLE OLD LADY AND HER GARBAGE BAGS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to a golf course.

A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.

 

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it'?

So, now I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

 

Every time some guy sticks his thingy through my fence I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK, good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

96
54 Jokes - Father & Son
Updated: 03 Feb 2014

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back

of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters ...... he didn't like it - I had it.
 

Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
 

It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
 

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.

113
55 Jokes-Golden Oldies
Updated: 03 Feb 2014

TO SHARE WITH OLD FOLKS YOU MAY KNOW ........

 

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
And orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink
The woman to her right says
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says
'Thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink,
The man to her left says
'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says
'Thank you.
Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink,he says
'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies
'Sonny, when you're my age,
You've learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says
'Let's go upstairs and make love'
And you answer:
'Pick one, I can't do both!'
 

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot!
 

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ....
And your pacemaker opens the garage door!

Birthday                                                            cake

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes
.. Just as long as you don't have to go along.
 

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down
By the doctor instead of by the police
 

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
.. In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.
 
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You are not sure these are jokes! 
 
121
56 Jokes -Bar Talk
Updated: 03 Feb 2014

 

: OVERHEARD IN BAR   

  I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their

mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and

I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."


  A fellow about my age (70), sitting a couple of stools

down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked

over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that!"

120
57 Jokes- I-L-Y
Updated: 03 Feb 2014
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:

"I love you, sweetheart." 
Then, the women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:


I think some are hilarious...if you have been married for quite a while, a sign of true love...
Like who else would you reply to in such a succinct and honest way.

 
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f*ck did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she???
100
58 Jokes - Baby Talk
Updated: 03 Feb 2014

alt

90
59 Jokes- For Lateral Thinkers
Updated: 02 Feb 2014

For those lateral thinkers...

 


A Quiz….
 
 
 
It's a logic answer so try and figure it out.


Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.

 Try to come up with the answer on your own.

 However, the answer is at the bottom for those

 who are unable to think this one through.

 
 
 Here's the riddle:

 
 
 At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

 
 One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

 
 The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

 
 
 
 
 
 
They are both thinking the exact same thing.

 
 
 What are they both thinking?

 
 
 
 . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . .

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..

 . . . . . . . . . . . . ..

 .  . . . . . . . . . . .

 . . . . . . . . . .

 . . . . . . . . .

 . . . . . . . .

 . . . . . . .

 . . . . . .

 . . . . .

 . . . .

 . . .

 . .

 .

 
 
 
 
DON’T LOOK DOWN  !!!!!

90
60 Jokes- Blonde ?
Updated: 31 Jan 2014

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

 
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
 
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.  Shepushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
 
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
 
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
 
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
79
61 Jokes - Cross Words
Updated: 29 Jan 2014

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

 

"WOW, great!", he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a great place to be today."

 

Just before the aircraft doors are closed, the Pope enters the plane, and to the guy's delight, sits next to him.  “I am surely blessed”, the man thinks. 

  
Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight,
 with the Pope sitting next to me. The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.  The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. “Marvellous”, he thinks, “not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I”.
 

He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that His Holiness is tapping his pencil, thinking.  After a little while of pencil taping, the Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
 
"Anything Your Holiness.. What is it?"
 
"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"
 
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."
 
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

 
100
62 Jokes- Mick-No offence intended
Updated: 24 Jan 2014
 
Mick had applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. 
 
A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants hadsimilar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.
When the results were in,both men had scored 19 out of 20.
 
The manager went to Mick and said,"Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."
 
Mick, "And why wouldyou be doing that?" 
"We both got19 questions correct."
 
"This being Ireland and mebeing Irish surely Ishould get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, buton the question you got wrong."
 
Mick, "And just how would oneincorrect answer be better than another?"
 
Manager, "Simple. Onquestion number 7 the Polewrote down, 'I don’t know.'
 
You putdown,
 
‘Neither do I.’
81
63 Jokes - Women !
Updated: 24 Jan 2014

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together..

Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.?

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

Dumas

What does a man want, ask his wife

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

I know some verbose men, just saying

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.?? It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.?

The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming?

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,?

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash

You know what I did before I married??

Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.?

Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.?

They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'?

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous

Naturally – None of this applies to my wife!

(Just in case she gets this email by mistake)

130
64 Jokes- Poker Faced ?
Updated: 24 Jan 2014

PLAYING POKER

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $200.' After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200 - they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $200?' Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200. Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.' Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

 

84
65 Jokes - How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
Updated: 23 Jan 2014

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly 


This is the cleanest E-mail sex joke 
I've come across in a long while!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter 

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh!  Killing any?" 
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 


Intrigued, she asked.  
"How can you tell them apart?"  

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,  
2 were on the phone."

87
66 Jokes- Toilets of the World
Updated: 23 Jan 2014

How well do you know the toilets of the world? Try to guess from the 3 country choices.

91
67 Jokes- 4 Questions
Updated: 22 Jan 2014
There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.







 










The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.






2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?



















Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..













3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend ..... except one. Which animal does not attend?






















Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory ... Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.







4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, 
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?















Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.
92
68 Jokes- Why I am Divorced
Updated: 22 Jan 2014
Why I am Divorced.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. 

I went downstairs for breakfast 
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 
'Happy Birthday!', 
and possibly have a small present for me. 

As it turned out, 
he barely said good morning, 
let alone ' Happy Birthday.' 

I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, 
but the kids.... they will remember. 

My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.. 

So when I left for the office, 
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. 

As I walked into my office, 
my handsome Boss Rick, said, 
'Good Morning, lady, 
and by the way 
Happy Birthday! ' 

It felt a little better 
that at least someone had remembered. 

I worked until one o'clock , 
when Rick knocked on my door 
and said, 'You know, 
it's such a beautiful day outside, 
and it is your birthday, 
what do you say we go out to lunch, 
just you and me....' 

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, 
that's the greatest thing 
I've heard all day. Let's go!' 

We went to lunch. 
But we didn't go where we normally would go. 
He chose instead a quiet bistro 
with a private table. 
We had two martinis each 
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. 

On the way back to the office, 
Rick said, 'You know, 
it's such a beautiful day... 
we don't need to go straight back to the office, 
do we?' 

I responded, 'I guess not. 
What do you have in mind?' 
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, 
it's just around the corner.' 

After arriving at his house, 
Rick turned to me and said, 
If you don't mind, 
I'm going to step into the bedroom 
for just a moment. 
I'll be right back.' 
'Ok.' I nervously replied. 

He went into the bedroom and, 
after a couple of minutes, 
he came out 
carrying a huge birthday cake ... 
followed by my husband 
my kids, and dozens of my friends 
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....
 


On the couch......
 
 
 


Naked.
103
69 Jokes - Doctor Dementia Test
Updated: 21 Jan 2014

Here's another robo trick of Doctor Dementia to test your skills ...

Can you meet this challenge?

I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers.

Good example of a Brain Study:

If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind.

And better than that: Alzheimer's is a long long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.

7H15 M3554G3

53RV35 7O PR0V3

H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N

D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG

17 WA5 H4RD BU7

N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3

Y0UR M1ND 1S

R34D1NG 17

4U70M471C4LLY

W17H 0U7 3V3N

7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

B3 PROUD! 0NLY

C3R741N P30PL3 C4N

R3AD 7H15.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F

U C4N R34D 7H15.

To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the above paragraph, forward it on to your friends with

'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.

Can you raed this? Olny 55 people out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it.

FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT. Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line

100
70 Jokes -Three Virgins
Updated: 20 Jan 2014

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.  Mum was a  bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.
 
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but:  "Nescafe".  Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:  "Great from beginning to end". Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
 
 
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read:   "Rothmans"..  Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack:   "Super strong King Size".  She was again slightly
embarrassed but still happy for her daughter..
 

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand .. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing.. A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand "..
 

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.


'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'

MUM FAINTED!!!

 

108
71 Jokes- Under the Bed
Updated: 18 Jan 2014
 
 

FW: Psych vs B'tender

 







Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
 
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under
my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy.'
 
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get
rid of those fears'. Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said
the shrink.
 
'How much do you charge?'
 
Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
 
'I'll think about it,' I said.
 
Six months later, I met the doctor on the street.
 
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were
having?' he asked.
 
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.
 
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought me a
new pickup!'
 
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and
how,may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
 
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -
 
Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
 
STAY
 
AWAY FROM THE SHRINKS..
 
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A
 
BARTENDER!
102
72 Jokes- From Down Under
Updated: 17 Jan 2014

 JUST 
IMAGINE..

If you had
bought $1,000.00  of Qantas shares one year ago, you  would
have $49.00 today!

If  you bought $1,000.00 AIG shares one year ago,
you  would have $33.00 today!

If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Lehman Brothers shares one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today!

BUT....  if you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year  ago,
drank all the beer, then returned the  aluminum cans for recycling....
 
YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED  $214.00!!!

BASED ON THE ABOVE, THE BEST CURRENT INVESTMENT

PLAN IS TO DRINK HEAVILY AND RECYCLE!


AND,DID YOU KNOW...

A recent study found that the average Aussie walks

900 MILES A YEAR!!!

Another study found that Aussies  drink, on average,

22 GALLONS OF ALCOHOL A  YEAR!!!

THAT MEANS THAT, ON AVERAGE, AUSSIES  GET .....

41 MILES TO THE GALLON.

MAKES YOU 
PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE" DOESN'T  IT?

93
73 Jokes - Produce Clerk
Updated: 16 Jan 2014
Subject: Produce clerk
 
 
 A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce .
The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to & find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'
'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
94
74 Jokes- 50 Shades of Hay
Updated: 16 Jan 2014
There always is a 'sic' one in the crowd

alt
121
75 Jokes- Murder at Tesco
Updated: 14 Jan 2014

MURDER AT TESCO

Tired of constantly
Being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend'
Put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
 
A few Days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
 
However, Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave The premises.


Under intense Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
 
The next day in the Newspaper, the headline declared...




  

  

  

  

  

  

  

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco

 

120
76 Jokes- Notice Board
Updated: 13 Jan 2014

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
 

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop: 
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
 

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: 
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
 

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

177
77 Jokes- An English Cricket Crackit
Updated: 10 Jan 2014
  1. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
    A.  A laughing stock.
  2. What’s the height of optimism?
    A:   English batsman putting on sunscreen.
  3. What’s the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
    A.  Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.
  4. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
    A.  Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
  5. What does an English batsman playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
    A.  They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
  6. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
    A.  Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
  7. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
    A.  A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

Kevin Pietersens Mum rang to wish him luck.  The English Captain answered the phone and said,

'I'm sorry Mrs Pietersen but Kevin's just gone onto the field to bat.  Do you want to hold ?

111
78 Jokes- Smile and say Cheese
Updated: 08 Jan 2014
Crusty Old Golfer..... A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and Heads into the grill room.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over The bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old Golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive Female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun- wrinkled Golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young Lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Yes Sir, I Sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear says softly,"Well, wash your hands real f.....g good, cause I want a cheeseburger."
95
79 Jokes- What is Sex Four
Updated: 06 Jan 2014

SEX AND GOOD  GRAMMAR.....

 

 

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

 The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a

 nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!

 

The husband went to the reservation and saw 

the medicine man.

 

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say

  '1-2-3.'

  When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

 

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked,

 "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

 

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

 

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to  join him in the bedroom.

 

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

 Immediately, he was the manliest of men.  His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,

 "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 

 And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle

97
80 Jokes- He said -She Said
Updated: 06 Jan 2014

He Said To Me.... I Said To him

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ......Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
 

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

95
81 Jokes -Little Larry
Updated: 06 Jan 2014
Description: []A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

 
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

 
Description: []The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

 
Description: []Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

 
Description: []Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....
118
82 Jokes- Offended ?
Updated: 06 Jan 2014

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ......... And then I saw her face......


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Redhead matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk... unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ............ Some of us have got homes to go to!'


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ........ chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'


Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England... 

79
83 Jokes- For More Mature People
Updated: 03 Jan 2014

Another good one for "more mature' people! 

From the Australian Association of Retired People Questions and Answers


Q:    Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A:    In a bookstore under "Fiction'

Q:    What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A:    Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can build a shed. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q:    How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?

A:    Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:    How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A:    Take off your glasses.

Q:    Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A:    Valets don't forget where they park your car..

Q:    Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A:    Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q:    As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A:    Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:    Where should 60-plus year olds look for spectacles?

A:    On their foreheads.

Q:    What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A:    "Gosh, I remember these!"

95
84 Jokes- Friends
Updated: 03 Jan 2014

I think this proves that Men Make Better Friends ...

 


 
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
 
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
91
85 Jokes- A Quickie
Updated: 03 Jan 2014


 Bill Clinton and Al Gore recently went to a diner to get a bite
to eat.

A good looking waitress comes up and asks, "Can I take your
order?"

Clinton says, "Yes, I'd like a quickie!"

She turns a little red and says, "Sir, with your past state of
affairs I don't think you should even be suggesting something
like that. I will come back when you are ready to order from
the MENU!"

As she walks away Gore leans over and says, "Bill, its
pronounced quiche".

82
86 Jokes- Does everyone go to Heaven
Updated: 03 Jan 2014
 

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.  One
line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the
other line for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women
are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were
dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of
men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your
mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made
me proud.  Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage
to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand
here."

81
87 Jokes- A bag full
Updated: 03 Jan 2014

*** Cannibals

Two cannibals just finished a big meal.  One turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his hand and says, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"

*** Two Men

John: "I'm a man of few words."

Bill: "I'm married, too."

*** First Fight

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a dreadful fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the body?"

*** Improved

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

*** May - December Marriage

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,

"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

*** The Shoe Box

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."

*** When Love Fades

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's  voice from the kitchen

"What would you like for dinner my Love?... Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, a**hole. I was talking to the cat."

*** Snack Time

As Helen was nursing her baby, her cousin's six-year-old daughter, Emily, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, Emily was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what she was doing.

After mulling over the answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.”

92
88 Jokes- A Child's View of Politics
Updated: 03 Jan 2014

Whether
Conservative, Liberal
or
Labour , I think
you'll get
a kick out of
this!


A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister..

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.


 The nanny, we will
consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

 

Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep  SHIT.

98
89 Jokes- Yer Law Yer ?
Updated: 31 Dec 2013

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. 

The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes.

There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've 
finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face

up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered,

yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. 

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman.
It's been such a long, long time... So... Do you think we should... well... You know... screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer.

 

 

110
90 Jokes- The Last for 2013 ?
Updated: 30 Dec 2013
 
*** Drowning His Sorrows
 
The distressed-looking drunk man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the bartender asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?"
 
"You could say that," the guy replied.
 
"It usually doesn't work, you know."
 
"No kidding," the man moaned. "I can't even get my wife anywhere near the water!"
---------------------------------------------------
 
 
*** Female Patrons
 
I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.
 
"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
 
"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "But when I walked in, they were speaking German."
-----------------------------------------------------
 
 
*** So Dirty
 
Little Johnny walked into the house covered in filth.
 
His mom asked, "Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?"
 
Johnny replied, " I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are."
--------------------------------------------------
 
 
*** Selling The Car
 
Buffy made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a second girl that she worked with at a bar.
 
Sandy suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."
 
"That doesn't matter at all," replied Buffy. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
 
"Alright," replied the second girl. In a quiet voice, she told Buffy: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
 
The following weekend, Buffy took a trip to the mechanic on Sandy's advice.
 
About one month after that, Sandy saw Buffy and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
 
"No!" replied Buffy. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
-------------------------------------------------------
 
 
*** Martinis
 
McKenzie walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
 
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McKenzie had done. "What was that all about?"
 
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
*** The Secret to Giving
 
She was a wealthy widow and philanthropist who was a target of many people seeking charity. And she was indeed very generous, but interestingly, she never answered the door for solicitors herself. Instead she would have her housekeeper answer the door and give a donation.
 
Given the circumstances, the housekeeper was quite surprised to see, that after a man showed up at the door with the proclamation, “I haven’t eaten anything in two days”, that her employer insisted on seeing him.
 
“What did she ask you?” the housekeeper asked the man as he exited her office.
 
“I don’t know…I’m very confused.”, he replied, “She wanted to know what my secret was.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
 
*** At The Zoo
 
A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
 
First he has to clean out the tropical fish tank. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer will be cross with him, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, because lions eat anything.
 
On his second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything.
 
Finally he has to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by an angry swarm. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.
 
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to an old lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"
 
The old lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
112
91 Jokes- Making a Baby
Updated: 26 Dec 2013

Making a baby. This is hilarious! There is not one dirty word in it (Darn) , and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.

Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby

photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith

cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well

that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave

everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can

really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one

every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!',

gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with

that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on

the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider

their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done

right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the

photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when

darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned

forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to

work right away.' 'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
 

Mrs. Smith fainted

134
92 Jokes- Did I Read That Sign Right ?
Updated: 26 Dec 2013




Subject: Fwd: DID I READ THAT SIGN RIGHT ?

Did I Read That Sign Right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In A Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In A Memphis Department Store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In An Office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In An Office:

AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside A Second-Hand Shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice In Health Food Shop Window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted In a Safari Park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a Conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice In A Farmer's Field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message On A Leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On A Repair Shop Door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

132
93 Jokes - The Test
Updated: 24 Dec 2013

The Test

An Irishman walked into the local pharmacy, reached into his pocket, and took out his quarter size Irish whiskey

bottle and a teaspoon.He poured out a teaspoonful and offered it to the chemist."Please taste this for me."The

chemist took the teaspoon, put the liquid into his mouth, and swilled it around before swallowing."Did that taste

sweet to you?" said Paddy."No, not at all," replied the chemist."Oh that's a great relief" said Paddy. "The doctor

told me to come here and have my urine tested for sugar."

138
94 Jokes - The Seniors
Updated: 24 Dec 2013

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 
'Sure.' 
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 
'No, I can remember it.' 
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' 
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. 
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' 
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. 

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


 


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'



A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 

'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



One more. . .! 


A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 
 
 
Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!! 

 

135
95 Jokes- Getting Screwed
Updated: 20 Dec 2013

A traveller knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually

accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed,"

said the man. "OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee

through the mail slot," answered the voice. The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed

and nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again. "Hey,"

exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice, "Again?"

124
96 Joke- The Genie is out of his bottle
Updated: 20 Dec 2013

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. 


The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' 


So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. 


A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'


'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 


'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'


Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'


'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'


'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 


   
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.


'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'  


    'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'


The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'


She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'


You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.I'd do the same for you!'


So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
      


    The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'


'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

    
'No Kidding,' he said.   


  'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

125
97 Jokes- Things You Can Only Say At Christmas
Updated: 19 Dec 2013
THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS   
1: I prefer breasts to legs. 
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 
5: I've never seen a better spread! 
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 
7: Are you ready for seconds yet? 
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 
10: Don't play with your meat! 
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 
14: You still have a little bit on your chin. 
15: How long will it take after you put it in? 
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning. 
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more  
 

 

120
98 Jokes - Facts about Hockey
Updated: 18 Dec 2013

FACTS ABOUT HOCKEY


                           
                                

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874

and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is just as important as their nuts

129
99 Jokes - A Better Class of Pun
Updated: 18 Dec 2013

A Slightly Better Class of Pun

 
 
 
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
 
Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.
 
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
 
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
 
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
 
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell ?
 
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
 
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
 
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
 
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
 
What's the definition of a will? (it's a dead give away.)
 
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
 
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
 
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
 
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
 
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
 
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
 
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
 
Local area network in Australia - the lan down under.
 
Every calendar's days are numbered.
 
A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.
 
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
 
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
 
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
 
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
 
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
 
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
124
100 Jokes - A Beautiful Climbing Rose
Updated: 06 Dec 2013

Oh what a tangled language English is 
and how easy it is to misconstrue; 

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.

 

She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said…..

 

"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."

122
101 Jokes- The First for Christmas ?
Updated: 04 Dec 2013

First Christmas Joke
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to

get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman  started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy  replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
 

Begins......

168
102 Jokes - Our Father
Updated: 03 Dec 2013
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation,
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
 
No one moved.
 
The preacher continued,
"Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
130
103 Joke - Senior Drivers
Updated: 30 Nov 2013

Senior Drivers No Longer

Need Drivers License

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a 1980's white 4-door sedan that came crashing

through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to still be driving.""Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.

"I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?" "That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me

and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut it

into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'.  So I thanked him and

left!"

122
104 Jokes - Enjoy
Updated: 30 Nov 2013

SCOTTISH WEDDING 

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...  "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." 

The bartender was almost crushed to death. 

  

  1. SEX 

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..         A friend of mine was wearing one when

he was shot by the woman’s husband. 

  

New Book 

A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out

for men with short penises?" 

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." 

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…" 

  

Poor Lance Armstrong - 

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he

achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
 

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike. 

  

Drive By 

  

A guy broke into my apartment last week. 

He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. 

Now he drives by and changes the channels. 

Sick Bastard!! 

  

  

The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back". 

  

  1. SCAM 

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf. 
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.


Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen 

  

So True 

 Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. 

The Moral of the story: 

In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed!! 

  

Pregnant Prostitute 

               Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"   
"For god sakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"  

  

Sex Research (could be handy) 

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome,

now I understand why they call you handsome! 

  

  1. EASYJET 

Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "

125
105 Jokes- My Blackberry is not Working
Updated: 28 Nov 2013
132
106 Jokes- Ageing
Updated: 28 Nov 2013

Here's one for all you Golf Geezers...........................


Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway."Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel
like you have to pee.. And most of the time nothing happens.""Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't
have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit
on the toilet all day and nothing happens.""Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.""Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old."No, I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no
problem at all.""Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" asked the 70 year old."No, I have one every morning at 6:30 am."Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You
pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6:30 am. So
what's so tough about being 80?""I don't wake up until seven."

124
107 Jokes- Test Your Skills
Updated: 28 Nov 2013


    Here's another trick of Doctor Dementia to test your skills ... 
Can you meet this challenge? 
I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer's is a long long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.

 

 


7H15 M3554G3 
53RV35 7O PR0V3 
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N 
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 
17 WA5 H4RD BU7 
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 
Y0UR M1ND 1S 
R34D1NG 17 
4U70M471C4LLY 
W17H 0U7 3V3N 
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, 
B3 PROUD! 0NLY 
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N 
R3AD 7H15. 
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F 
U C4N R34D 7H15.


To my 'selected' strange-mindedfriends:

If you can read the above paragraph, forward it on to your friends with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting! 
If you can read this, you have a stragne mnid, too. 
Can you read this? Only 55 people out of 100 can. 


I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it. 


FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT. Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line.

120
108 Jokes - I Love You
Updated: 28 Nov 2013

      The Effect of Four Little Words....

The effect of those FOUR little words ... "I LOVE YOU, SWEETHEART"


A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.


The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"


All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"


Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.


The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."


The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.


Here are some of the replies: 1.   Who the hell is this? 2.   Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?3.   Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??4.   What now?  Did you crash the car again?5.   I don't understand what you mean?6.   What the f*ck did you do now?7.   ?!?8.   Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?9.   Am I dreaming? 10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

 

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??

131
109 Jokes - The Miracle
Updated: 28 Nov 2013

The Miracle

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won't say what it is but wants Father Flannigan to see it with his own eyes.

He brings the priest into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that."

"Well," Fr. Flannigan says, "it's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, measurements, etc."

An investigation of some rigor is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but also by scientists sent from the Archbishop in Dublin.

The final ruling is negative, however. It read:

"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."

137
110 Jokes - Complaints Made to Councils
Updated: 28 Nov 2013

Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils 


Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16.. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

134
111 Jokes - Stress Management
Updated: 26 Nov 2013

Stress Management!  

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an

audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or

half full?'... She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.  Answers called

out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.

She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I          hold it for a minute,

that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm."  "If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call

an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued,

"and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time,  sooner or later, as the burden becomes

increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're

refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in

the evening as you can, put all your  burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick

them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird

names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*

132
112 Jokes - More and More
Updated: 26 Nov 2013
  1. We miss Rodney Dangerfield .......... 
     
    Because he said .... My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  
    Last night she used me to time an egg. 
     
    It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, 
    yet she won't drink from my glass! 
     
    Last night my wife met me at the front door. 
    She was wearing a sexy negligee. 
    The only trouble was, she was coming home. 
     
    A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over there's nobody home.' 
    I went over. Nobody was home! 
     
    A hooker once told me she had a headache. 
     
    I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. 
     
    If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. 
     
    I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 
    'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' 
    She said, 'No, I hate myself now.' 
     
    I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. 
    That's when you put a bag over your head in case 
    the bag over her head comes off. 
     
    I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. 
     
    My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen 
    the roaches hang themselves. 
     
    I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. 
     
    The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. 
    I asked him, 'Why?' 
    He said, 'Because you came home early.' 
     
    My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. 
     
    I know I'm not sexy. 
    When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. 
     
    My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. 
     
    My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night. 
     
    MY FAVOURITE: 
     
    My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
115
113 Jokes - A Wee Bit
Updated: 26 Nov 2013

 A Weeeee Bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

100
114 Jokes- The Good Word ?
Updated: 26 Nov 2013

Subject: Fw: So it is written. so it shall be.

Two Laws in the Bible were fulfilled on the same day.

For those who haven't heard, Washington State passed two landmark laws:
 

"Gay marriage" and the "Legalization of marijuana".The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on

the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they

should be stoned."

89
115 Jokes - Peaches and Peas
Updated: 25 Nov 2013

A very cranky old  woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone  a hard time, from the

store manager to the security guard to the arresting  officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing

throughout the process.


When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied,

"Just a stupid can of peaches."


The judge then asked why she had done it.  She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?" The

judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach." 

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might

speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"


The husband said, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas." 

103
116 Jokes - A Senile Moment of Madness
Updated: 25 Nov 2013

A senile madness moment

  

I wonder if they deliver Emails on Sunday ? 

359
117 Joke- Or No Joke ?
Updated: 25 Nov 2013


A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his

chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and,

tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the

table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door." 

87
118 Jokes- The Benefits of Being George
Updated: 15 Nov 2013

The new royal baby, George, has already done three of the things on my bucket list.


1. Became a billionaire
2. Met the Queen
3. Sucked Kate Middleton's Boobs

153
119 Jokes- Adam and a Lemon ?
Updated: 15 Nov 2013
A woman went through a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
She replied, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn!
137
120 Jokes- The Perks of Getting Old
Updated: 15 Nov 2013

NOT TOO SURE ABOUT NO;9

Perks of reaching 50

or being over 60

and heading towards

70 or beyond! 1..

Kidnappers are not very

interested in you.2.

In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.
 3.

No one expects you to run  --

anywhere.4.

People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,

'Did I wake you?'5.

People no longer view you as a

hypochondriac.6.

There is nothing left

to learn the hard way.7.

Things you buy now

won't wear out.8.

You can eat

supper at 4 PM.

9.

You can live without sex

but not your glasses.10.

You get into heated arguments

about pension plans.11.

You no longer think of speed limits

as a challenge.12.

You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks

into the room. 13.

You sing along

with elevator music.14.

Your eyes won't get

much worse.15.

Your investment in health insurance

is finally beginning to pay off. 16.

Your joints are more accurate

meteorologists

than the national weather service.17.

Your secrets are safe with your friends

because they can't remember them either.18.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to

a manageable size. 19.

You can't remember

who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all

in big print

for your convenience. 
Forward this to everyone

you can remember

right now!

 


AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER
,

under any circumstances,

take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

 

135
121 Jokes - Talking Dog
Updated: 14 Nov 2013
*** Talking Dog
 
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.
  
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
 
"Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?"
 
"Roof!" the dog replies.
 
"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’."
 
"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?"
 
"Rough!" the dog answers.
 
The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.
 
"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you."
 
He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
 
"Ruth!" goes the dog.
 
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
 
And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
115
122 Jokes- Doggie Bag
Updated: 14 Nov 2013
*** Doggie Bag
 
Rhonda made a trip to the butcher shop every Friday in preparation for having the family to dinner Sunday.  One
Friday

 she saw something most peculiar – a dog walked right into the butcher shop.

 
"What’ll it be today?" the butcher asked the dog. "T-bone?"
 
The dog shook his head.
 
"Roast?" suggested the butcher.
 
The dog shook his head.
 
"Lamb?" tried the butcher.
 
The dog wagged his tail excitedly.
 
The butcher wrapped up two pieces of lamb, gave them to the dog and the dog trotted out. The same thing happened the following Friday and Rhonda was so intrigued that she decided to follow the dog out of the shop. She saw the dog walk up the steps to a house, stand on his hind legs and ring the doorbell with his nose. A man answered the door and immediately started shouting angrily at the dog.
 
Rhonda was incensed. "You should be ashamed of yourself," she told the man. "That is the cleverest dog I've ever seen. He goes to the butcher's, fetches your food, brings it home and rings the doorbell. And you treat him like that!"
 
"That may be," said the man, "but it's the fourth time this month that he's forgotten his key."
123
123 Jokes-Sod's Law
Updated: 13 Nov 2013
  
I DIDN'T BELIEVE THESE LAWS AT FIRST, BUT HAVE FOUND THEM TO BE TRUE FROM ACTUAL EXPERIENCE.
 
1.Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch, you'll have to pee and your cell phone will ring.
 
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
 
3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
 
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.
Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6.
Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
 
7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
 
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
 
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
 
10. Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
 
11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
 
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
 
13.Murphy's Law of Lockers- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
 
14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
 
15.Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
 
16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
 
17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
 
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
 
19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
119
124 Jokes- Divorce v Murder
Updated: 13 Nov 2013

DIVORCE vs. MURDER
 
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his

eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.
 

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?
 
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.
 
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband,

that's against the law.  I'll lose my license!  They'll throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen. 

Absolutely not!  You CANNOT have any cyanide.  Just get a divorce!"
 
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
 
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "Why didn't you didn't tell me you had a prescription?"

110
125 Jokes- Irish Humour
Updated: 11 Nov 2013
Subject: Irish Court
 
 

The judge says to a double murder defendant, "You're charged  with 
beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to 
death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom:  "Sir, 
I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no 
more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.  Is that 
understood?"

Paddy stands up and says:   "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen 
years I've lived next door to that asshole, and every time I asked to 
borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
99
126 Jokes - Home Sweet Home
Updated: 11 Nov 2013
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
 
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
 
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
 
4. My father taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."
 
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."
 
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
 
7. My father taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
 
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
 
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
 
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
 
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
 
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
 
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
 
14.. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
 
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful
parents like you do."
 
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
 
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
 
19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
 
20. My father taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
 
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
 
22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."
 
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
 
24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
 
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
98
127 Jokes - Whose Smarter ?
Updated: 08 Nov 2013
Who's Smarter?
 
 
 
A guy and his date are parked on a back road some distance from town. They are messing around when the girl stops the boy abruptly. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge twenty dollars for sex."
The boy reluctantly pays her, and they carry on. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sits in the driver's seat, staring out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asks the girl.
"Well, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is twenty-five dollars."
110
128 Jokes- The Laws of Golf
Updated: 08 Nov 2013
Subject: FW: The Laws of Golf
  
(I never make fun of my own haircut.............see Law 15)
 
 
LAW 1:
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2:
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3:
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic.  Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly
made with this most unusual natural alloy.

LAW 4:
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play.  If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5:
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 6:
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 7:
All 3-woods are demon-possessed.  Your Mother in Law does not come  close.

LAW 8:
Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water.  See LAW 3.

LAW 9:
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 10:
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 11:
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

LAW 12:
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.

LAW 13:
If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.
 
LAW 14:
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.

LAW 15:
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

LAW 16:
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

LAW 17:
It's not a gimme if you're still 4 feet away.
   
LAW 18:
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

LAW 19:
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

LAW 20:  
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

LAW  21:
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.

LAW 22:
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
   
LAW  23:
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

LAW  24:
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
122
129 Jokes- Your Wife ?
Updated: 08 Nov 2013
Subject: Fw: You're  not going to believe
 
 
 

 
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. 

So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party. 

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there. 

His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe who had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ... naturally, since he was her husband. 

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. 

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." 

- "Did you dance much?"
- "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. 
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."


117
130 Jokes- Best Golf One Ever ?
Updated: 02 Nov 2013

Subject: Best golf joke in a while!

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab

being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back

of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious. "You probably saved my life," says the grateful

Arab. "I am a member of the

Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you

desire as a reward."The golfer glances at his golf bag. "Some new golf clubs would be nice," he

says. Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up."We've got your golf clubs," she says,

"but the Sheikh would like to apologize

to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."     

109
131 Jokes- A Fairy Tale
Updated: 02 Nov 2013
Subject:  Who can resist a fairy tale. . .




                                                             
-   Little Afternoon History -
 
 
Once  upon a time there lived a  King.
The King had a   beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..  

But there was a  problem.  Everything the princess touched would   melt.
  

No matter what;  
Metal,  
Wood,  
Stone,   
Anything she touched  would  melt.   

Because  of this,  men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired.  What  could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his  wizards  and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter  touches one thing  that does not melt in her  hands,
she will be cured.'  

The King was overjoyed  and  came up with a plan.   

The  next day, he  held  a competition. Any man  that  could bring his  daughter an object  that would not melt  would marry her and  inherit the King's wealth...   

THREE  YOUNG   PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.  

The  first brought  a  sword of the finest steel.   

But  alas, when  the  Princess touched it, it melted.  
The prince went away sadly  .   

The second  prince  brought diamonds.
He   thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would  not  melt.  But alas, once the Princess touched them, they  melted.    

He too was sent  away  disappointed.   

The   third  prince approached. He told the Princess,  
'Put your hand in my pocket  and  feel what is in there.'

The Princess did as she  was  told, though she turned red .   

She felt something  hard.  She held it in her hand.  
And it did not    melt!!!
The    King was overjoyed.  Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third  Prince  married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.   

Question:   What  was in the Prince's pants?  




       

    M&M's  of  course.   

They melt in your mouth,  not  in your hand.
 

What were you   thinking??       

      
  I   WORRY ABOUT  YOU SOMETIMES.
127
132 Jokes- Halloween ?
Updated: 02 Nov 2013

Subject: Your first Halloween message


A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... 

when behind him he hears:

Bump...BUMP...BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket

banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP..BUMP...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...FASTER..

BUMP...BUMP... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door

behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clappingclappity-

BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on his heels, the terrified man runs

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and,(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

.

.

.

.

.The coffin stops!

 

115
133 Jokes- Rye Bread
Updated: 02 Nov 2013
Rye Bread

A man was walking around a new town, looking for a place to eat, when he spotted a restaurant called "Anything
  
You Want".

A notice on the window read "We can fix any dish you ask for - if we don't have it, you will be paid $200".

Thinking this was a pretty good deal, the man went in and sat down at a table.

The waitress came over to take his order.

He said "I'll have roast elephant on rye bread, hold the mayo."

She snapped her gum, stuck her pencil back in her hair and walked into the kitchen.

All of a sudden, the man heard screaming and yelling, pots and pans being thrown, and dishes breaking.

The kitchen door slammed open as the owner came charging out.

He put two one-hundred dollar bills on the table, and said  "I can't  believe it.

I've been in business here for ten years, and this is the first time I've run out of rye bread!"
126
134 Jokes- The Sheer Nightgown
Updated: 31 Oct 2013


The Sheer Nightgown....

 
A husband walks into David Jones to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500 they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon
186
135 Jokes - Is Less better ?
Updated: 31 Oct 2013
Pretty well sums it all up…
Ain’t it the truth!
WELCOME TO THE 21STCENTURY!

*Our Phones ~ Wireless
*Cooking ~ Fireless
*Cars ~ Keyless
*Food ~ Fatless
*Tires ~ Tubeless
*Dress ~ Sleeveless
*Youth ~ Jobless
*Leaders ~ Shameless
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
*Attitude ~ Careless
*Wives ~ Fearless
*Babies ~ Fatherless
*Feelings ~ Heartless
*Education ~ Valueless
*Children ~ Mannerless
Everything is becoming LESS but still
our hopes are ~ Endless.
In fact we are ~ Speechless
And Parliament is - CLUELESS!
And our Government is –WORTHLESS!
               SUMS IT UP - DOESN'T IT ? ? ?
116
136 Jokes - To Make you Smile
Updated: 31 Oct 2013
*** Fastest Dad
 
Three kids argue, whose father is the fastest.
 
One says, "My father is the fastest, he can overtake an arrow he shot with a bow."
 
The second one says, "My father is even faster - when he hunts, he can shoot a deer with a gun and run up to it before it falls down."
 
The third kid says, "You actually don't understand what speed is. My father works for the city. He finishes work at 4:30 pm, but he's back home by 3:45 pm almost every day."
 
 
*** Snail Party
 
Tom and Mary lived in a beachside condo in Atlantic City. Mary loved entertaining and, strangely, liked bringing unique creatures to her affairs. For this event, she had booked a variety of exotic snakes, but a few hours before the doors were to open the snake handler cancelled.
 
Scrambling she said, “Tom, why don’t you go down to the beach and collect some of those sea snails we saw this morning.”
 
Now there were few things in the world that Tom hated more than Mary’s strange parties. So as he left the condo, he wanted to stall. He went out for dinner to his favorite steak house. Then he went to his friend Al’s place to watch the basketball game, and then out for a movie. Before he knew it, it was 1:00 in the morning and he hadn’t gotten his wife those snails.
 
Quickly he hurried down to the beach, picked up a few snails, rushed home, stumbled out of the elevator, dropping the snails.
 
At that moment, Mary angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and accusing him of ruining her party.
 
Tom looked towards the snails and said “C’mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we’re there!”
 
 
 
*** A Real Card
 
The Sales Associate at Wal-Mart notices an older looking man in the card section. When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help.
 
“Hello sir, my name is Mary,” she said.
 
“Hello Mary, I’m Fred Jones,” replied the man.
 
“Is there anything I can help you with Mr. Jones?”
 
“Well I don’t know, I’m having a problem. I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”
 
 
*** The Immigrant
 
A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your business in Australia?"
 
"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.
 
The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction record?"
 
Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."
 
 
*** Two Fingers Up
 
It's the first day at school and as soon as the first class begins, the teacher tells everyone, "Listen children. If at any time during the lesson any one of you needs to go to the restroom, all you have to do is to hold up two fingers."
 
After a few moments of thinking about what he's just heard, little Johnny, "Miss, how will that help?"
144
137 Jokes- Child Abuse ?
Updated: 31 Oct 2013
Subject: Fwd: Politically correct thinking and the answer
 
 
 
My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.'

Mom's Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D ...
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C..S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best. '

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C .S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?'

Send to all people that have teenagers, have already raised teenagers, have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH.

MOM (Mean Old Mother)
139
138 Jokes- Auntie Acid
Updated: 31 Oct 2013
Subject: Auntie Acid
 
 Must be Maxine's sister!
 
 
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139
139 Jokes - Telephones
Updated: 30 Oct 2013

Subject: Fw: PHONE UPDATE . . . .

 
 
 


 
   
                                                    alt
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
126
140 Jokes -Ambiguity and Idiosyncrasies
Updated: 30 Oct 2013

Jokes 
 

 
 


Subject: Ambiguity and Idiosyncrasies
 
1. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
 
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
 
 
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
 
 
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
 
 
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
 
 
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
 
 
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
 
 
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
 
 
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
 
 
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
 
 
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?
 
 
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
 
 
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
 
 
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
 
 
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
 
 
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
 
 
17.  ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
 
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
 
 
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
 
 
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
 
 
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
 
 
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
                               (This one took me a minute)
 
 
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
 
 
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
 
 
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
 
 
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
 
 
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
 
 
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
 
 
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASTEROIDS"?
 
 
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
 
 
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
 
 
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME
DISORIENTED?
 
 
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
 
 
34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY,' THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
173
141 Jokes- The Seamstress and her Thimble
Updated: 25 Oct 2013

The Seamstress and Her Thimbles

 
 
 
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
 
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
 
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
 
The seamstress replied, "No."
 
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
 
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
 
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
 
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
 
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
 
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
 
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
 
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
 
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Tom Selleck.
 
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
 
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
 
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
 
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Tom Selleck, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Tom Selleck."
 
And so the Lord let her keep him.
 
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others
204
142 Jokes - Ladies Medical
Updated: 25 Oct 2013
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor. 

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
113
143 Jokes- Another Golfing One
Updated: 25 Oct 2013
Subject: Fwd: Women Play Hard Golf
 



One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when
suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says,
Well, he's certainly not my husband.

As he passes by the second woman, she also glances at his
genitalia and says, He's not my husband either.

He then passes by the third woman, who stares carefully as
he runs by her.

Wait a minute, she says. He's not even a club member!!!!
102
144 Jokes -Seven advantages of Mother's milk
Updated: 25 Oct 2013

Subject: Mid-term Exam

 
 
 
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was:
'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'
 
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.  However, he wrote:
 
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
 
He got an A*.
 
 
 
110
145 Jokes- Confucius Says :
Updated: 21 Oct 2013

Confucius Says: 

 

Man who drive like Hell, 
bound to get there.
 

  

Man who run behind 
car get exhausted.

  

Man who run in 
front of car get tired

 

Man with one 
chopstick go hungry

130
146 Jokes- That's what friends are for ?
Updated: 19 Oct 2013

Two very old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their  lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every  day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our

lives,  and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please  do me one favour, when you get to

Heaven, somehow you must let me know  if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death  bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all  possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe  passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is  awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a  voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? Asks Mike  sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me,  Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you,  it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are  you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news  and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first ," says  Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in  heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are  here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's  always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we  can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's  fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

Scroll down



"You're in the team for this Saturday."

125
147 Jokes - Suspicious Wifey
Updated: 14 Oct 2013

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his

friends for fishing.. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've

been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend....

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?

We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..

Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,

She does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him

home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.”

He said “but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".

141
148 Jokes- Six in the place for One
Updated: 14 Oct 2013

The 1st Affair 

A married man was having an affair 
with his secretary. 

One day they went to her place 
and made love all afternoon. 

Exhausted, they fell asleep 
and woke up at 8 PM. 

The man hurriedly dressed 
and told his lover to take his shoes 
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. 

He put on his shoes and drove home. 

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. 
We had sex all afternoon.' 

She looked down at his shoes and said: 

'You lying bastard! 
You've been playing golf!' 





The 2nd Affair 


A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters 
but always talked about having a son. 

They decided to try one last time 
for the son they always wanted. 

The wife got pregnant 
and delivered a healthy baby boy. 

The joyful father rushed to the nursery 
to see his new son. 

He was horrified at the ugliest child 
he had ever seen. 

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can 
be the father of this baby. 
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! 
Have you been fooling around behind my back?' 

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 
'No, not this time!' 




The 3rd Affair 


A mortician was working late one night. 

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, 
about to be cremated, 
and made a startling discovery. 
Schwartz had the largest private part 
he had ever seen! 

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician 
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated 
with such an impressive private part. 
It must be saved for posterity.' 

So, he removed it, 
stuffed it into his briefcase, 
and took it home. 

'I have something to show 
you won't believe,' he said to his wife, 
opening his briefcase. 

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 
'Schwartz is dead!' 




The 4th Affair 


A woman was in bed with her lover 
when she heard her husband 
opening the front door. 

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' 

She rubbed baby oil all over him, 
then dusted him with talcum powder. 

'Don't move until I tell you,' 
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 

'What's this?' the husband inquired 
as he entered the room. 

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it 
so I got one for us, too.' 

No more was said, 
not even when they went to bed. 

Around 2 AM the husband got up, 
went to the kitchen and returned 
with a sandwich and a beer. 

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. 
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths 
and nobody offered me a damned thing.' 




The 5th Affair 


A man walked into a cafe, 
went to the bar and ordered a beer. 

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. 

He glanced at the menu and asked: 
'How much for a nice juicy steak 
and a bottle of wine?' 

'A nickel,' the barman replied. 

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 
'Where's the guy who owns this place?' 

The bartender replied: 
'Upstairs, with my wife.' 

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs 
with your wife?' 

The bartender replied: 
'The same thing I'm doing 
to his business down here.' 




The 6th & Best Affair 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. 

He looked up and said weakly: 
'I have something I must confess.' 

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 

'No,' he insisted, 
'I want to die in peace. 
I slept with your sister, your best friend, 
her best friend, and your mother!' 

'I know,' she replied. 
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'  

115
149 Joke - Nymphomaniac Convention
Updated: 12 Oct 2013

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his

seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him."Hello", he

blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the

annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous

woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!Struggling to

maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?""Lecturer," she

responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality..""Really", he smiled,

"what myths are those?""Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well

endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."Suddenly the woman became

uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even

know your name!""Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

178
150 Jokes- Animal Girl
Updated: 11 Oct 2013
Animal Girl

A teacher asked her class "What do you want out of life"?

A little girl in the back raised her hand and said "All I want out of life is four animals".

The teacher asked "Really? And what four animals would that be"?

The little girl said  "A mink on my back, a jaguar in my garage, a tiger in my bed and a jackass to pay for all of it".
123
151 Jokes- Americans -How Moving
Updated: 11 Oct 2013

Subject: Washington DC Airport Ticket Agent:

CongressionalTravel Questions

 
 
 
Airport Ticket Agent: Congressional Travel Questions
 
TICKET AGENT
 
Hi – Here’s something that’s sure to make you laugh if it doesn't make you sick first.

These people run our country and advise our President who really needs help.


A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why the US Government is in so much trouble:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ...''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..''
His response -- click..

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama, who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

133
152 Jokes - Obama Care - Jest or What ? A Story of Washington Spoilt Brats ?
Updated: 11 Oct 2013
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.  
  
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a
  
lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists
  
considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh,
  
grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
  
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter
  
pill to swallow.  

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists
  
thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
 
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
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153 Jokes- Lunch and Crunch
Updated: 11 Oct 2013
*** Construction Lunch I
 
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 75th floor of a
  
new building. The lunch siren sounds.
 
The Irishman opens his lunch and said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more
  
time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
 
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to
  
jump off, too."
 
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again!  If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping
  
too."
 
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The
  
Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna
  
and jumped to his death as well.
 
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef
  
and cabbage, I  never would have given it to him again!"
 
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated
  
burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. 
 
And as the two wives stared at the blonde’s wife, they both asked why she wasn't sad about her husbands
  
death.  She replied "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
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154 Jokes- Irish V The French
Updated: 11 Oct 2013

Irish vs The French!

 The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.  'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in   County Clare  ,   Ireland  . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon  treaty!'


'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'
 

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.  

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'


'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'


Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'


'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'


'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'


'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

118
155 Jokes- This is No Joke
Updated: 10 Oct 2013

Anything managed through bureaucracies!!!..

You will like this! ... And it is a true story!
 


A man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia )
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by
return mail.

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and
they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the
account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was
yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as
good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he
Had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0..00
cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the
computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00
and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate
steps to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks
at the local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties
he had been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome
was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show cause,
within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court
for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.

Who employs these idiots? an honest answer would offend.                       
This story can also be viewed on the ABC website

108
156 Jokes - Fast Lady
Updated: 10 Oct 2013
 

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding..



Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? 
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving. 

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.


Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. 

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The traffic cop is quite stunned. 

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies


If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know

113
157 Jokes- Understanding Airline Pricing
Updated: 08 Oct 2013

Understanding  Airline pricing          

  

From an  airline Captain with more  than three decades in the airline industry.

He says "I never  really understood how airline ticket pricing worked until I read this  analogy.

Perhaps some of the airline pilots and passengers on your  mailing list might also appreciate this."

  

Customer  : Hi. How  much is your paint?

  

Clerk  : Well, sir,  that all depends on quite a lot of things.

  

Customer  : Can you  give me a guess? Is there an average price?

  

Clerk  : Our lowest  price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a  gallon.

  

Customer  : What's the  difference in the paint?

  

Clerk  : Oh, there  isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

  

Customer  : Well, then  I'd like some of that $12 paint.

  

Clerk  : When do  you intend to use the paint?

  

Customer  : I want to  paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

  

Clerk  : Sir, the  paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

  

Customer  : When would  I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

  

Clerk  : You would  have to start very late at night in 21 days, or about 3 weeks. But you  will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and  continue painting until at least Sunday.

  

Customer  : You've got  to be *&%^#@* kidding!

  

Clerk  : I'll check  and see if we have any paint available.

  

Customer  : You have  shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

  

Clerk  : But it  doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain  number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price  per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.  

  

Customer  : The price  went up as we were talking?

  

Clerk  : Yes, sir.  We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you  haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just  decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as  possible. How many gallons do you want?

  

Customer  : Well,  maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

  

Clerk  : Oh no,  sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are  penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. If  you change any colors there is a $50.00 change fee, even if it is the  same brand. Also, no refunds.

  

Customer  : WHAT?  

  

Clerk  : We can  sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north  bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will  lose your remaining gallons of paint.

  

Customer  : What does  it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!  

  

Clerk  : We make  plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If  you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

  

Customer  : This is  crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting  until after Saturday night!

  

Clerk  : Oh yes!  Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.  

  

Customer  : But what  are all these, "Paint on sale from $12 a gallon", signs?

  

Clerk  : Well  that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $6  half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete  the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,

some are  empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

  

Customer  : To hell  with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

  

Clerk  : I don't  think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and  bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you  won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone  but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one  direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

  

Customer  : I thought  your most expensive paint was $200!

  

Clerk  : That's if  you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway  is different.

  

Customer  : And if I  buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll  confiscate the remaining paint.

  

Clerk  : Yes, and  we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next  gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.  

  

Customer  : You're  insane!

  

Clerk  : Thanks for  painting with United!

  

~ Author  Unknown ~

144
158 Jokes- Jewish Sunbathing
Updated: 10 Oct 2013

JEWISH SUNBATHING


A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally
deserted beach at Ft. Myers.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had
walked up,  placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a
book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned
back to his book.


"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is
very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy
cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her
swimsuit and gave her the most passionate time of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,  "How
did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?

140
159 Jokes- Gynaecologist's Assistant Wanted
Updated: 07 Oct 2013


A man went to a doctor's surgery in Harley Street in London having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.  Naturally interested, he went in and asked for details.

The receptionist pulled up the file and read;

"The job entails preparing the ladies for the gynecologist."

"You must help the women remove their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Newcastle"

"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

 She answered:
"No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

102

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